Listening, *really* listening, is a rare superpower.

I was a bad listener most of my life.

Then I fixed that a few years ago.

Night & day difference in my leadership ability.

I learned that we can learn to listen well.

A thread on listening (and learning it from movies)

First, why is listening hard?

It’s because we have:
- the fear of being wrong
- an inability to be present
- a desire for validation
- a lack of curiosity
- the urge to impress
- a feeling of superiority

For an example of *bad* listening, let’s learn from this epic scene from the movie, The Darkest Hour.

The setup: World War II. There are disagreements among British leadership about whether they should pursue peace talks with Germany or an all out war.

Go on, watch the scene.

Really, watch the scene before proceeding to the next tweet.

So what can we learn from this scene about listening?

The superficial lesson is not to interrupt others.

But the deeper lesson is that most of us are like Churchill w.r.t. listening.

How so?

While we may not interrupt vocally, *we are interrupting others with our thoughts*

Think about it for a moment.

Our tendency to constantly have our thoughts swirling in our head when someone is speaking is not too different from us interrupting them.

They don’t know it, but we certainly do. And isn’t that what matters more?

For an example of good listening, let’s learn from this scene from the movie Wonder Woman.

The setup: Diana (who will go on to become Wonder Woman) has been protected by her mother, Hippolyta. Hippolyta’s sister secretly trains Diana on the art of combat, to Hippolyta’s chagrin.

Again, watch the scene before moving on.

Did you notice the supreme listening skills that Hippolyta demonstrated there?

Hippolyta started off upset at the disrespect shown by her own sister (Antiope) & her daughter. But, she pays attention to what Antiope has to say. She sincerely considers Antiope’s arguments, reflects for a moment, and gives Antiope the mandate to continue training Diana.

What’s more, once Hippolyta is convinced on a point of view that was opposed to hers, she clarifies her own revised vision for how hard Diana should be trained. She commits and clearly lets her commitment known.

What a leader!

So where do we go from here?

I’ll leave you with what’s worked for me in my journey to becoming a better listener.

To be a better listener:

1) practice being present

2) establish a listening pattern for important conversations. do this repeatedly and it will become a reflex

How can we be more present?
For me, meditation was key.

But what if meditation doesn’t work for you yet?
Here’s an insight: great listening is all about observation.

So no problem if meditation doesn’t work.
Train yourself to observe the details of things.

Particularly observe things in nature.

For instance, I like observing the fine details of this gazanea flower in my backyard.

Everything in nature is stunningly intricate & beautiful, when we *really* observe.

Take a flower, a leaf, the bark of a tree, a crawling ant.
And just intensely observe it.

5 seconds? Great.

10 seconds? Even better.

Do this often enough and you will be able to immerse yourself for several minutes in observation of the most seemingly simple thing in nature, like the petal of a flower.

And guess what. By doing that, you’ve also trained yourself to pay more attention to what someone is saying.

Next, establish a good listening pattern.

There isn’t just one right pattern, but I’ll share mine so you have something concrete to work from.

Here’s my step-by-step listening pattern:

1) tell yourself that you are open minded (at the beginning of the conversation)

2) try to pay intense attention to the space between the words that are uttered

3) don’t try to interpret anything beyond what is said (when you listen carefully, the interpretation just happens without effort)

4) once they are done talking, take a few seconds or minutes to collect your thoughts (I usually just ask “may I take a minute to reflect on what you’ve said?”)

5) get comfortable with the silence that ensues

6) start your response by summarizing what you heard

7) focus on the most salient point you want to make

8) when you’re done, ask “what do you think?” or “tell me if I am wrong” or similar

So once again:

To be a better listener
1) practice being present
2) establish a listening pattern

As with many things in life that truly matter, this is simple, but not easy.

Once you develop the skill of listening well, here’s the main thing I hope you’ll notice:

Everything is easier.

Arguments are easier to resolve.

Decisions, easier to make.

Relationships, easier to build.

People, easier to influence.

…

It’s time for me to take your leave.

I hope this thread is helpful in your journey as a listener.

Please share any and all feedback.

I’ll be listening.

Back to the top of this thread: https://twitter.com/shreyas/status/1350734022868045825

So I messed up when uploading the videos for this thread


Sorry if the threading was messed up as well.

Here are the correct videos, from The Darkest Hour & Wonder Woman

Example of bad listening from The Darkest Hour. https://twitter.com/shreyas/status/1350914682731720705

Example of good listening from Wonder Woman. https://twitter.com/shreyas/status/1350914795818500137