While I'm waiting for a video to upload, some thoughts that have been percolating. Disclaimer: writing about my personalise experience and not universalising. CW - fatphobia

I read a book this week that I liked with a fat character who was great. But why am I still a bit 'meh'?

The character was fun, charismatic, scene-stealing. I loved her. And there's a bit of me that thinks I'm being churlish for being dissatisfied but then there's a part of me that's sick of being thankful for 'ok representation' when it comes to fat characters. So what's my gripe?

First, I don't have to feel thankful that finally (!) a fat person who's a great character! Not the butt of all the jokes! because ... there are millions of us who are pretty fucking great.

Second, this character was described as fat almost every time they came on page.

In a book where descriptions of characters were very limited, this one character was described as fat almost every time they appeared.

Oh hey... just a quick reminder! They're FAT. So fat they don't fit in a chair! Fat but pretty. Fat but great. Fat but irresistible.

Did you forget they were fat? Let me remind you. FAT.
And however this character was (and they were), I didn't need the constant reminders.

As a fat person, I don't go around constantly thinking about my fatness. I don't approach every chair with apprehension.

I don't know where my butt is half the time. I'm always knocking stuff over in my kitchen because I don't know where my boobs are. They're just hanging there, in front of me, but weirdly, I'm not even thinking about them! IMAGINE!

I also *sincerely* hope that the internal monologue of all my friends is not 'look at them, sitting in their lovely cardigan which is shrouding their fat form', 'they're going to sit in a chair, I wonder if their fat ass will spill over the sides.

Now, you might still think I'm being nit-picky but let me tell you a few things about fat representation in case you haven't noticed them before.

Most fat women in movies get to be 'Fat but...' or '... despite being fat'.

The most egregious example - loved despite being fat

If you do get a fat protagonist in a romance movie, their fatness is almost ALWAYS an issue. (Exception 'Isn't it Romantic?')

And the hero can love them anyway! Wow. What a dreamboat!

For those in the back let me scream at the top of my lungs

FAT PEOPLE DON'T DREAM OF BEING RESCUED by the one true partner who can see past our thighs.

We're not an addition to your story to show how great you are for seeing past appearances.

Even in movies with great fat protagonists (Melissa McCarthy has a few) fatness is still a large part of their characterisation. It matters somehow. It's something you have to be performatively told doesn't matter.

So back to the book. A great character. But there was a lot of 'fat but...' in the background. A lot of performative demonstration that they were fat but that it didn't matter. Of course... the more you say it doesn't matter, the more you make clear that it does.

Because no-one was making a point of the bodily dimensions of everyone else. Honestly, we're not flattered when you say 'She's so pretty!' followed by *stage whisper* 'and she's fat!'

She's so pretty will do.

All these ladies? Beautiful. Just beautiful. Full stop.

And maybe I should be glad for small mercies. Maybe I should be glad we're not *just* the butt of jokes, objects of disgust, sad husks of human beings... but call me demanding I guess.

But I'll tell you why it matters. Being fat is the single worst thing about my life in terms of relation to other people. I've had friends suggest that maybe it's the systematised discrimination against women and queer people I should be more bothered about in my life...

but it's not. Not in MY life.

CW: Fatphobia
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Now that's not a universal. I've been hit with a rounders bat to see if my flesh wobbles like Homer Simpson. I've been bullied. I've been touched inappropriately while they laughed and called me lardbucket.

CW: Fatphobia
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I've had whole crowds of children gang up on me in school. I've had people tell me I physically disgust them. I haven't shown my legs in public for over 20 years. I've been told I make people want to vomit. I've told no-one could love me.

CW: Fatphobia
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I've had jobs withdraw interest when they saw my picture. I've been screamed at from cars. I've had 'fat cunt' shouted at me by a neighbour. I've had doctors tell me to 'just lose weight' when I had serious medical conditions later diagnosed.

CW: Fatphobia
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I have been told again and again and again and again that fatness is disgusting and unloveable and makes me worthy of an early death. And in movies... I see jokes. I see those playground bullies getting laughs from millions of people.

And when I read a book with a fat protagonist, I just want it once JUST ONCE to not fucking matter. I want their fatness to not matter at all. Because it doesn't. It doesn't matter in my life. It doesn't matter until other people come into the equation and are shitty human beings

Actually ... let's end with some positivity! Give me recs, people! What have you read with a fat protagonist that got it right?

Another addition but if they've told you any of the things above. That you're unloveable or less loveable. That you should be grateful () for scraps of love or representation or whatever. That it makes you a bad person. That you're not beautiful.

THEY ARE WRONG