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Against my better judgment I listened to the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp conversation which was pretty triggering (I don't know why I pick at my emotional scabs like this) and it's wild how similar my conversations were back in 2017. What's really sad are my thoughts that followed...
...almost as a defense...a way to kick myself further. "Wow you could have at least chosen to have that toxicity with someone as hot as Amber Heard and enjoyed the sex more." Irony being, there's no way that you can be anything but dissociated around a person like Amber Heard...
...it breaks your idea of how you connect with human beings so deeply that laughing together, dancing, sex, it no longer "works". You can't really connect with anyone else after that for a while because the most sensitive part of you has been attacked. Doesn't matter how...
...confident you might feel. "I'm a millionaire!" "I went to an Ivy League!" "I work at a FAANG and make tons of money and build awesome things!" Doesn't matter when someone at home is just screaming at you and you are desperate for any way to mollify them. You're not having sex-
-you're grasping at straws trying to feel some sense of peace again. You're just giving the hostage taker some pizza so that they won't shoot somebody. In that world, doesn't matter if it's Amber Heard or the Pope, you're not in your body, your joy runs away to save itself.
https://thenib.com/this-is-not-fine/
This cartoon speaks to me so deeply. This could be about an abusive relationship. Or the current political situation. Or stressful work environment. Lifestyle choices that lead to isolation. Once you put out the fire, the real work begins. And it is hard.
This cartoon speaks to me so deeply. This could be about an abusive relationship. Or the current political situation. Or stressful work environment. Lifestyle choices that lead to isolation. Once you put out the fire, the real work begins. And it is hard.
After the fire is out, you don't trust yourself. I certainly didn't. Part of me still doesn't. I got into another relationship right after my abusive one partially because I loved that new person...and partially because I didn't trust myself. https://twitter.com/Jenlky/status/1343021365851373568
I spent most of the new relationship double checking everything my new boo did to make sure it was healthy. I'd run it past friends, family, therapist. I would run it through my head. I didn't trust that I hadn't made the same mistake again and I couldn't afford that. Not again.
My spiral moments are when I feel "it's all happening again" and it's incredibly hard in those moments to realize that even if IT is happening again, *I* am different. I will avoid BAD sitch at first sniff, and will leave when things get bad. https://twitter.com/Saurya/status/1345164100603547648
