CONFESSION:
I have never been in a relationship or pursued a relationship with someone that didn't start via trauma bond.

The abandonment I've experienced at the hands of caregivers did a number on me. And at 36, almost 37, I really feel like I'm learning how to relate to other people all over again. In all relational contexts at that.

That abandonment trauma has been so regularly triggered that I thought it was normal. I lamented the fact that relating to other people felt so difficult and emotionally exhausting. I didn't see how I would be able to build meaningful connections if it were to always be that way.

But shouts out to God, my ancestors, and the people who have loved me so patiently. Those who have matched my efforts to heal myself by being equally committed to their own healing. I'm not gonna tag anyone but I think those people (on here) know who they are.

This is my testimony:
You can be triggered into healing. Or, you can be triggered into further harm, deepening existing wounds. But you've got the keys to the kingdom once you because aware of the wound and the dynamics that trigger it.

We all carry brokenness. It's the fruit of systems of oppression that are borne in our personal lives and relationships. But... let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

I be wanting to faint. Frequently. Just go back to occupying the toxic to me ways of relating and connecting. I get tired of healing. But I promise you, in due season. If you can stay at the soil, keep pulling up those weeds. Keep watering the seeds of wholeness.

The LOVERS card in the tarot articulates this truth well. Knowing the truth of yourself, yet still standing in the gap between woundedness and healing. There are daily choices to be made about which path to take. It gets easier.

Tenderness is underrated. Yet we must be tender towards our wounds and brokenness. Speak in a soft voice. Extend grace and understanding. Be merciful to yourself. Expect missteps and repetition of the old way because you are a student learning a new way. Gentle correction.

Brokenness + woundedness is why we need love. Love is not a privilege afforded only to the whole. Not one person would be deserving if that were the case. Love is the bandage and the balm, the stitches and the cast that holds the wounds while they heal.

Love should feel safe. And guess what! There is nothing wrong if it doesn't. Love wasn't always safe for many of us. It came with conditions. Conditions of erasure, self-abandonment, capitulation to someone else's power, disembodiment...

But the catch is that as an adult engaging in romantic connections and friendships to build community, you actually have a choice. You can choose to not do those things because your survival isn't at stake in the same way it was when you were a child.

Alright, that's enough for today. This was all to say that you are not alone. I see you. I'm in the trenches, too. Wholeness requires a lifelong commitment to self.