Thread by @GhostEsq, aight kids it is time for my "live tweet" (I had to [...]

aight kids it is time for my "live tweet" (I had to craft and screenshot some of these in advance) of this book

As a heads up there is no sex, actual antifa, or quality in this book, it is just pretty bad but I promised I'd do it

we start off with Alexandr(i)a, (there's different spellings) who's allegedly a congresswoman but I kinda like the idea that she's just Alexandria, VA looking on in confusion

She starts off in some kind of fire, and the only thing that she's "concerned about was him. Chris."
Unclear which Hollywood Chris will be playing the character in the movie version

Immediate flashback from a crisis situation to two months ago always a good start with books doesn't annoy me at all

Okay so this is the Big Issue Facing America, the rising divorce rate
What kinda shit you tryna pull, Alexandria

Oh, apparently this kinda shit

A congresswoman getting a bill passed that men can divorce women only if they pay her one million dollars
Do gay men pay each other a million
Will there be Go Fund Me's for "Get Gary Away from His Bitch Wife for GOOD!!!"

she allegedly has political and personal reasons for supporting this bill but I feel like we will never learn them
Ghost, focus, you're only 4% into this book

Anyway she's now out in the public answering press and regular people questions with some dudes who are supposed to be antifa I guess with these signs
Excellent work boys

Oh, okay, something happened to her sister and that's why she helped with No Broke Ladies law
Will we get details? Who's to say

Uh oh the crowd is getting ROWDIER but our mysterious antifa man has yet to appear

OH WAIT
HERE HE IS
THE TITULAR ANTIFA LOVER
WITH THOSE EYES
asking, as we all want to know, "would you pass this bill if you ever a man"

Alexandria, in the time-honored tradition of fucking never, is a congresswoman who doesn't have an answer to Smirking Eyes Man
And he disappears into the crowd

oh look out, the SPICE FACTOR has just INCREASED from ONE CHILI FLAKE to TWO

Alexandria Dark'ness Dementia whose last name just has to be Steele based on this description, is either a Congresswoman or Kristen Stewart circa 2008

Alexandria Steele who's again, a Congresswoman, has the day off, which, okay, sure

Oh sorry we are three days after the rally/riot/her just doing her actual job, and she still can't get Eyes Man out of her head

On this, her day off, she is going to her favorite secret spot where she will see Edward Cullen sparkle for the first time

It is a forest behind her childhood school, no I don't know if this matters

She's walking for half an hour to get to a lake and maybe she's Katniss idk I'm gonna rotate my references to YA series (which I love no hate there)
But ten bucks says Eyes is there eventually

HE'S HERE
AND HE'S REAL
HE'S REALLY REAL

We're effectively getting a second meet-cute
And some fun schedule information for Eyes

Oh my God why didn't I call it a "meet-loot"
I missed my fucking chance, dammit

We're about to get his name
Are you ready?
You're not ready
Are
You
Ready
For CORNER SMITH

I can't handle this fucking name
That like, some white family has definitely named their kid because "we met on the corner of Why and Kill Me"

He says she looked great in stage, she gives him shit for it and tbh fair, he walks away with a "I won't bother you again" into the forest of childhood dreams or some shit

She feels bad for yelling at him, guys

Bitch that is an improper fraction are you 1 foot 3 inches tall

$Bitch that is an improper fraction are you 1 foot 3 inches tall$

And Down on the Corner, Out Here in the Smith just invented therapy

Okay now that's a scene that happened she now let's us know it has been ten days since the "fallen angel" came into her life

Oh okay the bill is headed to the Senate
Look at this shit, book getting civics right

I spoke too soon, "head of the congress house" okay what
I'm assuming Benedict Wilbur is Mitch McConnell but who knows who cares

Benedict Wilbur as a name is cracking me up
It's like the author tried to pick an old asshole white dude name but made it British accidentally
American Congress villains are all named shit like Billy "Scratch" Truvale

I need you all to like all these tweets later because I live off of validation from internet

She breezes through a description of "I am a busy Congresswoman, congressing all day, I have no friends and my family is far away"

She only mentions her mom and brother so did her sister die of divorce or something??? Extremely unclear the editor messed up here
While obviously being exemplary in every other spot

She got Chinese food by herself and settled in with a book by herself
Ma'am I am married and still do this, your life is great

"my life is so hard running the nation"
I'm calling Congress a "fake email job" from now on

She's reading her book and hears noise and a crowd coming closer
Uh oh
It's the RIOT (of the heart)

The RIOT (of the heart) is AT HER HOUSE
which has security and is fine but she sees BANNERS and STICKS and some men HAVING GUNS IN THEIR HANDS and has decided THIS IS THE END

So what does she decide to do?
Just wait

She

CALLS CORNER SMITH

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT
AND YOUR NAME IS STUPID

Instead of running away from the mob or calling her security she makes this phone call near an open window
We have hit "Too Stupid to Live" as a trope

Everybody
Throw up your hands
Say "I don't want an antifa lover"
"I don't want an antifa lover"

This girl just sits here while her house burns or some shit idek
But if you were thinking "how's she get out"
Well she called Corner Store so you know he's on his way

Maybe the real bill was the friends we made along the way

Love when a character loses consciousness into the next chapter

She made it to the hospital where her doctors are Charlie and Susan and apparently border collies

Uh
Security

YOU SHOULD GET YOUR THINGS READY FOR *JAIL*

That deep tone that reached my soul
That one
You know
The soul-reaching tone

So that's settled she believes him that he saved her yay what a nothing

She is ready to leave the hospital with her Spongebob Band-Aids or whatever they gave her but oh no she can't go home and she doesn't want to go to a hotel

IS CORNER STORE GONNA OFFER HER A PLACE TO STAY
HE IS
HE IS

We reached the "let me care for you while you're injured/sick" trope, one of my favorites

She crashes in his bed and wakes up and wears his clothes which okay
There's no Gritty t-shirt
This guy sucks at being antifa

He's making her food and telling her to relax and she's like what would I do without you
Idk, get some shit from your house and let your staff/security take care of it
Like a person
Sorry I'm ruining the trope

She watches a documentary about squirrels
He teases her about it
Some other shit happens idk who cares

Oh GROSS
GET ANOTHER TOOTHBRUSH
ugh I would break up with you so hard lady you're a Congresswoman ask for another toothbrush

He told the protestors she was actually against the law! That's how he saved her! With his punk cred!

They do this shit again for another day
She has her big Congress presentation the day after

She goes back on her support of the bill and gets threatened by a Senator Lockwood
She's looking for Corner after and is like sneaking around the Capitol or some shit idk guys

If you're mad at me for not being clear about the plot fuck off

She sneaks up to Benedict CumberWilbur's office and hears voices
I bet you can guess

OH YEAH
HUSKY EYES SOUL TONE SMITH IS IN WILBUR'S OFFICE

Omg if this was an Oval Office joke
"Corner??? In the OVAL OFFICE"

He offers to take her to lunch and does so and manages to get her to forget about the thing in Wilbur's office because their favorite season is autumn I'm not joking oh my God this is painful

Why did I say I'd do this
Like I hate myself but THIS MUCH???

She gets a text

I love that a senator texts like a sixth grader

He tries to kiss her and leans in but she doesn't and the CRINGE AHHHHH

She goes to Bene-Mitch Wilburforce's office at 6 PM and guys
Guys get ready

HIS *SON*

GUYS I WASN'T READY THIS WAS A LEGIT OKAY PLOT TWIST

BAHAHAHA Mr Wilburface we are in agreement how the fuck did he pick that name

God imagine I agreed with Mitch McConnell about someone naming their baby McKinstry
That's how this feels

And homeboy brought receipts, birth certificate and family photos

She goes outside crying and sees Everybody Hates Corner and says good bye
Six days pass...

He comes to her house and keeps calling and dude you look desperate that is not antifa
Seven more days passed...

The ellipses are in there I stg

She gets a call from her assistant about a Very Sketchy Sounding Meeting

I am howling
Yes, the congress house hall, as non-robots usually call it

She gets there and walks to the meeting room and someone sneaks up behind her IT'S A TRAP
she gets away from the first dude by biting his hand but there's more dudes and she loses consciousness AGAIN

are there concussion protocols for House Reps or

She wakes up to the smell of smoke
She's trapped in the meeting room with a locked door and no windows
Her security team is NOT getting a holiday bonus this year

calm the fuck down Emily Dickinson

She loves Chris despite his anti-father

Look at my good pun

Oh and as she drifts off yet again I spot a POV SHIFT OH SHIT WE GET DOWN ON THE CORNER'S VIEW

"I didn't hate my fucking life more than I did right now" is his opening salvo and hashtag relatable Corner Store

He's of course driving by this burning building breaks in and grabs her or whatever

Okay thirsty
Probably literally because of fire

She wakes up before the ambulance gets there once again proving all you need is Corner Love to be okay

And then passed out again because the chapter has to begin with her waking up idk guys

Christopher Cornerstone is there for her when she wakes up obviously, and she's worried that she never got to tell him she loves him after what is, liberally, about 72 hours of contact

They're both sorry to each other a lot for various reasons

This dude has knives for eyes I guess

TIME HAS PASSED
we are in November which is prime antifa time obvs but Chris has put childish things aside or something

SHOCKER Bene-Mitch Wilberdad was behind the plot to get her and threatened her secretary at gunpoint!!! to give her the bad info about the murdermeeting

Oh GOD IMAGINE
imagine if you got in trouble you lost your seat in Congress