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THREAD: Post-Trump and post-pandemic, when divisiveness and stress hopefully begin to wane, there are undoubtedly going to be some biiiiig apologies happening in fractured relationships.
I want to talk about giving and receiving apologies in healthy ways.
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I want to talk about giving and receiving apologies in healthy ways.
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First, a real apology takes humility, strength and character. A person knows they’ve messed up and is owning it, which often puts them in a vulnerable position. The act itself is significant and can signal true growth. It's takes courage to say you're sorry.
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What makes a good apology?
A few key things, including
- taking ownership
- showing remorse
- acknowledging the impact your words or actions had on others
- asking how to make amends, if possible
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A few key things, including
- taking ownership
- showing remorse
- acknowledging the impact your words or actions had on others
- asking how to make amends, if possible
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An apology should never be motivated by:
- expecting the other to apologize to you for as well
- as a means to change the person’s feelings about you
- an expectation of restoring the relationship to what it was
Authentic apologies are to make amends, full stop.
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- expecting the other to apologize to you for as well
- as a means to change the person’s feelings about you
- an expectation of restoring the relationship to what it was
Authentic apologies are to make amends, full stop.
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Not all apologies, no matter how good, will get a response.
Most importantly, someone might not feel safe talking to this person anymore (especially true of an abuser or of someone who was particularly cruel).
Keeping ourselves safe and well is top priority.
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Most importantly, someone might not feel safe talking to this person anymore (especially true of an abuser or of someone who was particularly cruel).
Keeping ourselves safe and well is top priority.
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Not all apologies, no matter how good, will be accepted.
Maybe we’re not ready to let go of that situation yet.
Maybe we’ll never be.
And all of that is okay as long as we’re not drowning in resentment. Forgiveness is for us when we need it.
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Maybe we’re not ready to let go of that situation yet.
Maybe we’ll never be.
And all of that is okay as long as we’re not drowning in resentment. Forgiveness is for us when we need it.
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We don’t have to accept someone’s apology or engage with them to forgive or let go.
If forgiving is needed for us to move forward, it’s entirely possible to do so without any engagement. Letter writing, therapy, meditation and, well, just time, can help us let go.
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If forgiving is needed for us to move forward, it’s entirely possible to do so without any engagement. Letter writing, therapy, meditation and, well, just time, can help us let go.
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We can forgive AND set boundaries with the individual.
“I accept your apology” does not have to also mean “and let’s try to go back to where we were before.”
It can mean “I’ve put closure to this and now I can move on with my life.” It’s okay to move forward apart.
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“I accept your apology” does not have to also mean “and let’s try to go back to where we were before.”
It can mean “I’ve put closure to this and now I can move on with my life.” It’s okay to move forward apart.
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If you do try to make a go of that relationship after an apology (or mutual apologies), recognize it might take some time to build that trust back up. But some of the best relationships are the ones who’ve navigated those early growing pains. Growing is work.
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In summary, if you apologize, do it with good intentions and no expectations.
And if you receive an apology, do whatever feels right for your mind and heart.
Life is short. Be good people. Be good to people. Be good to you.
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And if you receive an apology, do whatever feels right for your mind and heart.
Life is short. Be good people. Be good to people. Be good to you.
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