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1/ On advice from the esteemed @DmitryOpines, let me tell you a story about that time when I was a diplomat in China and made a giant ass of myself in front of ~1500 people.
Among strong competition, it remains the most embarrassed I have ever been.
(Warning: long
)
Among strong competition, it remains the most embarrassed I have ever been.
(Warning: long
)
2/ A little background: I was Consul in Shanghai. Our office was 'responsible' for reporting on the happenings in East China.
Our area included Wuhan
but, thankfully for me, I'd left China by the summer of 2019, just missing that nightmare.
Our area included Wuhan
but, thankfully for me, I'd left China by the summer of 2019, just missing that nightmare.
3/ (My former colleagues did incredible work going to Wuhan to evacuate stranded Australians home on chartered flights).
I digress.
I digress.
4/ There's a practice in China, especially in the provinces, that if you're having a celebration, there is nothing more prized than having a foreigner attend.
Even better? A foreigner who 'speaks Chinese'.
Even better? A foreigner who 'speaks Chinese'.
5/ One of many wonderful things about China is that you don't need much of an excuse to celebrate. Our small office would get 30 or 40 invitations every month.
6/ 'Please send your consul to attend: a local official's birthday party or, the opening of a bookstore or, the first Plum Rain or, Tuesday.'
Don't get me wrong, these were often a hoot, especially the first 20 times.
Don't get me wrong, these were often a hoot, especially the first 20 times.
7/ Everyone is unfailingly hospitable and friendly and you're plied with local delicacies and baijiu (if I am never entreated to 'gan bei' with baijiu again I shall die a grateful man).
8/ But your purpose at these celebrations is clear: to be seen to be having a great time, whether or not you are having a great time.
9/ Anyway, in the summer of 2018, I accepted an invitation to speak at the opening of a Chinese secondary school in Anhui, one of China's least developed provinces.
In Chinese.
In Chinese.
10/ No problem, my Chinese is pretty reasonable, certainly reasonable enough to deliver prepared remarks and cut a ribbon, I thought.
11/ Whether I forgot, or I was never told became a matter of endless debate in the months following, but either way, I wasn't aware that my performance that humid morning would also require me to: join in a dance recital with local school children, and....
12/ ... sit for a lengthy, public Q&A with a senior local government official.
Let's skip quickly over the dance recital...
Let's skip quickly over the dance recital...
13/ If I tell you that I knew none of the dance moves, am a bad dancer at the best of times, the southern interior of China gets unfathomably hot and humid in August, and I was dressed in suit and tie, your imagination can take you the rest of the way.
14/ Put it this way - no one in that audience thought Australian's were cool and laid back ever again.
Particularly because of what happened next.
Particularly because of what happened next.
15/ The Q&A.
I'd done these before, and they're generally pretty straightforward:
How much do you like China? A lot.
What's your favourite dish? Something from another region (cue good-natured banter).
What do you think of our celebration? It's the most fun I've ever had.
I'd done these before, and they're generally pretty straightforward:
How much do you like China? A lot.
What's your favourite dish? Something from another region (cue good-natured banter).
What do you think of our celebration? It's the most fun I've ever had.
16/ Everyone happy, job done.
But not my host, not today; he wanted to discuss local politics.
In front of ~1500 parents, students, officials and locals, he had an axe to grind and he thought he might use this hapless foreigner as his sharpening stone.
But not my host, not today; he wanted to discuss local politics.
In front of ~1500 parents, students, officials and locals, he had an axe to grind and he thought he might use this hapless foreigner as his sharpening stone.
17/ My memory is pretty hazy here, but the conversation went along these lines:
"How does government work in Australia?"
"Oh we have our problems, but generally it works okay. We complain a lot but things aren't too bad."
"How does government work in Australia?"
"Oh we have our problems, but generally it works okay. We complain a lot but things aren't too bad."
18/ "Huh! Must be nice! Here, in this town, we have very big problems (proceeds to tell me about local politics, much of which I don't understand). I don't know how to solve them. Can you help?"
19/ "Ummm *checks mental chinese-english dictionary* ummmm no, we don't have those, err, problems but we are a very different country to China, so I wouldn't want to say more than that."
Phew, very diplomatic.
He softens. He apologises for such serious questions.
Phew, very diplomatic.
He softens. He apologises for such serious questions.
20/ No problems I say, relieved, and wait for his next question.
"Do you know where I can find tobacco and alcohol"?
Um. What? I paused parsing this question. He waits expectantly.
Ummmmm. This must be a joke I don't get.
"Do you know where I can find tobacco and alcohol"?
Um. What? I paused parsing this question. He waits expectantly.
Ummmmm. This must be a joke I don't get.
21/ At this point I have no idea what my brain was doing. It was off on its own, in some sort of panicked autopilot. It tells me my mouth to respond:
"Oh yes, sure! I have plenty of that, just come back to my hotel room and I'll give it to you hahahahaha".
"Oh yes, sure! I have plenty of that, just come back to my hotel room and I'll give it to you hahahahaha".
22/ Now, my Australian sense of humour doesn't often land with people who speak the same language as me, why I thought that 'joke' would land in that setting, I have no idea.
Let's blame the 35c temperature and 90% humidity.
Let's blame the 35c temperature and 90% humidity.
23/ The rest of the interview goes quickly enough, my brain is somewhere else, replaying the question and answer in my head, searching for anything I might have missed.
Now, before I reveal my humiliation in its full grandeur, I must note one last thing:
Now, before I reveal my humiliation in its full grandeur, I must note one last thing:
24/ The Chinese language has a LOT of words that sound similar, but have VERY different meanings.
You have to listen to the tones to determine the correct meaning, but not even tones matter when you get into some of the regional dialects.
You have to listen to the tones to determine the correct meaning, but not even tones matter when you get into some of the regional dialects.
25/ So, turns out, out there in remote Anhui, I'd heard yān jiǔ (tobacco and alcohol), when my host had said "yán jiū" (research).
He'd asked me where he could find research. He'd wanted me to find him more research, so he could study how other governments dealt with problems.
He'd asked me where he could find research. He'd wanted me to find him more research, so he could study how other governments dealt with problems.
26/ He hadn't asked me where he could find a pack of durries and couple tins at all.
I'd suggested if he wanted more research, he should come back to my hotel room where I'd give him that research, adding "hahahahah" for good measure.
In front of kids, for god's sake.
I'd suggested if he wanted more research, he should come back to my hotel room where I'd give him that research, adding "hahahahah" for good measure.
In front of kids, for god's sake.
27/ Some probably not even 10 years old.
There is a town in Eastern China that thinks Australia is full of men who use public appearances to hit on Chinese officials.
Western culture is truly VERY different, they probably mutter amongst their friends.
There is a town in Eastern China that thinks Australia is full of men who use public appearances to hit on Chinese officials.
Western culture is truly VERY different, they probably mutter amongst their friends.
28/ If there is a saving grace to that story, it's that I didn't find out about my faux-pas until I was on the train back to Shanghai.
The rest of my stay was fine enough, I was fed some more booze, shuttled off to my hotel for the evening and waved good bye in the morning.
The rest of my stay was fine enough, I was fed some more booze, shuttled off to my hotel for the evening and waved good bye in the morning.
29/ I'm not sure if there is a lesson behind this story.
Perhaps it's the next time you stumble on a word while giving a presentation, or call someone by the wrong name on a zoom call, remember:
It could always be worse.
Perhaps it's the next time you stumble on a word while giving a presentation, or call someone by the wrong name on a zoom call, remember:
It could always be worse.
