Remember I said I fucked up & tone policed the reaction of a friend who was abused and harassed by a man?
This is the friend. I asked her to drop it, that she was overreacting, that the dude was actually a nice guy and he made a mistake - makes me feel ill when I think about it. https://twitter.com/MissaMHx/status/1350706482875133954
This is the friend. I asked her to drop it, that she was overreacting, that the dude was actually a nice guy and he made a mistake - makes me feel ill when I think about it. https://twitter.com/MissaMHx/status/1350706482875133954
I defended him, lost a friend & tried to guilt trip a woman into taking into consideration the feelings of her abuser, instead of supporting her and letting her decide how to deal with what was a horrific and very personal thing to through. You'll never guess what happened next.
The same dude who abused her, the one who I said was a really nice guy and had just made a mistake, turned on me when he asked me to do something for him which I refused. Proper watershed moment, friends. So I licked my wounds and contacted Mel with my tail between my legs to
tell her what'd happened and to say how sorry I was for my behaviour (we were quite good friends when I betrayed her) and most important of all to let her know that I understood completely why she felt the way she did and why it was not my place to tell her how to deal with what
he did to her. I was very fortunate that Mel accepted my apology and we managed to re-build the bridge that I set on fire and then bulldozed for good measure. I did buy her a lot of expensive cheese as a bribe which I believe helped. When all of this happened and Mel stopped
being my friend, I remember thinking she was cruel and that our friendship never mattered given she was able to walk away over a "disagreement". I was naive and selfish to think that I could do what I did and still keep her as a friend. I obvs don't want to speak for her but I
don't believe it was ever about her not valuing our friendship, it was about her valuing her integrity and asserting her right not be threatened and made to feel unsafe - it was about being able to defend herself without having to prioritise the feelings of her abuser.
Another really important thing which stood out for me was the number of people defending her abuser - the most common comment was "I've met him, he's a nice guy, I can't imagine he would do the things you claimed he did." This is where I tell you another really fucking
embarrassing thing that I did. I read the emails which he sent to her, I read every ghastly thing he said and the threats that he'd made and then I said "But Mel he's a really nice guy, he's always been so nice to me, and I am sure this was a mistake." I'm so ashamed.
I said this, to my friend, a good friend, someone who had been lovely to me the whole time we'd been friends. I know she's forgiven me but I can't think about this without feeling my stomach contract with nausea. It was a horrible thing to do. I can't undo it.
Of course this experience taught me a fair bit but a few things stand out and I'll share them, obs you don't have to read them or anything I tweet. It may not be go any value to you. But here goes anyway: