Here's how rape culture gets normalized in the church.

In For Young Women Only, a survey of guys wanting to have sex in consensual relationships is used to say that boys have little ability/responsibility to stop in non-consensual ones.

A thread.

400 predominantly non-Christian boys were asked if, when with a willing partner who doesn't signal no, they would have the ability to stop.

30% say Why would I?
18% say no ability to stop.
34% say some ability, but may go further than intended.
18% say I find it easy to stop.

Feldhahn & Rice combine the answers like this: 82% say they have little ability/responsibility to stop. They conclude: "With a guy, if you want to be able to stop it, it's best to not even start."

They use words like, "a sizeable minority feel no responsibility to stop." "Be careful." "Be cautious." "Watch out."

They say, "boys needed the girls' help" to stop.

What is this telling girls?

You are responsible for stopping in a make out situation, because he can't/won't. If you go too far, then, it's your fault, because you know he can't stop.

But is this a valid interpretation of this data?

After all, those numbers can be combined another way.

In a consensual relationship where sex is on the table, 52% of guys say they would be able to stop the sexual progression anyway, even if it's hard. Only 48% would not be able to/want to stop in a consensual relationship.

They also say, "For a guy even more than a girl, making out ...starts a physical drive...that takes major effort to override."

How do they know it's harder for boys? Did they ask girls this question? Nope. They asked a sort-of-similar-one, & 46% of girls said they'd have sex.

So 48% of boys and 46% of girls would have sex in a consensual relationship. This is not a gender difference, and it should not have been reported as such.

But even more than that, this is not a valid use of this survey data.

What would happen to those numbers if the question had been phrased: "You're making out with your girlfriend and she wants to stop. What ability do you have to stop?" Likely the numbers would be very different.

You cannot take answers from guys in consensual situations and apply them to non-consensual situations. That makes a ton of boys sound like rapists.

And you cannot make gender assumptions without asking the same question of both genders.

Most importantly, you cannot tell girls that boys have little ability to stop once they start making out, because THAT'S RAPE CULTURE. That tells girls, "if you're date raped, you should have known better. You shouldn't have started in the first place, because he can't help it."

If you were a teenage girl and you were date raped and you read this book, would you even know that you had been assaulted? Or would you just blame yourself?

We went deeper into deconstructing this survey question in the latter half of our Bare Marriage podcast today: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2021/01/the-watch-out-for-boys-who-want-to-push-your-sexual-boundaries-podcast/

In our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, our survey of 20,000 women shows this "gatekeeping" message to girls that boys will push your sexual boundaries has terrible effects on women's sex lives & marriages. Yet this message is pervasive in evangelical books to teen girls.

Let's stop the message. Let's change the conversation. https://amzn.to/2LSlReL  #greatsexrescue