CW: sex, kink, rape mention

Thanks to a certain Belle Delphine I’m seeing a lot of discourse about “rape kinks” on the timeline.

So uhhh let’s talk about this. Did you know that some studies have indicated up to 62% of women have had a rape fantasy?

Of course, having a fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean you want to act on it. Most of that 62% won’t ever engage in this kind of activity.

It’s just an arousing thing to think about.

In the fantasy, it’s basically just a hot person, who’s exactly your type, wants to do lots of sexy and mildly kinky things to you, they won’t take no for an answer, and you get to just lie back and take it.

The thing is, calling it a rape fantasy is very inaccurate. I get why based on that name you would think “that’s so wrong.”

But in reality, these fantasies aren’t about real violence. It’s about power and control.

I do agree that we should probably stop referring to it as that because it’s not rape. Rape is a violent act. We shouldn’t ever diminish that.

What these fantasies are, when they’re acted on, is power play or sometimes CNC (consensual non consent).

CNC means that you give prior consent to your partner(s) that they can engage in acts with you when you normally wouldn’t be able to consent i.e. starting when you’re asleep.

You should only explore this with someone you completely trust to know your boundaries and feelings.

Power play and control on the other hand are such a common thing to be aroused by that they’re one of the three largest groups of fantasies reported by Americans.

That can range from some light spanking to being tied up to full on extreme BDSM.

(I’d recommend watching the Sex Explained episode on Sexual Fantasies. It’s less than 20 minutes long and has some great info about all of this).

There are all kinds of reasons why someone might be into power play.

CW: rape threats, hate comments

But I’m seeing a lot of people outright saying “I hope those people get raped for real so they learn it’s not a fun fantasy” or “they should be thrown in jail because they’re clearly closet rapists.”

So let me be extremely clear right now:

IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO BE RAPED OR TO RAPE SOMEONE.

In reality, if you fantasise about this sort of thing - whether it’s a masked stranger having their way with you or being tied up and gagged or whatever - it’s likely to be about the giving up of control.

One theory for the reason it’s so common among women and other marginalised genders is our desire is often policed. Society tells us that if we ask for what we want, we’re slags and sluts and whores.

These fantasies are a way of exploring desire without having to take control of the situation. It’s a way of imagining everything you want being done to you... but it’s not your fault. It’s out of your hands.

It’s also actually very common among sexual assault survivors. No, you’re not broken if you experience this.

It’s your brain trying to protect you from trauma by letting you explore it in a secure setting - one with safe words that you can end at any time if you want to.

When you say that these fantasies are messed up... the people you’re hurting are usually women or nonbinary people, often survivors, who are just trying to claim ownership of their own sexuality.

At this point, someone usually likes to say “well what about the people who fantasise about doing that to someone??”

And sure, there’s a nuanced conversation to be had there.

If a man or anyone, is genuinely just getting off on the idea of causing real harm and violence to someone (cough, Armie Hammer, cough) then that is a cause for concern. That’s where it stops being a kink and steps over into abuse.

But the thing is... that’s not what most doms are actually doing.

A good dom, should be into it because you’re *willingly* giving them that much control. And get off on it because they know you’re getting off on it too.

The willing part of that is so key. Yeah, having all the control can be super sexy. But only if your partner(s) want you to have that control.

I really can’t stress that enough. They don’t actually want to rape someone. They want someone who WANTS to submit to them.

And of course there should be all kinds of discussions about boundaries, limits, dos and don’ts, safe words and especially - aftercare!

Aftercare is that bit afterwards where you step out of the sexual scenario and you make sure everyone is doing okay physically and mentally.

If your dom won’t listen to you setting boundaries, ignores your limits, doesn’t have a safe word or doesn’t give you aftercare.... then run cause that’s not a real dom and it’s not a healthy BDSM relationship.

But if everyone is happy with the scenario? Have fun!

I know some people are going to just ignore everything I’ve said and respond “look at these weirdos trying to justify their gross kinks” but... I want you to understand who you’re hurting when you say that.

You’re not punching up.

As for my opinion on Belle’s post?

I don’t have an issue with her engaging in this kink. I don’t even have an issue with her making porn about it - there’s certainly a market for it.

But she was shitty to post that porn on a platform like Twitter with zero content warnings.

There’s nothing wrong with being kinky and there’s nothing wrong with sex work.

There is something very wrong with posting photos that are staged to look like a kidnapping and forced sex without any kind of warning to a public platform.