ocd ranting tw suicide and eating disorders //

i'm so fuckin tired of people pretending ocd is just some cutesy term for being organized and clean and stuff it's literally an anxiety disorder. if ocd were just that, i wouldn't even have it. sure i like things to be organized a certain way in my room, it can often end up messy

and that's pretty normal i think?? i also wash my hands, as anyone should. after that on the normalness scale is something like lights with two switches both needing to be switched down or having blinds closed a certain way or how all drawers need to be closed and that only

lights that are currently needed in a house are on and all room doors are closed unless open for a specific purpose. that's all kinda weird, but still pretty tame; ocd can get a lot darker and more intrusive too. here comes all the triggering stuff so like, if you're actually

reading this shit for some reason be mindful. anyway! people forget that the name is obsessive compulsive disorder. it's about obsessive tendencies and intrusive compulsions, naturally. for me, this manifested in lots of really traumatic ways. one was my obsession with calories

i think lots of factors went into me suffering from anorexia from when i was about 10 up until under a year ago, and i'm still recovering. the fact that i obsessed over how much i was eating and wanting to measure how long i could go without food until i die certainly never

helped. another one is one that got me bullied sometimes back in like, 4th grade. for some unexplainable reason i had a notebook where i would write the math problem 6 x 6 = 36 once per line on every single line. i had no logical reason to waste time on that, but it was like an

addiction in a way; it would shortly relieve some anxiety and satisfy my compulsion to do it for a bit, but the next day i'd find myself doing it again when i should be paying attention in class or whatever. people always thought that shit was weird and some thought i was the

evil or something for it. it was probably another reason i never had friends until high school. a dangerous (though quite common in people with ocd) compulsion is the compulsion for self harm. this can mean something different for everyone, but for me i would obsess with thoughts

of all the ways i could possibly hurt myself to feel something. at the same time, i constantly feared others could hurt me since i was being abused quite frequently at the time. i think the idea of hurting myself was to feel like i have control over my constant suffering, maybe

to make it feel like my own fault so i would have somebody to blame who i had the power to harm because i thought i deserved it. my main self harm issue was mostly me starving myself. probably my worst one and most present one these days is my obsession with drowning. i almost

drowned a few times when i was kid and that's probably how this one really started. however, a few of my suicide attempts were me trying to drown myself. i actually can't go swimming these days, because everytime i'm even near a pool or body of water i almost always get this