A Conversation about Success and Privilege

I wrote this blog post years ago, and I was thinking about it again today. https://joesondow.wordpress.com/2015/11/06/a-conversation-about-success-and-privilege/

Some people prefer twitter threads over clicking blog links, so I'll thread the story below here: 1

One time at a technology conference, a bunch of us software engineers had dinner at a restaurant. Above the din of reverberating chatter, a programmer sitting nearby asked me to tell him a little about my background. 2

He wanted to know how I’d gotten where I was, how I’d accomplished things that other programmers consider impressive. We’ll call him Andrew, because that’s not his name, but it’s a common programmer name. 3

Andrew was referring to the facts that I had become proficient in full stack web programming from SQL through Java to HTML/CSS/JavaScript, that I worked at Netflix, that I’d helped create and open-source a high-profile piece of Netflix software… 4

…that I spoke with confidence on stage at tech conferences and on tech podcasts, and that I alternated between making software and managing teams. 5

I told Andrew the absolute truth. I’ve been extremely lucky. I was born male, cisgender, white, straight, able-bodied, in an urban center of the United States. My mother is a scientist and artist, and my father is a mathematician. 6

We were never poor during my self-aware years. I went to an excellent high school where I learned how to think, write, draw, have intelligent conversations, flirt, perform on stage, lead groups, and organize events. 7

College wasn’t quite as developmentally useful to me as high school was, but I did have the rare privileges of going to an exceptionally good college, and coming out the other end debt free. 8

I don’t think I said all of that to the inquiring programmer, whom we’re calling Andrew. It was noisy, and I didn’t actually want to tell him my whole life story. 9

I just told him it was mostly luck, and mostly because I was born white and male, which is about the luckiest thing that can happen to a person at this point in history. Andrew didn’t like this answer. 10

“But surely there are things that you did that impacted where you ended up,” Andrew insisted. “It can’t be entirely just because of your race and gender, or we’d all be in that same situation.”

“It’s 99% luck,” I replied. 11

“I had opportunities at every point in my life that most people will never get. You know Warren Buffett? One of the richest people in the world? Someone asked him a similar question, and he said pretty much the same thing… 12

…Buffett was born in the United States as a white man, and that was the single biggest factor in his success compared with most other humans. The rest is relatively minor details.” 13

I thought we were having a bit of intellectual fun, patting ourselves on the back for our progressive wisdom, our well-deserved humility in the face of an unjust world and an industry that fails at all tests of diversity. I didn’t realize where Andrew stood politically. 14

He thought I was attacking him as a white man, or belittling his accomplishments. Maybe he thought I was saying that he should have accomplished even more than he had, because all white men are so privileged that they should all be able to become Warren Buffett. 15

I wasn’t saying any of those things. I was just answering his question about me, but it was not at all the answer he was looking for. He wanted five minutes of mentorship. A possible recipe for greater success than he had already achieved. 16

Apparently I was the one who turned the conversation political. He didn’t realize he was asking an inherently political question. 17

Our pleasant conversation became an argument, and I wished I could move to a spot further away at the table, or just leave the topic behind. I wasn’t trying to convince him of anything. I was just telling the truth about myself. 18

Other nearby programmers became quiet, waiting for our argument either to escalate or fizzle so we could resolve it and get on with our enjoyable group dinner. 19

He couldn’t shake the notion that I was overemphasizing the role of my privilege in my success, and I was realizing how locked into his worldview he was. 20

This was all a few years ago, so I’m filling in the details from memory as best I can. I think I relented and told him a few things I try to do to be a good programmer. Communicate with everyone you can. Be nice. Be friendly. Write helpful emails. Listen to tech podcasts. 21

Make your money-making career activity the same thing you enjoy as your hobby outside of work, so you keep getting better at programming while convincing yourself that it’s fun and that you don’t need to be doing other things in order to be happy. (Iffy advice; I was young.) 22

Go to small, intimate tech conferences, & make friends with other programmers. Be humble, but learn confidence by really knowing your shit. Basic human decency stuff that most people who took the trouble to go to this conference were already doing, or they wouldn’t be there. 23

I got the impression that he was deeply insecure about himself, and that he was entrenched in the right-wing attitude that personal responsibility is the main thing that impacts your life. 24

That’s a fine motivational idea, and I agree that it’s a good idea to do whatever is within your power to improve your own life. However, that doesn’t mean that your list of available options is something you can choose for yourself. 25

I just happened to have a really good list of available options, as well as the training to be able to choose good items from that list at many stages of my life, giving me new, even better lists of options as I aged. 26

Whenever possible, I’ve tried to choose the option of being fearless, because I’ve been given the privilege of not having to live in fear for most of my life. 27

Most of society respects me because of factors I had no part in choosing for myself, so it’s relatively easy to be fearless. 28

Yet, here was Andrew, another seemingly male, straight, cis, white, able-bodied programmer, who felt that I had accomplished more than he had, and he wanted my secret. 29

I think the biggest difference between us was that I wasn’t raised on fear, and I wasn’t raised to cling to the idea that I deserve all the credit for my station in life. Most of my blessings were given to me by other people, and I’ve done my best with them. 30

I often think about that conversation with Andrew. I feel bad for him, even though I have no desire to know him further. He wasn’t the most enjoyable chap to be around. 31

After thinking more about our disagreement and about his honest question and my honest answer, what I would really like to say to Andrew, and to all the people who think like Andrew, is that part of the path to success is to let go of your fear of failure. 32

Let go of your fear of acknowledging your privilege. Let go of your guilt about being privileged. Start giving credit where credit is due. Be honest. People will like you better if you can be honest with yourself and with others. 33

Then they’ll want to work with you and give you great projects to work on, and they’ll want you in the room with them. We’re all in this together. Stop being such a douchebag. 34