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Been reading up on the Matt Haig stuff, and finding it all rather upsetting. My experience is not the same as people with schizophrenia or ongoing psychotic experiences, but I feel the need to write something anyway. 1/9
I've had depressive episodes every few years since I was 13. When it happened appr. 4-5 years ago, it turned into a psychotic depression (probably because my usual depression was combined with immense grief over my mum's death). 2/9
Short version: I genuinely believed I was evil, and had something dark growing inside me. It sounds metaphorical, but it's not. I also genuinely thought that my badness was contagious. At the same time I was very aware of the fact I shouldn't speak to people about this. 3/9
Whenever I let lil glimpses slip to E. she'd be so worried. I would ask her regularly if I was a bad person. I didn't want to use the word "evil" out loud. She would try to reassure me that I wasn't, and for a minute it would help. 4/9
I never told any of my other friends or family about what was going with me then, even though I'm usually very open about my mental health issues. Sometimes I will joke about it now, just for my own comfort. 5/9
I'd been afraid of becoming psychotic, because mental illness is such a big part of my life and psychosis was somehow the worst thing I could think of that might happen to me. When it became a reality, I assumed other people would be afraid of me, as I had been. 6/9
Having a mental health campaigner confirm these fears is harrowing. 7/9
I understand that he received some really violent and threatening comments that he definitely should not have done, and that's really awful. But his apology centered himself instead of those he offended. This is not okay. 8/9
If you have never experienced psychosis or psychotic symptoms, then it is not on you to accept his apology or to move on his comments. Listen to the community and people he offended. 9/9
