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Toxic masculinity seems once again to be progressing its agenda to convince society that men are not allowed to have communities or networks of support, for fear of being unmanly. https://twitter.com/LilySimpson1312/status/1353674278722392066
All this "lone wolf" bullshit is just saying "If you have friends, you're unmanly. If you need support, you're unmanly. If you want to confide your feelings and fears to someone, you're unmanly. If you HAVE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONAL/SOCIAL NEEDS AT ALL, you're unmanly."
Bro. It doesn't make you weak to need a friend. It just makes you human. You cannot perfect your humanness by rejecting connection. You are part of a social species--we are MEANT to have community bonds.
We are SO MUCH a social species that affectionate physical touch is *genuinely necessary for infant development*. Babies get sick or die if they're not cuddled enough. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/born-love/201003/touching-empathy
And guess what? That's not something we ever really grow out of. https://www.healthline.com/health/touch-starved#research
"A tendency to avoid secure attachments" is a HUGE one. Once you're touch-starved, you might start trapping yourself into that state by avoiding attachments that could provide positive touch.
And then you get depressed because you're not feeding your body what it needs, and then you get even more attachment avoidant, and then you're more depressed...
And then you cope with it by justifying it as, "I'm just a 'lone wolf'! That's my identity! Once I decide to embrace this and stop needing people, the bad ugly hungry feelings will go away and I'll feel better."
It's a trap it's a trap it's a trap it's a trap it's a trap
It's a trap it's a trap it's a trap it's a trap it's a trap
When people do this about food, we call it an eating disorder, and we try to help them.
This is kind of similar: It is rejecting essential nourishment your body needs to survive and thrive, to the detriment of your health and well-being.
This is kind of similar: It is rejecting essential nourishment your body needs to survive and thrive, to the detriment of your health and well-being.
Being a "lone wolf" will not make you cool. It will only make you sick.
If you feel chronically lonely and cut off from healthy, positive networks of support, PLEASE reach out for help. Especially if you can't even picture what "healthy, positive support" would look like.
If you feel chronically lonely and cut off from healthy, positive networks of support, PLEASE reach out for help. Especially if you can't even picture what "healthy, positive support" would look like.
Maybe you're reading this right now and you're thinking, "This is bullshit, I can't make connections, everyone thinks I'm weird and awkward and uncomfortable to be around" and like... I FEEL that. I DO. I feel that DEEP.
Connections aren't instantaneous, they're built over time. If you've been connection-starved your whole life, you might have a habit of seizing onto the first flicker of connection you have with someone. You come on SUPER STRONG, bc you're STARVING and here's a chance to eat.
Sometimes this works out and it's fine. Sometimes the other person is uncomfortable because they're not hungry in the same way. Sometimes the spark of connection just isn't reciprocated--and when you're already starving, that hurts disproportionately.
Someone not reciprocating--not wanting to be your friend, not wanting to date you--isn't ever a reason to hurt them in return. It FEELS like they're hurting you, doesn't it? Like the hurt is coming *from* them and *because* of them.
But they aren't.
But they aren't.
The hurt coming from inside you. It's hunger pangs--it's your own body telling you it wants nourishment. If you've been in toxic masculinity for a long time, bro, I can pretty much guarantee you that your tank is running on fumes.
Here's the hard truth: Just like the hurt isn't an external thing that someone is doing to you, feeding the hunger isn't something that has an external source either. People aren't vending machines. Friends or romantic partners aren't *providing* nourishment. That's internal too.
You get nourished from *inside* when you make mutual connections with people. It's not someone else handing you a dose of oxytocin + cortisol to make the good feeling happen. Those come from *YOUR* brain.
(caveat: unless your body is incapable of producing those hormones, in which case talk to your doctor about possibly getting medication. As the adage goes, "If you can't make your own, store-bought is fine!")
The thing is, as nice as it is to have someone do something for you, it's often even more satisfying to do something nice for someone else--genuinely, altruistically nice, without making it a transaction.
Which means that there is hope!!! It means that there are things you can do to claw your way back into having a community!! You're not a lone wolf!
Doing that is going to suck at first--it is going to feel like it's even more of a drain on your already scanty resources. It's going to feel exhausting, but that's for the same reason that a light workout at the gym is exhausting if you've gotten out of shape. Keep going.
You build up strength and endurance over time, by going to the gym once a week and taking a walk every day, even though your body is REALLY SORE for the first couple weeks. You build up your ability to make connections in the same way--and it makes you sore too.
You gotta push through it. There's no way out but through. Practice on purpose, just like lifting weights.
Say hello to the grocery cashier, smile at them, ask how their shift is going, wish them a good day.
Ask people questions about themselves and their interests.
Say hello to the grocery cashier, smile at them, ask how their shift is going, wish them a good day.
Ask people questions about themselves and their interests.
Be kind. Go shovel snow off someone's driveway, or learn to bake cookies so you can share them with your coworkers.
Once you've saved those connection muscles from atrophy, try volunteering for a service organization, or ask to help shelve books at your local library.
Once you've saved those connection muscles from atrophy, try volunteering for a service organization, or ask to help shelve books at your local library.
We are a SOCIAL species -- we are evolutionarily designed to reward social-strengthening behaviors, aka "helping". People like helpers.
Maybe you already have a social group, but they kind of suck--they're mean and rude and negative, and hanging out with them doesn't nourish you.
You've heard "one bad apple spoils the bunch"? One good apple can save the bunch too.
You've heard "one bad apple spoils the bunch"? One good apple can save the bunch too.
You can be the person who takes the first step to be kind. You can change the culture of your group by pushing them towards more warmth and positivity and mutual support, just by saying things like, "Hey, you seem down, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"
The Lone Wolf doesn't get to ask anyone if they're okay and if they need to talk. The lone wolf is... well, alone. It sucks. It SUCKS. Don't do that to yourself. You're not meant to survive like that.
