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Listening, *really* listening, is a rare superpower.
I was a bad listener most of my life.
Then I fixed that a few years ago.
Night & day difference in my leadership ability.
I learned that we can learn to listen well.
A thread on listening (and learning it from movies
)
I was a bad listener most of my life.
Then I fixed that a few years ago.
Night & day difference in my leadership ability.
I learned that we can learn to listen well.
A thread on listening (and learning it from movies
)
First, why is listening hard?
Itâs because we have:
- the fear of being wrong
- an inability to be present
- a desire for validation
- a lack of curiosity
- the urge to impress
- a feeling of superiority
Itâs because we have:
- the fear of being wrong
- an inability to be present
- a desire for validation
- a lack of curiosity
- the urge to impress
- a feeling of superiority
For an example of *bad* listening, letâs learn from this epic scene from the movie, The Darkest Hour.
The setup: World War II. There are disagreements among British leadership about whether they should pursue peace talks with Germany or an all out war.
Go on, watch the scene.
The setup: World War II. There are disagreements among British leadership about whether they should pursue peace talks with Germany or an all out war.
Go on, watch the scene.
Really, watch the scene before proceeding to the next tweet.
So what can we learn from this scene about listening?
The superficial lesson is not to interrupt others.
But the deeper lesson is that most of us are like Churchill w.r.t. listening.
How so?
While we may not interrupt vocally, *we are interrupting others with our thoughts*
The superficial lesson is not to interrupt others.
But the deeper lesson is that most of us are like Churchill w.r.t. listening.
How so?
While we may not interrupt vocally, *we are interrupting others with our thoughts*
Think about it for a moment.
Our tendency to constantly have our thoughts swirling in our head when someone is speaking is not too different from us interrupting them.
They donât know it, but we certainly do. And isnât that what matters more?
Our tendency to constantly have our thoughts swirling in our head when someone is speaking is not too different from us interrupting them.
They donât know it, but we certainly do. And isnât that what matters more?
For an example of good listening, letâs learn from this scene from the movie Wonder Woman.
The setup: Diana (who will go on to become Wonder Woman) has been protected by her mother, Hippolyta. Hippolytaâs sister secretly trains Diana on the art of combat, to Hippolytaâs chagrin.
The setup: Diana (who will go on to become Wonder Woman) has been protected by her mother, Hippolyta. Hippolytaâs sister secretly trains Diana on the art of combat, to Hippolytaâs chagrin.
Again, watch the scene before moving on.
Did you notice the supreme listening skills that Hippolyta demonstrated there?
Hippolyta started off upset at the disrespect shown by her own sister (Antiope) & her daughter. But, she pays attention to what Antiope has to say. She sincerely considers Antiopeâs arguments, reflects for a moment, and gives Antiope the mandate to continue training Diana.
Whatâs more, once Hippolyta is convinced on a point of view that was opposed to hers, she clarifies her own revised vision for how hard Diana should be trained. She commits and clearly lets her commitment known.
What a leader!
What a leader!
So where do we go from here?
Iâll leave you with whatâs worked for me in my journey to becoming a better listener.
Iâll leave you with whatâs worked for me in my journey to becoming a better listener.
To be a better listener:
1) practice being present
2) establish a listening pattern for important conversations. do this repeatedly and it will become a reflex
1) practice being present
2) establish a listening pattern for important conversations. do this repeatedly and it will become a reflex
How can we be more present?
For me, meditation was key.
But what if meditation doesnât work for you yet?
Hereâs an insight: great listening is all about observation.
So no problem if meditation doesnât work.
Train yourself to observe the details of things.
For me, meditation was key.
But what if meditation doesnât work for you yet?
Hereâs an insight: great listening is all about observation.
So no problem if meditation doesnât work.
Train yourself to observe the details of things.
Particularly observe things in nature.
For instance, I like observing the fine details of this gazanea flower in my backyard.
Everything in nature is stunningly intricate & beautiful, when we *really* observe.
For instance, I like observing the fine details of this gazanea flower in my backyard.
Everything in nature is stunningly intricate & beautiful, when we *really* observe.
Take a flower, a leaf, the bark of a tree, a crawling ant.
And just intensely observe it.
5 seconds? Great.
10 seconds? Even better.
And just intensely observe it.
5 seconds? Great.
10 seconds? Even better.
Do this often enough and you will be able to immerse yourself for several minutes in observation of the most seemingly simple thing in nature, like the petal of a flower.
And guess what. By doing that, youâve also trained yourself to pay more attention to what someone is saying.
And guess what. By doing that, youâve also trained yourself to pay more attention to what someone is saying.
Next, establish a good listening pattern.
There isnât just one right pattern, but Iâll share mine so you have something concrete to work from.
There isnât just one right pattern, but Iâll share mine so you have something concrete to work from.
Hereâs my step-by-step listening pattern:
1) tell yourself that you are open minded (at the beginning of the conversation)
2) try to pay intense attention to the space between the words that are uttered
1) tell yourself that you are open minded (at the beginning of the conversation)
2) try to pay intense attention to the space between the words that are uttered
3) donât try to interpret anything beyond what is said (when you listen carefully, the interpretation just happens without effort)
4) once they are done talking, take a few seconds or minutes to collect your thoughts (I usually just ask âmay I take a minute to reflect on what youâve said?â)
5) get comfortable with the silence that ensues
6) start your response by summarizing what you heard
5) get comfortable with the silence that ensues
6) start your response by summarizing what you heard
7) focus on the most salient point you want to make
8) when youâre done, ask âwhat do you think?â or âtell me if I am wrongâ or similar
8) when youâre done, ask âwhat do you think?â or âtell me if I am wrongâ or similar
So once again:
To be a better listener
1) practice being present
2) establish a listening pattern
As with many things in life that truly matter, this is simple, but not easy.
To be a better listener
1) practice being present
2) establish a listening pattern
As with many things in life that truly matter, this is simple, but not easy.
Once you develop the skill of listening well, hereâs the main thing I hope youâll notice:
Everything is easier.
Arguments are easier to resolve.
Decisions, easier to make.
Relationships, easier to build.
People, easier to influence.
âŚ
Everything is easier.
Arguments are easier to resolve.
Decisions, easier to make.
Relationships, easier to build.
People, easier to influence.
âŚ
Itâs time for me to take your leave.
I hope this thread is helpful in your journey as a listener.
Please share any and all feedback.
Iâll be listening.
I hope this thread is helpful in your journey as a listener.
Please share any and all feedback.
Iâll be listening.
Back to the top of this thread: https://twitter.com/shreyas/status/1350734022868045825
So I messed up when uploading the videos for this thread
Sorry if the threading was messed up as well.
Here are the correct videos, from The Darkest Hour & Wonder Woman
Sorry if the threading was messed up as well.
Here are the correct videos, from The Darkest Hour & Wonder Woman
Example of bad listening from The Darkest Hour. https://twitter.com/shreyas/status/1350914682731720705
Example of good listening from Wonder Woman. https://twitter.com/shreyas/status/1350914795818500137
