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Friends, today is the day I'm going to tell you about the Curse of the Walnuts, which has been the bane of my existence for five years, and whose mystery has finally been solved this morning.
Five years ago, Jon and I bought our first house. It is an understatement to say that it was a fixer-upper when it was, in fact, an old ruin built in the early 20th century that was in dire need for some structural work. Long story short, we only kept the roof and the walls.
Now, if there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I find DIY therapeutic and I can't resist a power tool. So when we agreed to tear down the old faux-marble mantelpiece and masonry, I was quick to volunteer to operate the jackhammer.
So here I am, gleefully destroying the old chimney, when I finally reach the smoke chamber.
And as soon as the jackhammer pierces through the last brick, a flood of walnuts comes pouring out.
And as soon as the jackhammer pierces through the last brick, a flood of walnuts comes pouring out.
There are about two hundred walnuts lying at my feet, and more are spilling out of the chimney.
It's weird. "Maybe squirrels?" says Jon. We haven't seen a squirrel in the neighbourhood since we bought the house, but at least it's an explanation.
It's weird. "Maybe squirrels?" says Jon. We haven't seen a squirrel in the neighbourhood since we bought the house, but at least it's an explanation.
We gather the walnuts and start laying bricks to plug up the old smoke chamber and forget about the whole thing.
Until a couple of days later.
Until a couple of days later.
The house is empty. We haven't moved our furniture in yet, and we still need to have the ceilings built. I'm sweeping the floor to try and get rid of the remaining brick dust (that thing gets everywhere and it takes days for it to settle).
Suddenly, a noise breaks the silence.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Like a marble falling down a couple of stairs, or a child knocking on a door.
I look around.
No one.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Like a marble falling down a couple of stairs, or a child knocking on a door.
I look around.
No one.
And then I see it. Right in the middle of the empty room, a single, perfect walnut.
It's just lying there, looking mundane, out of place, and menacing.
It's just lying there, looking mundane, out of place, and menacing.
Now, while it doesn't make sense for a walnut to appear in the middle of a room, it sort of makes sense for a walnut to be in the immediate vicinity of it since there's a rather large walnut tree next door. It isn't walnut season though.
A couple of weeks later, our neighbour decides to take down the walnut tree because it's grown too large and its branches are now so overgrown that they've started to lift roof tiles on both our houses.
And just like that, the walnut tree is gone.
But not the walnuts.
And just like that, the walnut tree is gone.
But not the walnuts.
For five years, we would hear a knock and run to the window to see a walnut resting on the car roof. I'd open the front door and there would be a walnut on the welcome mat. I'd be painting the gate of the alley, and wham! a fucking walnut would fall from the sky.
There were no squirrels. The walnut tree has been gone for years now. But from time to time, we'd hear something drop into the walled chimney, and we'd just *know* it was a walnut.
So we started to refer to the phenomenon as the Curse of the Walnuts, and learnt to live with it.
So we started to refer to the phenomenon as the Curse of the Walnuts, and learnt to live with it.
One walnut would just appear randomly. I'd pick it up, look at it with confusion, and throw it away.
But there would always be another walnut.
Again, this lasted for five years.
But there would always be another walnut.
Again, this lasted for five years.
And then this morning, we finally put two and two together, when we heard the crows that like to sunbathe on our roof and looked up.
Two questions remain :
(1) Where do the crows find the walnuts? There isn't a walnut tree anywhere to be seen. Do they actively look for walnuts all over town and bring them here?
(2) Why? Why?!? WHY???
(1) Where do the crows find the walnuts? There isn't a walnut tree anywhere to be seen. Do they actively look for walnuts all over town and bring them here?
(2) Why? Why?!? WHY???
