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I’m reading the worst thing ever written. First of all. WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT. WHO. I WANT NAMES. (Also if you find yourself typing the words “including myself,” please stop writing. Maybe try photography.)
Every graf is worse than the last. Motherfucker it used to be affordable until you fucks told each other it was exactly like California so you moved in and tried to make it California. It’s Texas. It says so right on the fucking box.
Every. Fucking. Graf. Bitch you moved to Bee Caves then wrote an entire shitty essay on why Austin sucks. I’m gonna move to Santa Clarita and write about why moving to LA was a huge mistake.
Which is it, you piece of shit, is it cheap or expensive because you could apparently fucking afford a 4000 square foot house and why in the name of Willie, would you think the AC would be cheap on a FOUR THOUSAND SQUARE FOOT HOUSE in central fucking Texas.
New sod. Yeah. I see you motherfucker.
See if you can guess where my soul left my body.
Is it? That’s weird. I’ve always heard Texas described as an idyllic land with a perfect climate. Huh. So, you’re saying those 4000 square foot plywood on stick McMansions y’all shat out all over the hill country ruining the landscape and jacking up prices were maybe a bad idea?
Not even with all that new sod? It’s almost like there’s a problem with sprawling suburbs. Can’t put my finger on it though.
I wonder if there’s a commonly used phrase for this, something about a dry heat. I don’t remember. I had a stroke in that side of my brain
omg dude we get it. You’re rich. Fuck.
Motherfucker I know a place you can go.
You know what, fuck you.
Not the point. But they’re crawfish motherfucker.
Aside from the fact that this motherfucker got this shit published starting sentences with “aside from the fact,” maybe he made enough off it to buy a fucking map.
WE RIDE AT DAWN
Bro it’s so much easier to just say what you mean. We know what you mean. You’re not hiding.
Okay this is just funny. I wonder why everyone’s so mean to him. He seems delightful.
Oh honey. See the thing about Texans is they’re not all that nice. They’re kind. You’re probably real nice, but you’re a fucking asshole. See the difference?
My brain made a weird sound and I’m kind of worried about it but we’ll continue. I’m just going to leave this here and move on.
That annoyed you, huh? Fascinating.
Guy who waters lawn during drought is surprisingly huge fan of plastic bags.
This guy’s complete lack of self awareness needs to be studied so we can figure out how to isolate them from the rest of us, preferably in San Jose.
Everyone knows homeschooling is a felony in Texas.
Again with the fucking lawn. Yes motherfucker, Texans have heard of wells. And somehow, despite the lack of homeschooling (?) know that water, no matter the source is a finite resource. Thank fuck California’s good on water.
Yep. It’s a damn shame Texas is just one culture with no immigrants whatsoever, especially not Texans who arrived with the dawn of time. I don’t remember who was there first. Or who might still be there. Or who came next. Couldn’t be a suburban thing, nosirree bob.
What ideas did they reject, Chad? Lay it on me. No wait. Lemme guess. It’s about your lawn isn’t it? You wanted the fire department to loan out their trucks to Uber so Uber drivers driving fire engines would come water your lawn. Am I close?
Lol no one wanted to water your stupid lawn.
He’s calling this graf the moral of the story but I’m calling it a list of bad reasons to move to Austin. Don’t move to Austin.
Yeah that tracks.
