(A thread) To quote @sarahbessey, "Once upon a time I had it all figured out. Then I didn't." The events that led to the re-examination of my beliefs culminated w/the death of my husband due to an extremely rare cancer. Loss will shake your world and challenge your assumptions.

It was hard to accept that so many things I had been taught were wrong, and they did not hold up in the midst of the storm. Bad things do indeed happen to good people. Sometimes our children will struggle, no matter how much we loved them. And sometimes the church discards us.

These situations, and many other experiences, left me questioning. Wondering. The pat answers I had heard all my life, the simple assumptions? They didn't work. I went through a lot of emotions - I was angry, frustrated, lonely, and felt betrayed. I was not equipped for this.

I had a Jewish therapist. She actually shied away from my spiritual wonderings during this time, telling me to "Go ask my pastor". (Are you kidding me?) But she did say something that stuck with me - "Jan, I think in the end, you'll come back to the true bedrock of your faith."

But to do this, I had to accept a few things: 1) God is much bigger than I can imagine. My view of God must expand. 2) I may never know the answer to a lot of my burning questions. 3) Life will never be the same as it was. Death changes us. It certainly changed me.

"Acceptance is the path to peace" - I came to experience this truth very clearly in my life. I didn't quit wrestling, but I did learn that I had to accept that my life was different and that my view of the world may be limited. I had to grow in new ways in this new reality.

My old faith was simply not enough - it was an old vessel that could not carry this new wine. For many things, I had to become content with not having the answers. I had to learn to live with the mystery. This is hard for those of us who are more comfortable with certainty.

I'm reading BBT's book, "Holy Envy" and she says: "To walk in the way of sacred unknowing is to remember that our best ways of thinking and speaking about God are provisional. They are always in process - reflecting our limited perspectives, responding to our particular lives...

and times, relating us to our ancestors in the faith even as they flow out toward the God who remains FREE TO ACT in ways that confound us." In other words, my ability to fully understand the Most High God is quite limited. His ways are not my ways.

In many ways this has left me hanging out in the wilderness, in a liminal space. It is uncomfortable. I feel no sense of belonging except among fellow journeyers who are also wrestling with long held assumptions. A mentor of mine, Alan Wolfelt, assures me this is a holy space.

All I know is that I am now more certain of the vast greatness of God, more certain of the love of Christ, and more aware of the Spirit than I was before. I hang on to "For God so loved the world..." and "Love God and love your neighbor". "I don't know" is often on my lips.

The lack of certainty is certainly frightening. I see it in my clients when they begin to ask questions they would have never considered before. It hurts to have your worldview shaken. I think these hard questions are the ones we need to lean in to and not run away from.

Most of us don't question or pause to re-examine our assumptions and perspectives (maybe even our beliefs) until we face circumstances in life that force us to. I guess I just am rambling about to say this: Questions are good. Re-assessment is healthy. God is not shocked.

I have learned much from those I was taught to despise and from experiences I never wished to have. I thank God for enlarging my view not only of him, but of his Body, and of the world around me. I'm grateful for the wilderness, even though it challenges me to live here. End/