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therapy this week was good, but tough. we talked about the resentment im currently feeling (with my whole life and existence basically lol). the only constant in life is change, and between the state of the world, getting older, the pandemic, a lot of those changes are permanent
we talked about how im struggling to "get back to who i was" before my depression got really bad, which is essentially me ignoring all the changes that have happened in the world and also within myself, especially as i creep towards 40 (which im not jazzed about)
but like, that's not possible. ill never be 31 again, ill never live in a pre-pandemic world again, ill never be able to stay up and party and bullshit til 4 in the morning and be fine the next day again. in trying to get back there, ive been resisting all these changes
"youre suffering, and that happens when we resist change," she said. i havent grieved most of these changes and grieving is important for healing, for accepting big changes. i decided to spend the rest of that day (thurs) and today in bed, wallowing & pouting as needed
and you know, this has been the saddest ive been in a while but also the calmest and quietest my brain has been in weeks. mourning means that youve accepted a loss & now i can stop spending energy pushing against it. ive not been sleeping well; hopefully i will tonight
(ive also been having really fucked up stress dreams about an ex and do not appreciate that at all. also i learned what a stress dream is today via @tnwhiskeywoman https://health.clevelandclinic.org/stress-dreams-why-do-we-have-them-and-how-to-stop/)
so i reckon this is just a reminder that death is not the only thing that needs and requires grief and mourning. things today are nearly unrecognizable in a lot of ways. please give yourself space to cry, to be sad, to tolerate the painful realization that we have lost a lot.
and if youre already doin a great job of being sad and mourning and are having a hard time with that, i dont have any advice but i do have some assurance that you are not alone, no matter how lonely your sadness may feel <3 as usual, be nice to you and gentle with yourself
