at one point I was trying to go through all the godzilla (& gamera & mothra and assorted other kaiju) movies and making GIFs of them all but I completely forgot how far I went through them. I definitely didn't finish

I wrote a line of ugly python to randomize my kaiju movie folder

and it picked Rebirth of Mothra 2 - The Undersea Battle (1997)

apparently mothra is... jet powered? huh.

INCOMING JET POWERED MOTH

apparently mothra is going to primarily use his* powers to buzz dolphins

*Mothra is apparently a "he" in this movie. I'm sure there's a complicated reason for that involving one of the Mothra films I haven't seen, or this Mothra is just the son of the previous Mothra.

Or maybe the translators ran out of coffee

I think this might be a remake of Alien? I suspect there's a chestburster in this guy's future.

I like this special effect, because it's clear the guy just has the foam in his hand, not on his face

uh-oh. There's a girl who is actually studying, and a geeky boy who is instead playing with a bug.
I can imagine where this is going

what even are bugs for if not to torment other students?

HA! YOU CANNOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO BUG HER! SUCK IT

oh I didn't meant that literally, bully-nerd. best spit that out.

it sure is good that they can use CGI for these movies now

it was definitely needed, otherwise we'd miss out on scenes like this

I think this guy is getting attacked by a pokemon? or possibly some kind of final fantasy animal? maybe a baby chocobo?

and when defeated, it flings off a gold ring?

OH MY GOD, SONIC!

A.C.A.D.O.M.S.

All Cops Are Dismissive Of Monster Sightings

I'm pretty sure this is a mistranslation, and the second line was supposed to end with "so they're going to die trying to catch it, because this is a kaiju movie"

The next important use of CGI: adding "cat burnt by cigarette" slapstick

they have a practical model for Mothra and a CGI model, and the two teams don't agree on how much the wings should be flapping.

also, have the CGI modelers ever seen a moth? those are bird wings . Moths don't flap like that.

the bully kids are back and... I need an adult.

Anyone else hate when you're out picking flowers and this happens?

bug girl demonstrates the correct reaction when you accidentally pick a feral furry in the forest

wrong reaction, bug girl.
it's not cute, it's EVIL!

The bullies have cornered Bug Girl but they forgot that she's still not a wimp and can kick their asses

continuing their run of being terrible at being bullies, she's able to lose them by pulling some shit that wouldn't work in a cartoon

the bigger bully grabs her basket, and she almost gets away with it but the nerd t-poses to assert dominance and this overpowers her

they hear a voice from above, which turns out to be... A TINY DRAGON!?

oh, no, it's the tiny dragon rider.
My mistake.

these are some amazing special effects

oh shit, it's got terminator vision. You're dead, kids.
Wait, unless bug girl is Sarah Connor?

apparently she's after the furby

man, they were really proud of that combined CGI + practical effect of the big bully's neck-handkerchief being moved by the CGI effect. It's not exactly Who Framed Roger Rabbit...

gotta run through the woods with your furby to escape the dragon lady

like you do

we now cut to a Return of the Jedi speeder-bike segment already in progress

it's interesting how the dragon can fly this fast but still not catch up to the 12 year old girl running over uneven ground

JUST GIVE UP, SHE'S TOO FAST FOR YOU!

DRAMA! EXCITEMENT!

the bullies are now helping with the power of american football

do not run with your furby upside down

this is exactly what it was like trying to get a furby during that first year when they were the hottest toy

help! I'm jogging in place in front of a green screen! SAVE ME!

I think this is supposed to look like he trips and flings it, but the way it's cut together he clearly doesn't trip, and then just throws it for fun

fortunately the other bully grabs it in slowmo... into the sky?

or onto the beach.

slightly obsessed with the big bully's acting here.

it turns out the injury was important, not just for bad grammar reasons, because now the furby pisses on him.

I really wasn't expecting that plot twist

apparently it pees pure hydrogen peroxide? or maybe magic.

and I don't like how it has wrinkled eyes. it's like the hairy old man is like "yes... I peed on you, young boy"

the monster-hunting fishermen run into the dragon-lady, and try to catch her by offering her a yummy cockroach

it doesn't go well for them

the furby was born in Nilai-Kanai, which is obviously an imaginary place, says the bug girl who was just attacked by a dragon-rider and is currently talking to two tiny women riding a giant moth.

bug girl is shocked, SHOCKED to learn that the bullies don't know about the fantasy realm of Nilai-Kanai.
It's almost like they spend all their schooltime pranking girls with bugs and don't pay attention!

Thanks for showing that the furby's head-tentacle is prehensile, I really needed that in my nightmares.

It's time to learn more about the mystical land. How are they going to do that? Maybe an ancient tome in a forbidden temple? A wise old hermit, with magic powers? maybe some magic spell, letting them scry across time and space?

Nope! Apple Macintosh.

though maybe we can check some books while we wait for it to boot

fortunately it turns out Nilai-Kanai has a webpage. Thanks, Netscape Navigator!

this is an awfully graphic-heavy page. that's not very responsible, it's 1997, man! your ISP might not even support 56k modems yet, and this would be terrible on a 33.6.

ahh, it's Mu! It sank into the ocean 12,000 years ago, in the middle of a war with Lemuria, Atlantis, Cantre'r Gwaelod, and Thule, despite their support from Shangri-La, Ys, and El Dorado.

if you weren't there, this is exactly what it was like to use computers in the late 90s.

bug girl is like "I hope this photoshop filter doesn't break the computer. I'm in so much trouble if we can't use this for Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing during tomorrow's lessons"

apparently the evil monster eats pollution and turns it into barem.
or possibly beram. the subtitles can't decide.
what's barem/beram? I have no idea.

DOWNLOADING CLIP-ART....

SEARCHING FOR ISLAND... ISLAND DETECTED

we now take you to a submarine movie already in progress
OH SHIT GIANT MONSTER

the monster-hunting fisherman, now apparently working for DragonLady, sneak into bug-girl's house and spot a basket with a furry animal in it.
Unfortunately for them, it's not the furby.

the bulliest are excited that they'll be rich one they get the secret treasure. bug girl sets them straight.

they find some sunken ruins, and furby jumps overboard.

he finds a hole, and jumps in.

it starts glowing, which is never a good sign

kids, I've played enough Final Fantasy games to know this is never a good thing.

fortunately it just took them to a greenscreen waterpark

please keep all limbs within the vehicle until it has come to a full and complete stop

is it even a kaiju film if something doesn't majestically rise from the ocean?

oh hey, the starfish monsters have 4-way-mouths, just like the eggs in... Alien.

careful, kid. don't trip over the matte painting, this was expensive

this city has been raised from the ocean floor for less than 5 minutes and already a giant monster has shown up to destroy it. can't have shit in japan

fortunately the city designers planned for this. You don't build an ancient mystical underwater city without including some tower defense

with the monster scared off for now, the moth-rider women take to the skies to summon Mothra, using the power of song and dance.

off on Mothra Island, Mothra reincarnates by having a bunch of the smaller giant moths form into the shape of Mothra.

Does this mean Mothra is a fractal moth?

mothra sure looks fuzzy here.
are we sure this isn't someone's fursuit?

STAY ON TARGET
LUKE, LET GO
THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE...

the monster, angered that he can't destroy the sunken city, decides to take out his range on a nearby fishing village

she's so happy about her monster destroying mankind.

they're trying to make it look like the furby is leading them around the temple, but it has tiny legs so it can't really walk, especially not down stairs.
so... they try.

the bullies are chasing after the bug girl (who has been kidnapped by the monster-hunting fishermen) and discover that the ancient city-builders had:
1. elevators
and did not have:
2. OSHA

the monster playfully romps across the city, bothering
a goat
goose
rabbit
and a turtle

QUICK! SAVE THE GOAT!

I HATE APARTMENT BUILDINGS!

it's not often you have to yell "look out behind you" to a kaiju

I wasn't expecting them to kill off both kaiju 45 minutes into a 100 minute movie, but here we are.

oh... I'm sure it's dead

mothra's not sure and comes in low to check
SURPRISE BULLET STORM ATTACK!

somebody forgot mothra has LIGHTNING WINGS

I'm sure it's dead now.

ouch! I hear this move is banned in professional wrestling

the monster has mothra on her (his?) back but they pull out the care bear stare

at least now we know why the sunken city was abandoned.
they delved too greedily, and too deep. and in the darkness of mu, they awoke a Balrog.

bully-nerd accidentally discovers The Path Of God when he makes a Leap of Faith. I'm sure they're about to meet an old knight next

big bully is scared to cross, though, but it all works out in the end. sorta.

Mothra can't go underwater to get the monster, so they charge up a couple megatons of Whalesong and fire it directly at the ocean. SUCK IT, HUMPBACK WHALES!

WHERE ARE THOSE FUCKING WHALES
THEY'LL BE EXTINCT SOON IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT

if you look closely, Mothra has a bumper sticker that says "save the space probes: nuke the whales"

meanwhile the monster is spinning around underwater, in order to create an anti-mothra tornado

Mothra escapes the tornado, but now looks like shit

fortunately the fairies know what they need to do.

SHOOT MOTHRA

this doesn't work, so they change tactics, and SHOOT MOTHRA HARDER!

MOTHRA DOWN! MOTHRA DOWN!

I always cry at this part

naturally, in reaction to Mothra's apparent death, the sunken city locks the children in

Mothra escapes the water... and it's gonna be a long time before this puppet is dry

hey, any landing you can walk away from, I guess?

man gets angry at Toys-r-Us employee when the last Furby has already been sold (colorized, 1998)

wasn't this a segacd game

unexpectedly the dragon lady shows up again, and blasts the fairies. they go into a tail spin

unexpectedly this is apparently the way you open the door at the core of the pyramid

I'm pretty sure they're about to find a stargate

the treasure is apparently this glowing egg in the forehead of the statue

oh sure sure grab the glowing gem out of the forehead of the statue in the middle of an ancient sunken temple, with your bare hands.

that's never ended badly for anyone.

and now the other monsterhunter fisherman said they have a bad feeling about this.
on a scale of 1 to dead, you're in trouble, mister.

while he runs around shouting "YES", the doors started closing on their own

yes, technically we may be trapped in here, but I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
on an unrelated note, why is the ceiling glowing?

I'm sure that's fine too. it's just beaming something down. something giant and glowing and... phallic?

oh thank god, it's just a giant glowing woman.

and she's reaching out her hand to you! that's definitely a good sign. she's chosen you! for something good, I'm sure.

SO BE IT... JEDI!

thanks for the explanation, nerdy-bully. I WAS wondering why the giant glowing woman showed up and used force-lightning on my friend

should have kept your mouth shut, kid, you gave him an idea.

his life is flashing before his eyes

it didn't take long

the fairies fly in yelling STOP!
and I'm slightly impressed at the correct use of "Wherefore" here.

the fairies need the power to stop the monster, meanwhile dragon-lady goes for the hard sell here and is like "maybe the destruction of the human race... is a good thing?"

dragonlady: humans will destroy the earth! they will never learn from their mistakes!

fairies: but what if... this one little girl fixes that?

Dragon lady says this is just because they're children, and they'll grow up to be like this guy.

which is a very compelling argument. I mean, would you want to grow up to be him?

so in response, the furby glows and the giant woman reveals her crown

then it cuts away to the monster blasting the city with his laser-breath.
Which you'd think would factor into her thinking. even if she decides all humans are bad, the monster is pretty clearly intent on destroying her city

beam me up scotty!

or maybe shrink me down, scotty. that's a different button, I think

so now she's boring human sized.
No word on if she can still shoot lightning or not

It turns out the ancient civilization created the monster, and then it destroyed them. They created a treasure which could fight it off, but an earthquake sunk the city before they could use it. And the gems aren't the treasure. What is?
THE FURBY!

and like all great stories of a hero bringing the ultimate weapon to destroy the civilization-killing monster, the young girl is instructed to take the furby to mothra.

the bullies climb up the statue and put the fake-treasures back in place, causing the doors to reopen

so apparently what the monsterhunter fishermen actually stole was the door switch

admit it: who hasn't wanted to shout "FOOLS!" and then fly off on your personal dragon?

the kids are nearly crushed by the falling statue but the princess uses her pink floyd laser powers to stop it

JUMP!

wait, where's the big bully?
ok, who had marked down "the big bully's fear of heights" as something that was going to come up again later?

ok that was slightly creepy

KOTANI! YOU FOOL!

oh, I see.
interesting physics, but good on Kotani

and now... kotani must die. he can't make it across, not with his injuries. it's that old redemption=death trope, and the ceiling is caving in on him...

fortunately, by the pit of silly physics, all things are possible!

or not. he's still horribly injured, and may not survive

but speaking of chekhov's guns... it's time for a POV getting-pissed-on shot.

they cross the CGI bridge as it breaks apart, and slowly falls into the distance... and explodes.
because it was apparently made of explosives. I'm surprised this didn't kill the ancient Mu people long before their anti-pollution death monster did.

ok what the fuck was that bridge made of?

fortunately they have good firewalls for when one of their TNT bridges explodes

they're climbing and climbing and the doors are closing and they make it out, just as it fades to white?
my god... that was the stairway to heaven.

in the basement, giant woman is apparently activating her YOU SHALL NOT PASS powers

this gives Mothra their limit break, allowing them to unleash some serious 3rd-eye lazer beams

dang, that mothra is SICK, bro!

They're standing on a structure getting attacked by a kaiju, so they gotta get out of there. But Bug Girl has other ideas

why run for your life when you can stare at a glowing furby?

She picks up the furby, and gives it a hug!

this engages RAINBOW MODE

I must go
my people need me

up in the sky, it shines down magic furby light...

Bug girl shouts out its name, we get an overly intense close-up on its eyes, and then... it explodes. Huh.

and the burning ashes of the furby fall down on Mothra and the sunken city

fortunately, the fairies explain that it's not burning ashes.
unfortunately, they explain that it's "miracle water".

So yes, the furby exploded into a giant pee-shower

Mothra's Alien parasites are Thanos-snapped away by the furby piss

the fairies explain that the furby is made of the water of the ocean that brought life to earth

so it's made of primordial-soup piss!

Mothra gets a cool new color scheme with more vibrant colors, thanks to the color-safe detergents of Tide Furby Piss!

SHINY NEW WINGS ARE GO

suck it, giant monster!
the new mothra has a deflector shield!

and even better, mothra has MOSES POWERS!
He's parting the red sea!

run, kids! Pharaoh is right on your tail!

Star Trek IV Part 2: The Whales Strike Back!

Mothra is also apparently now a transformer. huh.

SHUT UP KID, don't call it that! Hasbro has ears everywhere, you want us to get sued?

it turns out mothra is now... partially a flying fish.

huh.

Cyclops voice: CAVITATING!

SONIC BOOM! SONIC BOOM! SONIC BOOM!

X-BEAMS!

Mothra begins charging up for a final attack, aimed right at the monster's mouth...

and flies inside?
many mothras? did mothra undo the fractal-mothra assemblage they did earlier?
also, are the monster's internals just one long corrugated pipe?

and now we've reached the 2001 star gate sequence.

my god. it's full of stars

and now, somewhere, there's... starfish aliens again?
where is this

oh, it's inside the monster.
the tiny x-wing-shaped mothras are fighting the starfishes inside the monster.
like you do

we still got money in the CGI budget, better spend it here.

I already made the joke about the trench run, but yeah.

look, over there! practical effects! BLOW THEM UP, BOYS!

outside, the monster shows the dangers of vaping

the monster is glowing from the inside.
if that ever happens to you, you're either about to turn back into a human, or you're about to die.
sometimes, both.

Mothra tows the monster back to the impound yard

giant lady asks the monster to come back with her to fantasy land

and mothra decides to help lower the monster down to the sunken city

gently... gently... hang on that's a bit too far

ok, this looks bad, yes, but it's mainly superficial damage. I'm sure you can rebuild the surface, the foundations are still good

ok, no, yeah it's fucked now. Sorry.

wait, is it being warped into the sky?

oh, it's turning to... ice? huh.

oh god, it's not ice. it's liquid.

IT'S MORE FURBY PEE! AHHHHHHH

run faster, kids, the Moses Powers are running out

fortunately we don't need to be sad that the Furby is dead, he lives on in the rainbows of Mothra!

This is because of the covenant of Noah, which... wait that's a different bible story. Nevermind.