I feel like I spent a lot of my young parenting days struggling with how I was told I *should* parent my autistic kid, that felt intrinsically wrong, and yet if I didn't do things the way I was told to by (nt) "experts," I was "denying" them a chance at a stable & "normal" life.

But normal in this context means "a life without accommodations for neurodiversity." Normal means conformity to a system that benefits the neurotypical. Normal implies that it is the neurodiverse who must accommodate the neurotypical, and WOW is that ableist.

So at some point - prob later than I should, bc I had my kid at like 19&didn't know how to stand up for myself - I abandoned those ways of thinking. I started listening to neurodiverse adults for advice instead of neurotypical "experts." I embraced that I, too, am neurodiverse.

(I have ADHD and other areas of neurodiversity, and I love that about myself, and frankly these elements of who I am make me BETTER at my job)

And suddenly, when I stopped using NT opinions as a metric for "success" as a parent, everything got better. Our relationships. Their coping. MY coping. My marriage! I surrounded us w/ ppl who embraced our family uniqueness instead of judging us by ableist NT measures of success.

We are on our own trajectory as a family. Our timelines and definitions of things like independence look different than NT timelines. And you know what? I love it. We are so unique, as a family. We are so loving to each other. We turn TO each other for problem solving, not away.

We need supports. We absolutely do. And we have been unbelievably fortunate to have a support person in our lives who also embraces our differences and champions my kid's success with literally SAINTLY care and passion. We wouldn't be where we sre without their support &advocacy.

Other parents may see how we accommodate and say, "but that's not how it will work for them in the REAL world."
To that I say: well. It's how it SHOULD work. And I'll fight every day to shape a world where autistic adults are accommodated by their own measure of need -

- not how much neurotypical "experts" declare they "should" need. The idea of this "goal" to "need fewer supports & accommodations"??? The notion that struggle should be an autistic adult's "norm" so long as they don't disrupt the NT status quo? Fuck that. How ableist.

(These are the actual words of people who decide what supports a person qualifies for, in my experiences. "The goal is to wean off supports & accommodations." To train the ND individual to "deal with" their needs in a way that doesn't disrupt - and contributes to - the NT world.)

And my GOD, if I had the language & nerve to see & advocate for this when I was 20 and 22... to say no, they are not "failing," your measures of success are ableist and skewed against my child... what a different experience they would have had. School, play groups, everywhere.

I guess I'm just reflecting today. If I could tell my younger self & all the "experts" or parents struggling against NT standards one thing, I guess it would be:

Ask. Ask what the child needs. And the parent. Ask adults who ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE similar challenges what would have been helpful, and advocate for that.
No, my kid is not going to "blend" in neurotypical classroom.
Nor should I have ever gauged their success by that measure.

For some ND people, blending is the goal, for many reasons. That's why asking what a person needs is appropriate, not determining goals FOR a ND individual based on NT perceptions of what goals "should" be.

Now, I listen to my kid. I ask. I grow. I apologize when I fuck it up.

My kid is wildly creative. Incredibly passionate. Feels deeply. Responds honestly. Thinks critically. Protects themself. Is gloriously queer. I share those traits.

If those traits disrupt your status quo?

Your status quo is ableist and needs disruption.

To all these points: these are our family experiences&they only reflect OUR experiences&never, ever, does "one size fit all," in neurodiversity or anything else. Intersectional identity changes things too. My autistic teen has read and consents to me sharing these Tweets.

I haven't done things perfectly. I WON'T do things perfectly. I own all of that, and can only do better by embracing and learning from our own history. Where I did it right... where I did it wrong. Where I still need to improve, and where I need to stand confidently firm.

And to all of my ND peers - clients, friends, acquaintances, children - I am still learning. I grew up conditioned by a NT world to reject my own need for accommodation. If I can do better, if I can advocate better, tell me. I'm listening.