THE SNP'S 12-POINT PLAN FOR AN ILLEGAL REFERENDUM

1. We intend to fool our followers by proposing that we can hold a referendum on Scottish Separation.

2. A bonus is that we can distract them from Sturgeon’s problems in the Salmond inquiry.

3. We'll not tell our followers that we have no legal right to hold a referendum and never mention that it’s a matter reserved to the UK government.

4. We’ll tell them that it’s up to the UK Government to challenge the legality of our actions. Just like someone saying that burglary is not a crime, breaking into your house and then telling the judge it's legal because they said so.

5. We'll not mention that, because it’s illegal from the outset, local authorities, who control polling places, will reject holding it. And The Electoral Commission? Better not say anything about them either.

6. We'll talk about taking action when we have a majority of seats in the Scottish Parliament, despite currently having one with the Geeens. That majority has asked for a referendum twice and been rejected. But we think, somehow, it'll be different this time.

7. We have no way to force the UK Government to give us a referendum. The Conservatives 80-seat majority and a manifesto pledge to maintain the UK is unimportant, as is that whole 'once-in-a-generation' thing.

8. If we had a majority of the 650 seats in the UK parliament, we could do what we like. But we only run candidates in Scotland, giving us a maximum of 59 seats, so we can’t do anything. We are stupid.

9. It’s only logical that Boris Johnson will give us a referendum that, according to our polls, he will lose.

10. Even if we won a court case saying it was legal to run a referendum, it would have to pass The Supreme Court, action by the UK Parliament, and an anti-Nationalist boycott. Easy, peasy!

11. We will continue to fool our supporters that ‘democracy’ is what we believe it to be, rather than the actual laws of Scotland and the UK. This will cause more division, but it’s a useful distraction from our 13 YEARS of failure in health education, jobs and the economy.

12. Please, please, please try to not notice that there is no path to a second referendum.