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there’s a time to ~ discourse ~ about the v. real ways shame, trauma, homophobia, transphobia + racism all intersect with our experiences of s_x, kinks, fetishes, + the way we respond to everyone else’s, and the “sex posi movement”, and the damage it’s done. (thread)
there’s a time to ~ discourse ~, w/ SWers leading the convo, about the affect that p_rn, both mainstream + indie has on our (sexual) psyches + development — bc no, i don’t think you start + stop developing sexually as a kid and then teen. it’s lifelong, and *complex*
right now is not the time. using armie hammer, a serial abuser, as the poster boy for “oppressed kinksters”; empathising + defending him basically bc “kinksters need to stick together”; using the experience of those he abused as canon fodder for your articles is just plain evil.
no, kinksters are not inherently oppressed. yes, kink-shaming is actually v necessary sometimes. yes, you need to be actively, consistently + brutally honest about why you have the kinks/fetishes/“preferences” you do - for your own sake, and the sake of those you f_ ck.
“real bdsm” can be abusive. “real bdsm spaces” can, in the name of “progressiveness” and as a deeply contrarian reaction to mainstream / vanilla spaces, allow abusers to quite literally run rampant. abusers in kink spaces leverage people’s anxiety about being “sex negative”; +
lack of knowledge about the way kink operates materially; the affect it has mentally, emotionally, physically, especially on SA survivors, to do truly heinous things; to manipulate, take advantage of younger and/or more inexperienced people, etc. i’ve seen it happen, over + over
tw: SA ment.
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i know it’s tempting to talk about “real” vs “not real” bdsm in an effort to both dissuade people’s anxieties about kink being inherently abusive, and to express in shorthand your stance that BDSM, at its core, should never incorporate abuse of ANY kind.
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i know it’s tempting to talk about “real” vs “not real” bdsm in an effort to both dissuade people’s anxieties about kink being inherently abusive, and to express in shorthand your stance that BDSM, at its core, should never incorporate abuse of ANY kind.
i used to use the phrase“real bdsm” while expressing all of that ^ — up until late 2020, when i met a clearly sexually and emotionally abusive kinkster, abuser and fetishiser who’d been frequenting kinky spaces online + irl for over year.
he didn’t mean it the way i did.
he used it to shut people down; to dismiss the concerns + fears of those who were new to BDSM / kink — when you’re with a ~ real dom ~, anxiety, trauma, discomfort. boundaries don’t exist. you’re inherently safe.
that, ofc, is manipulative bs.
he used it to shut people down; to dismiss the concerns + fears of those who were new to BDSM / kink — when you’re with a ~ real dom ~, anxiety, trauma, discomfort. boundaries don’t exist. you’re inherently safe.
that, ofc, is manipulative bs.
it’s also *exactly* the kind of shit armie hammer did and said. it’s *exactly* the rhetoric that too many kinksters, in an effort to alleviate their own sense of shame and guilt about their desires, regurgitate and spread. it’s abuser talk, and it’s so, so dangerous.
say it with me, loud and clear — “kinksters are not inherently more progressive, understanding, less judgemental or dangerous than non-kinksters. being kinky doesn’t = being a better person. kinksters are just as capable of doing harm as anyone else.”
too many (particularly white, cis/het) kinksters/bdsmers view their sexual preferences as a genuine axis of oppression in and of itself. contrastingly, non-BDSMers + esp non SWers dismiss the reality that having your sexual tastes + activity exposed against your will, +
leveraged against you as evidence of you being a bad person, a creepy person, an inherent predator, etc. can be life changing, and life-ruining.
armie hammer is not an example of that. armie hammer is not a poor kinkster, whose healthy private sexual life was outed.
armie hammer is not an example of that. armie hammer is not a poor kinkster, whose healthy private sexual life was outed.
armie hammer is a kinky abuser. he’s an abusive BDSMer. he’s an incrediblymanipulative, influential man who used every bit of his power, every bit of shame and uncertainty in his victims, to gain sexual gratification at any cost and he is *not an exception*.
i’m not saying it’s wrong to want to be able to explore your sexual desires w/out fear of being “found out” + consequently, ostracised as a deviant. as a SWer + BDSMer, i know exactly what that fear’s like, but using it to justify transforming abusers into victims of society...
it’s fucked up. it’s wrong. it’s cruel and as a survivor, i’m just ... at a loss rn
