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“I’m not going to make it, am I?” I sit there in silence not knowing what to say to my Covid patient. My patient starts to cry. I’m fighting back tears. I hold their hand & just sit in silence with them. I call family & put them on speaker to say goodbye. 1/?
There are tears on the other end of the phone. I pull out my phone to play my pt’s favorite music. We listen together. I smooth out their hair & sit close. “Close your eyes & rest. I am here with you. You are safe, I promise.” 2/?
Soon, my pt’s eyes close & never open again. I watch asystole appear on the monitor. I rest my head on their arm & cry. I apologize for not being able to save them. I clean them up while music plays in the background. I wrap them in a blanket so they don’t get cold. 3/?
Yes, I know they’ve passed away but I don’t want them to be cold. I tuck them in & call the family. I cry on the phone with them. I hang up & close the door to the room. I take my pt to the morgue & say a final goodbye. I thank them for letting me care for them. 4/?
I walk back to my ICU & sit at the nurse’s station, still in a daze. I won’t forget you. It was a privilege to care for you in your most vulnerable time. I won’t ever forget you, I promise. I’ll carry you with me, always. Just another day in the Covid ICU. 5/5
