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My sweet Joe died early this am. 28 years together. We spent this week in a dimly lit room in the worst kind of purgatory. When I did home hospice with my mother, my whole family was around. This time I was alone. Twitter was a distraction that kept me connected to reality. (1
If youâve never been through a hospice at home situation, you canât imagine how emotionally painful it is. Itâs not Kumbaya. Be prepared for the worst sorts of emotions and pain. Loss, love, guilt, fear, anger. At first, you think youâll can take it. Then the days stretch on. (2
In my case, it was made worse by my husbandâs stroke in Sept. This man, who loved to teach and lecture, lost the power of language. Small words he could get, not the important ones. He struggled to tell me things that seemed important, but I couldnât understand. (3
Then he stopped speaking at all. Then he stopped looking around. Then he stopped breathing. (4
This took a week. He came home last Sunday and didnât seem any worse than before going to the hospital. He had many medical problems and he was 78 y.o. He had already decided to stop dialysis, knowing it meant death in less than 2 weeks. But it is not a very painful death. (5
We shared a bed with our 3 little dogs. I didnât get much sleep, but I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to touch him and hold him. He loves the dogs and they love him. Daddyâs girl, Scruffy wonât stop barking since they took him away. (6
By Tuesday morning, he took his last bit of food and drink. When youâre dying you lose your appetite and youâre digestive system is the first to shut down. I googled it and they said you can only live without water for 3 days. They are wrong. (7
Joe was still âtalkingâ to me. Sometimes I understood, sometimes it was 20 questions, sometimes it was impossible. By Friday morning he wasnât talking, but he was still semi-awake. I thought the end was near. 3 days w/o food and drink. I was wrong. (8
Friday stretched into Saturday, just sleeping. Except for meds every 2 hours, there was nothing more I could do for him. I didnât get much sleep so I wouldnât miss his meds. So I talked about all the good times weâve had. I told him how much I loved him a thousand times. (9
Saturday, the dogs curled up next to Joe, I took my first shower since Monday and cooked a hot meal. Iâd been afraid to leave him for long. Yes, hospice nurse offered to sit with him while I took a shower and did chores, but the fear and guilt were too much to leave his side. (10
I expected his death soon. So I waited. And waited. There is a lot of guilt in wishing your loved one would die soon to put you both out of your misery. It happened with my Mom too. We kept telling her it was OK to go. I finally told Joe that it was OK. He had prepared me. (11
Joe had spent the last few years teaching me how to survive on my own. Thatâs what he always did. A Master Instructor in the Air Force, teaching was what he did. He was 17 yrs older than me and knew that he would leave first. So he taught. (12
Saturday became Sunday and still I waited. I didnât want him to go, but I knew he would. Grappling with the pain of loss and the guilt that maybe I could have done more. And the guilt of wanting to be released from this purgatory. (13
As he lay there slowly and shallowly breathing, I thought Sunday was the day. I sat by his side. By now, I had read 3 books and started on a 4th. I was alone and needed to fill the quiet, lonely hours. I scrolled Twitter and tweeted. (14
I found a fellow Tweep who was going thru the same thing, at the same time, and I connected (TY Jennie 
). Her husband passed shortly after mine. We plan to meet and hug and cry. (15
). Her husband passed shortly after mine. We plan to meet and hug and cry. (15
Sunday night came and I lay down next to him. I was tired, but I wanted to be sure to give him meds so he would have no pain. I awoke at 1:15 Monday morning. I heard him take his last breath at 1:20. (16
Hospice of Spokane was wonderful. The nurse came and helped me, then called the funeral home. They came, were polite, and took him away. And Scruffy howled. I knew her pain. Now I face the rest of my life without him. (17
If you think this is TL~DR or too macabre or narcissistic, it doesnât matter. I wrote it for me. To get my feelings on paper while I still remember every twinge of pain and every tear spilt. I thought sharing might help someone else who may have to go through this. (18
Hospice at home is hard, very hard, but also the best way to go for everyone involved if possible. Just donât expect to be singing Kumbaya while you wait for your loved one to die. It's far deeper and emotional than you can imagine. (End
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