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// depersonalization , derealization , disassociation
what exactly is depersonalization and derealization?
an extremely long, personal, and informative thread by someone with dpdr:
what exactly is depersonalization and derealization?
an extremely long, personal, and informative thread by someone with dpdr:
now, this thread is going to be an explanation of the differences between depersonalization, derealization, what they are, what it feels like to experience them, and to be in a dissociative episode, as well as things that can be possibly harmful to people that do experience them.
i want to inform people who don’t usually/never have experienced any form of disassociation, and to try and convey what disassociation feels like, though it might be a little hard for me to explain, as it’s so hard to put into words what a dissociative episode feels like to me.
now before i start, this is almost entirely going to be based off the experiences i’ve had personally with dpdr and what i’ve learned from my therapists. like with any illness though, different people can experience symptoms differently, and not everyone’s experience is the same.
i was diagnosed with dpdr in mid 2019 by my therapist. dpdr, short for depersonalization-derealization disorder, is a dissociative disorder in which the individual affected has a persistent feeling of being mentally detached from either themselves, their surroundings, or both.
the exact cause of dpdr is unknown, though it’s hypothesized that both childhood abuse/ trauma as well as other undiagnosed mental illnesses likely play key roles. dpdr symptoms can also sometimes accompany different types of neurological disorders.
some other causes found include drugs, alcohol, and antidepressants, particularly when they’re overindulged in, although these are only temporary causes, and symptoms wear off after the individual comes down off their “high” and likely won’t experience symptoms afterwards.
people tend to confuse depersonalization and derealization since they can be so similar, and while they are both forms of disassociation, they have a few key differences.
depersonalization is the feeling of detachment from yourself. the best way i can explain it is it’s like feeling as if you’re watching your life play out in front of you, & that you have no control over anything you say or do. it feels like your life is a movie, and you’re just-
an observer watching from behind your eyes like they’re a screen. the best analogy i have for it is this: imagine you’re sitting in a movie theater watching a horror movie. there’s a guy sitting behind you that yells “don’t go in the basement” to the main character in the movie-
presumably because the murderer is in the basement, but of course, the main character goes anyways, because the guy behind you can’t control what the movie character does, because after all, it’s a movie. i feel like i’m that guy sitting behind you. i feel like my mind and body-
aren’t connected, like someone else is controlling my scripted life. sometimes i feel like my life is planned out for me, and that i’m just following through with this preconceived plan, and other times i feel like i just don’t actually exist. i understand it’s hard to tell-
someone who’s never felt depersonalization before to imagine what it feels like to just not exist, but let me tell you it’s just a sucky feeling all around, and it feels even worse when it’s paired with derealization.
derealization is the feeling of being detached from your surroundings. it feels like everything and everyone around you are not real. this one is a little easier for me to describe. to me, an episode feels like i’m stuck in a dream. the world looks distorted & foggy. it feels-
like there is a layer of frosted glass in front of my eyes that’s blocking me from seeing the rest of the world. that’s the best way i can phrase it. your brain feels foggy and clouded, like a really bad high, except you never got high in the first place. during an episode, even-
the most familiar places, like my bedroom, feel foreign/unrecognizable. everything feels distorted. its hard to explain, but it feels as if either i’m smaller than i really am, or everything around me is larger than it really is, so i always feel so small in comparison. when-
people try to talk to me during an episode, it almost feels as if they’re speaking to me in another language, even though they’re speaking english. i can tell that they’re speaking to me, but my brain can’t register/ take in what theyre saying sometimes.
those are the two halves that make up dpdr, and when they’re paired together they can make a terrifying combination. to not only feel like you aren’t real, but also your surroundings aren’t real, is one of the scariest feelings i’ve ever felt, and i go through it regularly.
as with most mental disorders, the diagnoses on dpdr comes when episodes are persistent enough to negatively impact your quality of life. you SHOULD NOT try to self diagnose yourself with dpdr, or any other form of dissociative disorder. i understand that not everyone has the-
ability to go see a licensed professional, but dissociative disorders are so complex that it took me over 2 years of therapy to receive a proper diagnosis. this doesnt mean you need to have dpdr in order to experience dissociation though. just like how you don’t have to have an-
anxiety disorder to experience anxiety, nor do you need to have major depressive disorder to experience depression, anyone can experience dissociation at some point, and it’s believed that over half of the population will experience either depersonalization or derealization in-
their lives. however, when it starts to interfere with your day to day life, that’s when a diagnosis comes into play. dpdr was the reason i quit my job of 18 months, solely because that’s where the majority of my episodes took place. it made me cut contact with all but one of my-
friends, because i was terrified that they would be convinced i was “crazy” if they ever found out how i felt. it made me avoid my family like the plague, because they only made my episodes feel more intense. hanging out with large groups of people terrifies me. when everyone-
starts laughing or talking, i feel like i’m watching a tv show and that i’m not actually there with them, & i get really dizzy and lightheaded. i’m terrified to leave my house. it led to some severe anxiety and depression problems, because the inner turmoil of being unable to-
tell if i’m actually real has led to identity crisises that have left me feeling unable to recognize myself. i’ve become someone that i don’t know, and feeling like this is mentally draining and physically exhausting. i feel like this disorder has literally ruined my life.
now, i know that some people like making jokes like “you aren’t real” “what if this is a simulation” “what if we’re in a coma/dead”. these jokes are extremely harmful to individuals with dissociative issues. ive lost sleep over jokes like these, staying up all night trying to-
determine if it was true or not. ive spent countless hours staring into the mirror on my desk because i’m unable to tell if my reflection is really ME or not. i’ve spent hours staring at my hands because i couldn’t tell if they were MY hands or not. ive lost actual time to this-
disorder, because it can cause memory problems. there have been times where i’ve gone to bed on a tuesday night, only to “wake up” on a friday morning, and have panic attacks because i can’t remember anything that led up to that point. it’s like spending the day on autopilot-
only to “wake up” at 8pm, sitting at your kitchen table, and freaking out because you can’t remember how you got there, and you don’t know where you are, and you don’t know who’s around you. ive had people manipulate and take advantage over me because of my memory issues.
and on top of the memory issues, the memories that i do have, and do remember, don’t feel like they’re my own. they feel like someone else’s memories that i can view from their own point of view in my head, if that makes sense? i just feel so disconnected from my past.
episodes are so serious and terrifying, and intentionally triggering one for someone with these “jokes” is a scummy thing to do.
it’s jokes like these. most people can brush these off, but these jokes can send me, and others, into repetitive spirals. ive spent hours replaying the words “you’re not real” in my head after seeing jokes like these on the timeline
the very first time i ever saw this on my timeline, i had a panic attack, and was sent into a dissociative episode that lasted almost 24 hours. doing this so so fucked up. if you make jokes like this, you’re hurting people.
damn i kinda rambled with this oops
tl;dr - depersonalization feels like you’re living out a movie, and derealization feels like you’re constantly watching a movie
tl;dr - depersonalization feels like you’re living out a movie, and derealization feels like you’re constantly watching a movie
