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Thinking tonight about how much I’ve learned from growing so much closer to the transfeminine people in my life this last year in particular; how much it’s enriched my life but also shown me how little I knew of how precarious and dangerous relationships with cis people can be.
I think for a long time I tacitly assumed that my relationships with the trans women I was close to were functionally the same as with other cis women, and that thinking about them in any larger dimension or relational framework was doing them a disservice.
What I’ve come to realize is that as much as the dynamics of friendship, attraction and trust exist as they do in my cis relationships, there will always be an added degree of responsibility I have to know how many reasons trans women have to not trust cis women in particular.
Transmisogyny is so prevalent and so insidious and deployed so cruelly and indiscriminately to dehumanize and vilify trans women, and the most common vector for weaponizing it is the discomfort or offense or distaste of cis women. We can ruin trans women’s lives with a word.
I’ve had to really sit and think about how that heavy presence hovers over all of my relationships, even if I’ve (hopefully) never done anything to make the trans women in my life fear that I would hurt them; the potential is still very real, and it scares me to even think about.
It’s been really moving to me to realize that all these wonderful, important brilliant women who mean so much to me have themselves never said a word to me about any of this, they’ve never made me feel aware of the power imbalance, which doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
So it’s really on me, and on any cis woman who has friendships and relationships with transfeminine people to move with love and care and openness and honesty at all times because the trans women in your life are putting themselves at risk by opening up to you. Honor that.
That means when they tell you their personal history, when they divulge their trauma, their fears, their desires, their dreams and fantasies, you’re being trusted with something so risky and precious and special and you need to recognize how lucky you are to be trusted.
So to the amazing women who’ve trusted me and shared and cried and stayed up with me through so many long, difficult and wonderful nights over this awful year, I just wanted to say I love you and see you and thank you for sharing yourselves with me, I know what’s at stake for you
