Some thoughts on confidence and humility.

It seems as though there is one particular definition of a confident woman that is socially acknowledged and reified - one who is outspoken and fierce in her confidence, proud and loud lioness, happy to show her skin.

She shouts this confidence to the world. It has a very "American" ethos. She looks a certain way, dresses a certain way.

I wonder how many women genuinely feel that version of confidence, and how many relate to this as Confident Barbie because it is the socially acceptable...

version of confidence even though they may hold a different kind of confidence.

A quieter confidence. A confidence that relates to humility in a different way.

I have noticed that some people (male and female) have trouble navigating the fact that I am both confident and humble. It is as if they need to hold the reins of my confidence in order to feel comfortable with it.

If I shout my confidence, like Confident Barbie, I get a hearty "You go, girl!" (which is uttered ad nauseum and ad absurdism) or I am actually told that I am overcompensating for low self esteem.

If I am clear and confident in my humility - these are my strengths, these are my challenges - I am instructed out of my "low self esteem" ("Believe in yourself - I do!"), which I don't actually have. Either way, it seems that some people want to have the last word.

(This is obviously more of a reflection on those other people than on me. I was raised by brilliant, humble parents who didn't send me mixed messages about these things. I am clear on who I am.)

But it occurs to me that while there is talk about empowering girls and women, there appear to be so many mixed messages that make it difficult for a woman or girl to actually embrace her authentic confidence. Even this has become a performance expectation for some women.

And in doing so, we are conflating humility with low self esteem and actually reinforcing low self esteem. We expect that girls and women have low self esteem. And, yes, this is a gendered commentary.

Remember, it may be confidence that is saying "I don't know how to do this" or "I am struggling" or "I acted foolishly", not low self esteem. It is okay - intelligent, strong, confident - to acknowledge these moments.

Real humility (not self-deprecation) is a virtue and a partner of confidence, not a weakness. Let us be free to be both confident and humble.