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Going to write out a big long thread about something that's been on my mind and something that I have been keenly aware of for a long time now that is counter-productive, and where it came from in regards to RP. Also want to preface this with I know it's a personal issue.
So, to start it off I want to address the main problem before going into the root. I know this is kind of like, the situation I've partially made for myself with my choices but it's still something I struggle with and partly keeps me from rp.
The main issue is that I am so afraid to approach people that I think have interesting characters, people that I would like to rp with. I'm afraid partly because of a specific attitude around rp that i was sort of 'indoctrinated' in when I started rping and part of it --//c
-- is because of what I might suppose is related to what I was posting about earlier with sex positivity. So, basically I am afraid to approach other people for RP (mostly people on twitter) because I worry that as a nsfw artist and account, people are going to think that --
-- I am only interested in rping one thing (erp basically). I am very upfront and open about my sexuality and expressing it, I don't feel there's anything wrong with it and that it's my account to do with as I wish. I try to be selective as well with what i post and don't. --//c
-- I am afraid people will reject me out of hand because they assume that as a goblin rper and nsfw artist that I'm only going to be asking for erp or focusing on it when what I really want is to be able to play Hypna and explore bonds with other characters and fun situations.
And I don't feel like anyone should be obligated to rp with me for whatever reason. If someone doesn't like my writing or my character or style or just doesn't want to rp, I'm fine with that? It's no sweat to me, but I always, in my head think it's because I might be creepy? -//c
I do not really know how people perceive me or how to judge that sort of thing because my perception of myself is heavily skewed to always be 'you might as well not even be here/exist.' Even when there's no reason to think that, it's rooted in childhood emotional neglect. --//c
BUT the big thing that does keep me back and enforced that attitude is due to the people I ended up falling in with when I first got into rp. I didn't know what red flags to look out for and I feel like I was absolutely preyed upon as a new rper when I was invited to TWP. --//c
It was heavily set up and implied and I was manipulated to believe that -everyone outside the guild- on the server was absolutely awful and terrible. No one would like me or want to talk to me because they're so terrible (no real specific reason why), --//c
That if I dared leave the guild or socialize or rp with people outside the guild, they would just hurt me and I'd "fail". This was also enforced through how you were shunned if you rp'd outside the group dynamic, deemed 'irrelevant' as a character. --//c
//c This has ended up culminating with general internalized whorephobia into 'No one is going to want to rp with you because you're a nsfw artist so you're "dirty" and unacceptable and creepy'. --//c
I am always extremely self-aware of how I might come off when I comment on other peoples' posts (art related or rp related or OC related) and I feel that I'm being respectful and appropriate but I still have this sort of, paranoia I suppose? I'm not sure how to phrase it. --//c
And it's kind of become this big thing now that I don't approach others for rp (when I actually have the energy to rp) because I (for no real concrete reason) feel that I am going to be written off or ignored out of hand --//c
And it has contributed heavily to me getting burned out and stopping rping. I also am never good at coming up with a starting scene or opening so it's very limiting. I just can never think of openers? Or scenes to set. It's frustrating.
That's about it. I know this is a really long thread but it's something I always have on my mind. I'm not sure if I've talked about it much before in the past but I recently identified the specific feelings and their roots. I am open to hearing feedback from others!
