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Last night, my ex started texting my husband while drunk. He expressed concern about my ability to handle a specific parenting responsibility, and my husband responded kindly but firmly- saying that I was responsible, addressing my exes concerns.
Last night, my ex started texting my husband while drunk. He expressed concern about my ability to handle a specific parenting responsibility, and my husband responded kindly but firmly- saying that I was responsible, addressing my exes concerns.
Rather than accept that, my ex started repeating his concerns, without even acknowledging anything my husband said.
We both kept reassuring him that his worries were in vain, providing solutions and reasoning, and he kept ignoring us and repeating his concerns
We both kept reassuring him that his worries were in vain, providing solutions and reasoning, and he kept ignoring us and repeating his concerns
Eventually, he got angry, claimed my husband had broken some kind of “guy code” by bringing his concerns to me (the person he should be texting about a parenting issue), claimed no one was listening, and that he alone was taking parenting seriously.
It triggered the fuck out of me.
It reminded me of all the times he had decided something (that I was using him, that I had flirted with someone- all unfounded), and berated me about it. Screaming the same thing over and over, ignoring any attempts to address the issue.
It reminded me of all the times he had decided something (that I was using him, that I had flirted with someone- all unfounded), and berated me about it. Screaming the same thing over and over, ignoring any attempts to address the issue.
Refusing to actually SOLVE the problem, and instead insisting, without evidence or logic, that his concerns were actually facts, and ignoring anything that did not support his thoughts.
He would corner me and do this for hours, until I eventually would agree with him to escape.
He would corner me and do this for hours, until I eventually would agree with him to escape.
He would take (or break, in several cases) my phone, my keys, my wallet, make it so I couldn’t leave, while he screamed, inches from my face, that I was cheating on him, or that I didn’t love him, or was using him.
And eventually, I would just agree. Because I was afraid.
And eventually, I would just agree. Because I was afraid.
And then, he would walk away, feeling validated as a victim, knowing I had admitted to whatever he had accused me of, and I was left broken and confused. I knew that he was wrong, but I started to doubt my own beliefs. I grew to hate myself- I felt like I deserved it.
And when I did stand up for myself- argue, call him a name, or try to grab my phone or keys to leave the situation, suddenly- whatever the fight was about didn’t matter. Now I was hurting HIM. I was attacking, I was physically harming him- for standing up for myself, for leaving.
Last night, I was so grateful my husband was there to validate my side. That my ex wasn’t able to intimidate me into being gaslit.
That his attempts to “go over my head” and ask my partner to control me weren’t possible because my husband and I stand equal.
That his attempts to “go over my head” and ask my partner to control me weren’t possible because my husband and I stand equal.
And today, instead of feeling confused or guilty for causing his actions or behaviors, I feel validated. Supported. Respected. Loved.
I still feel like I’m healing, even after all these years.
And I’m reminded of how thankful I am to have left.
I still feel like I’m healing, even after all these years.
And I’m reminded of how thankful I am to have left.
I’m sharing this, this vulnerable shit, because emotional abuse is abuse. It’s valid, and it leaves scars, and those scars don’t just go away. I was tempted to fall back into old patterns last night- to argue, and to eventually tell him he was right, just to calm him down.
And if you’re out there reading this, and can empathize, I’m here to validate you. You couldn’t win an argument made in bad faith. You weren’t the bad guy.
You can leave, you can find happiness, and you can heal.
You can leave, you can find happiness, and you can heal.
This stuff- it can make you feel crazy. It can make you feel like you’re at fault, that somehow, you did something to deserve it.
You didnt.
You don’t deserve it.
You’re not crazy.
You’re being manipulated, and you deserve to be treated with respect
You didnt.
You don’t deserve it.
You’re not crazy.
You’re being manipulated, and you deserve to be treated with respect
