Thread:

One thing I struggle to speak about with straight women, including radfems, is why I think they shouldn’t date men. Preface: I am not trying to convert you to a lesbian sex cult, and I don’t think you’re stupid bc of your orientation.

All the data shows that women’s biggest risk of violence comes from men in the home. Not strangers, but your father, brother, relatives, boyfriends, husbands, and even your sons pose the biggest threat to you and your daughters.

When lesbian radfems suggest you then... not date men, we’re giving you the simple (not easy!) solution to the same male violence all women have faced- exclude men from your lives, or at least your homes.

You do deserve love and affection and intimacy. But you also have to weigh what that’s worth to you. And you also have to consider how much of your panic/defensiveness about this topic is due to internalized misogyny.
Facts you have been socialized your entire life to reject:

⁃You don’t need a man in your life to complete you
⁃Being romantically lonely is not a death sentence. Dating men can be.
⁃Women that are single most of their lives are not pathetic or miserable.
⁃You can live a full, happy life without men.

⁃Your value is not determined by men being interested in you or involved in your life. You have inherent value
⁃All men are misogynistic via socialization
⁃Men commit the majority of violent crime and sexual assault, including against children

⁃Your female friends care about you and support you as much or more than a man could. Your friends don’t have to want to have sex with you to love you and make you happy. You don’t have to want sex with someone for their company and affection to be valuable

⁃Plenty of lesbians AND bisexuals AND straight women have gone their whole lives without dating literally anyone and been okay and happy.

Choosing not to date men is difficult. But again, lesbians are not trying to make you miserable by telling you not to date them. Instead of getting defensive or angry, seriously consider these things and trust that we care about your well-being, and aren’t “converting” anyone

But also be aware that your man isn’t special- every woman thinks the man she’s dating isn’t like the other men, that he’s kind and nice and treats her right. But all men are still capable of violence, and plenty of women have been abused by men they thought wouldn’t hurt them.

Also know that there are ways to reduce your vulnerability to men that don’t involve cutting them out of your life 100%, which is pretty hard. You can still make big changes to protect yourself. Start by raising your standards for the men you do date and vet the hell out of them.

No porn, no misogynistic jokes, no violent/degrading kinks, no letting his friends say misogynistic shit, no “crazy ex gf” stories, etc. This limits your dating pool but these are all very reasonable expectations tbh. exclude any kind of misogyny from men you befriend or date.

Don’t get married. The financial benefits are not worth the potential for violence and besides, in a lot of places, marriage just gives your husband more legal right to hurt you (or your children). It’s almost never in your favor.

Don’t let men stay over or live with you. Find female roommates that agree not to have men in the house. Look for female exclusive housing when it’s possible.

Again, it’s hard. You don’t have to do everything at once- in fact, you don’t have to do any of this at all. But you also don’t have to be resigned to dating men just bc you’re attracted to them- there are other options

And again bc ik many of these fears also come from homophobia: you don’t have to be a “political lesbian” (pls don’t), you don’t have to eat pussy for the cause and I and the other mean ugly manhating butch dykes are not trying to fuck you. We actually just care about your safety