THREAD

My daughter turned 1 yesterday & in the spirit of embracing my life now as an Irish Mammy, I’m going to make her special day all about me.

1/

I can’t stop thinking about my labour a year ago. Therapy costs & Twitter is free, ergo this thread. If you’re preggers, don’t read. I’m sure your birth will be orgasmic & you’ll feel a slight sting as you sneeze the baby out & then you can have pizza. Enjoy. 2/

I, on the other hand, had a 36 hour labour. For the first 12 hours, it was cramp like pain. I watched Brooklyn 99 & pretended Jake was the donor. Not ideal, but worse things have happened at sea. 3/

For the next 12 hours, it was painful & intense. After that, it was... um... a pain so severe I didn’t know human beings could feel such a thing. I grabbed the kitchen counter & wailed louder than a banshee being murdered. 4/

At the hospital, they told me I wasn’t dilated enough to be admitted or receive pain management. I held on to the examination table & refused to move. Mostly because it felt like someone was slicing a sharp knife through my back for 1 minute every 2 minutes. 5/

When I finally got some gas & air, I was still in agony, but I cared less. The gas & air told me we are all actually just chimps & need to help each other as much as we can on this wretched earth. The midwife who gave it to me became my favourite person for the rest of my life 6/

I was told I could have an epidural, but the anaesthetist was stuck in surgery. At this point I FULLY thought I would die. (Nothing was wrong, this was all still a “normal” labour). Hahahahaha “normal”. 7/

I LOVE my life, but I did not remotely care at this point that I was going to die, I just hoped my wife & baby would have a nice life & they would pick a photo of me where I looked hot for the obit. 8/

I was now extremely angry for ALL WOMEN (& non-binary & trans men who give birth) Do people know about this??? We need to take to the streets & MARCH against labour, I thought. This pain can’t be legal. The “most natural thing in the world” is the most unnatural shit eva 9/

It’s worth noting I had done a LOT of Hypnobirthing in the run up. I hear it works for many women & I hope it works for more. For me however, it was like pouring a shot glass of water on a burning building. It was like taking 2 paracetamol as the guillotine comes rushing down 10/

The anaesthetist came & I loved her more than the gas &air woman. When I got my epidural approx 32 hrs into labour, I thought there was the teeniest possibility life might be good again. I still told my wife about the note in my iPhone she should read in event of my death 11/

I refused to surrender the gas & air. At this point it became V important to me to know the names & personal life of everyone in the room. I kept asking them all if they were OK. I figure I wasn’t, so I wanted to make sure they were before they stuck their head up my vag 12/

They gave me an hour to rest before pushing. Everyone kept telling me I was about to run a marathon. Ehh EXCUSE ME?? I have been in labour for 32 hours. I am about as equipped to run a marathon as I am to translate Ulysses into Japanese. 13/

At this point, my favourite exchange happened...

Midwife 1: Push Brona, push!
Midwife 2: I can see the head. It’s blonde. Are you a natural blonde Brona?
Midwife 1: What are you talking about, I’m staring at 2 inches of brown roots over here.

(Yes, really)

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