Apples ‘Featured Photos’ really can take you back. The first one is in mine today. The second, taken a few hours later. The first one was taken about 5:30am in Central Park and was going to be the last photo I took because I’d gone into the park to end my life.

This was the last time I had serious thoughts of self harm/suicide. I’d travelled to America, to New York specifically as it was my ‘happy place’. A city I shared a real affinity for and I’d had a mad idea that if I was finally going to do it, it would be on my terms.

Despite months of therapy, I’d was still self destructive. Despite things seemingly being on the up at home with my MH, I still had extreme bouts of self harm and self loathing. I didnt want to be here. Bearing in mind this image captures uk time, I paced the park for hours.

I was a total mess, obviously, as I walked around. Just kept taking photos of how moody it was. Trying to find ‘the place’. I’d taken myself somewhere so distant from friends that I purposely could reach out to friends.

Anyway. The point of all this. Seeing that photo in my photos of the day; two years tomorrow in the past, has really made me think how quickly life CAN change. Many of you followed my old account which got shit canned for calling Tommy Robinson a cunt. But on that account...

I gave the impression I’d ‘recovered’ already. I’d travelled across the states doing Route66, new house, new car, new job; but it was all distractions. Internally I still suffered with the same low confidence. The same crippling anxiety and overall malaise that meant I some days

Couldn’t lift my head out of bed. And yeah that had gone on for quite a considerable time.
The walk round the park made me talk to myself, both internally and actually talking to myself; surely a sight for the solitary person I saw.

I can’t remember what pulled me away from my decision. After all, I wasn’t really thinking straight.
But when it got to a reasonable time I went for a cup of coffee and FaceTimed the girl I’d recently started dating. She had no idea, obviously, but I feel like that was..

A kickstart to the life I have now.
While I still have moments where I simply can’t get myself up; or i stare blankly at a screen at work; see no value in time spent chatting to friends; I hark back to that walk. So much purpose. I left my room at 3:20am and

Didnt intend on returning. But I did. And the second picture that I started the thread with is me going back out after a good feed and a few drinks. Looking proud as fuck, the king of New York, because I think I knew at that point I’d started the process of really turning around

I called my friend that afternoon and told her all about it. She was the only person who had any inclination as to why I’d flown to NY. Drunken tearful ramblings one night prior to my flight. She answered the call before it has even rung once as I recall.

Sitting here now, woken up by a dog, the latest edition to the family of me, the other half, two kids, a cat and some sea monkeys, it’s mental how much has changed in such a short space of time. I hope that others who are struggling can get through it. There’s no magic pill.

The story of the Geordie guy who recently took his own life and the guy from the North West who was really struggling with money, hit me hard. I’ve spent hours over this last few weeks wishing I could have chatted with them. Wishing that every story had its turn around.

The stats on MH and suicides at the moment are used for a few fanciful retweets and E-likes. Half of them aren’t true either. But I accept that MH issues are on the rise. I openly talk about it with my staff at work and it’s amazing how many are having their battles.

Anyway. All that from one picture coming up in my memories eh. Mental. Here’s a couple more. It was bastard cold. Might go back again. once ‘merica stops being a lunatic asylum. Look after yourself eh people?