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The deepest secrets are found in silence.
A thread on my experience spending 9 days in total silence.
A thread on my experience spending 9 days in total silence.
Before I start I have to say clearly that I DO NOT recommend this to anyone.
It can be so much more painful and difficult than you imagine.
If you’re going through trauma or withdrawal - stay away.
But it can also be incredibly powerful...
It can be so much more painful and difficult than you imagine.
If you’re going through trauma or withdrawal - stay away.
But it can also be incredibly powerful...
It unlocks states of mind that I don’t believe are achievable any other way.
Certain psychedelic drugs hint at what’s possible...
But if anything they undersell the raw power of the human mind in total isolation.
How was the silence organized?
Certain psychedelic drugs hint at what’s possible...
But if anything they undersell the raw power of the human mind in total isolation.
How was the silence organized?
By a Buddhist organization. But that’s not really important.
This is a very solitary experience.
The ground rules are extremely important though. No phones or computers of course.
But no books or notepads either. Nothing to distract yourself from pure being.
No eye contact.
This is a very solitary experience.
The ground rules are extremely important though. No phones or computers of course.
But no books or notepads either. Nothing to distract yourself from pure being.
No eye contact.
No passing notes to staff or others on the silent retreat.
There were of course people on standby for medical emergencies... but fortunately none came up.
1 meal a day plus tea and coffee - and most people slept in cabins, except for a few who braved it in tents.
There were of course people on standby for medical emergencies... but fortunately none came up.
1 meal a day plus tea and coffee - and most people slept in cabins, except for a few who braved it in tents.
There were yoga classes in the morning and each night there was a lecture by a meditative practitioner-
But nothing was mandatory.
Otherwise it was 9 days of total silence, alternating walking with sitting meditation.
I did a LOT of walking.
But nothing was mandatory.
Otherwise it was 9 days of total silence, alternating walking with sitting meditation.
I did a LOT of walking.
It is probably impossible to describe the changes your mind goes through when removed from virtually all external stimuli.
it is just you alone with your darkest, deepest thoughts.
I hope that everyone reading this would get it through it more quickly...
But I struggled...
it is just you alone with your darkest, deepest thoughts.
I hope that everyone reading this would get it through it more quickly...
But I struggled...
I struggled for days just dealing with all the fears and embarrassments and bad memories that I had successfully tucked away during normal life.
It was beyond excruciating.
It was indescribably painful.
It essentially contained within it every negative thought I’d ever had.
It was beyond excruciating.
It was indescribably painful.
It essentially contained within it every negative thought I’d ever had.
Including some that were decades old - that I hadn’t thought about in many years - and I am not an old man.
Like many, I hit that hard day 3 wall where i didn’t think I could possible make it any longer...
And this is where the social pressure is crucial.
Like many, I hit that hard day 3 wall where i didn’t think I could possible make it any longer...
And this is where the social pressure is crucial.
Even though I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes...
I couldn’t bear the thought of being the first, or the only one to leave.
So i gutted it out.
And you never exorcise these demon memories completely - but you do start to learn to live with them.
And you start feeling...
I couldn’t bear the thought of being the first, or the only one to leave.
So i gutted it out.
And you never exorcise these demon memories completely - but you do start to learn to live with them.
And you start feeling...
Indescribably calm.
Also your senses are incredibly heightened.
Taste, smell, hearing - it is like the most powerful nootropic you’ve ever taken.
Not to mention your emotional sense.
Your emotions become dangerously heightened.
Also your senses are incredibly heightened.
Taste, smell, hearing - it is like the most powerful nootropic you’ve ever taken.
Not to mention your emotional sense.
Your emotions become dangerously heightened.
I am not a man who cries.
But when one of the staff members ran into town to bring me back honey cough drops...
I broke down sobbing. Maybe the most honest emotional release I’d had in years.
That simple act of human kindness utterly broke me.
But when one of the staff members ran into town to bring me back honey cough drops...
I broke down sobbing. Maybe the most honest emotional release I’d had in years.
That simple act of human kindness utterly broke me.
The hard shell of a man who spent so many years fighting, struggling, mistrusting and suffering was completely cracked open.
It was calmer from there.
The vegetarian meals which I would have hated under normal circumstances tasted like the finest Michelin starred meats.
It was calmer from there.
The vegetarian meals which I would have hated under normal circumstances tasted like the finest Michelin starred meats.
And I carried that dangerous but joyous emotional sensitivity for many weeks after...
Not the least of which was when the woman who is now my wife picked me up.
When you renter the real world any sound is deafening.
And normal work and life feels catastrophic.
Not the least of which was when the woman who is now my wife picked me up.
When you renter the real world any sound is deafening.
And normal work and life feels catastrophic.
I wish I could say it gives you tools and resiliency to deal with that...
But ultimately this is not self-help.
And while it can’t fix this reality, what it does show you is that another reality is available.
But ultimately this is not self-help.
And while it can’t fix this reality, what it does show you is that another reality is available.
Nothing I’ve said here can even come close to capturing the experience...
These words are just a pale shadow of the most overwhelmingly intense physical and emotional experience I’ve ever been through.
I am a strong-willed man...
These words are just a pale shadow of the most overwhelmingly intense physical and emotional experience I’ve ever been through.
I am a strong-willed man...
But now I've seen clearly how bad faith spiritual leaders can take over people’s minds.
There is something deeply powerful... and deeply dangerous at play here.
Its not entirely unrelated to cults or soldiers at boot camp...
Or these very devices we hold.
There is something deeply powerful... and deeply dangerous at play here.
Its not entirely unrelated to cults or soldiers at boot camp...
Or these very devices we hold.
Even now as I write this I can feel powerful emotions welling up...
And while it did not calm my external life - I have since moved to a small town and taken other ambitious steps towards less chaos.
So this experience may have fundamentally altered the course of my life.
And while it did not calm my external life - I have since moved to a small town and taken other ambitious steps towards less chaos.
So this experience may have fundamentally altered the course of my life.
And what is at play here?
Nothing more and nothing less than life itself.
Just the experience of being human. Period.
And you have no idea how strange and powerful that experience is... How distant you are from it... until you go through something like this.
Nothing more and nothing less than life itself.
Just the experience of being human. Period.
And you have no idea how strange and powerful that experience is... How distant you are from it... until you go through something like this.
I have no sales pitch or call to action - not even a joking one here - but if you want to hear more of my thoughts please drop your email here: http://pinebaron.substack.com
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