What I learnt on the Twitter this week:

1. Doug Ford declares State of Emergency. Says he doesn't understand what people don't understand about the rules. Either stay home or go to Walmart to buy essential cream cheese.
2. Ford announces his French lessons are going tray bueno.

3. Kenney announces Alberta will begin procuring their own vaccine because they only have most of the Fed's supply left now.
4. O'Toole announces he just doesn't know how to quit Ezra.
5. Freak storm in Morden, MB; MAGA hat kicked up in the wind; lands on Candace Bergen's head.

6. Canadian Conservative politicians and staffers mourn the loss of Parler which they have never heard of.
7. Kenney signs giant cardboard guarantee saying coal will be mined from Rockies without loss of a single acre of protected land unless it's accidentally delisted and sold.

8. Ford defenestrates MPP Baber from caucus after Baber complains about lockdown. Ford says he's already busy enough locking down Phillips and Oosterhoff.
9. Ontario's Minister of LTCs adheres to lockdown rules and takes three-week vacation under her bed.
10. Où est la Fullerton?

11. Just when you thought Andrew Scheer couldn't defenestrate his reputation any further, Andrew Scheer fully defenestrates himself. Like, maaaddd defenestration going on here.
12. Moments before Parler shuts down, thousands of Canadians post "What does defenderthestation mean?"

13. Rempel wins 'Hardest Working MP' award. Delivers acceptance speech from cab of truck in parking lot of Oklahoma Walgreens.
14. CPC Senator Frum outraged CBC opened broadcast coverage with news of Capitol riots. Says Canadians deserve more news about new Corner Gas reboot.

15. Conservatives say, "Sure, we supported and cheered a really horrific five years of Trumpism, but, it's been like half a day since we apologised. Why can't the radical left just forgive and forget?!"
16. And the Regional Manager of ANTIFA laughed and laughed and laughed.

17. Kenney defenestrates Lesser Slave Lake MLA after it's discovered Rehn never did any work on behalf of his constituents. UCP has yet to announce date for the official state funeral for Irony.
18. Kenney shows graph during presser. Tremendous graph. The perfect graph really.

19. Ford's MZO allows Toronto heritage building to be demolished on first day of State of Emergency. Says it's absolutely essential more tiny overpriced condos are built in Toronto to help provide shelter for Vaughan Working Families.
20. Avez-vous vu Merrilee Fullerton?

21. Ontario's Chief Medical Officer David Williams says he just can't understand what all the horrible and irresponsible Ontarians didn't understand about Doug waiting to lockdown until after Boxing Day so Doug could spend some quality Christmas time with the fam.

22. Associate Medical Officer Yaffe says Covid curve will not be flattened without ensuring paid sick leave for everyone in Ontario. Doug says he's doing everything possible to flatten the curve. Except paid sick days. That's it. That's the funny part.
23. Avez-vous vu Merrilee?

24. Conservative politicians and Senators call for more civilized and dignified kind of discourse in the political arena. Denise Batters agrees by adding "Yeah, and we f*cking mean YOU, Trudope!!"
25. CPC says they only meant they are "Taking Canada Back" from the St Louis Blues.

26. Ontario ICUs predicted to be at capacity by February. Doug Ford neglects to announce this potential catastrophe during his cross-province campaigning this past summer.

27. Canada. Please rester le f*ck à la maison. K? Maresee bowkooh.