I miss having a sense of control over my life. I am now faced with the fact that I don’t have any control, I never have, and maybe never will. The concept of free will is an illusion shattered by Saturn.

Saturn conj my Venus taught me that unhealthy relationships will literally kill you. They will drag you down mentally, physically, financially, spiritually... and if you refuse to let them go you will die eventually. You either choose to survive or you don’t.

Saturn conj my Sun taught me that if I continue to let my father have control over me, through his perceptions, beliefs, and the trauma that he passed down and inflicted upon me, that I would die. I would burn out like a used cigarette. I HAD to let it go. There was not a choice.

Saturn conj my Mercury taught me communication is scared. Just because I CAN say something, doesn’t mean that I SHOULD. There are (sometimes deadly) consequences to speech, how it’s used, & why it’s used. If I want to have a voice then I need to use mine with specific intention.

Saturn conj my Jupiter taught me that I have to make my life a living testimony of my beliefs. I cannot let others co-opt my perception of reality, infect me with dogma, & turn me into a sheep or I will be lead to slaughter. I have to stand firm in what I am, or I WILL fall.

Saturn is now in my 5th house. I don’t have any planets here, but it’s also controlling the 6th & 7th. I’m realizing now that I have to do astrology. I have to or I will be depressed, unfulfilled, & lost. I will not make it. I will not grow. I will not be successful. This is it.