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5 a side Football YOU know who you are - If you have played 5 a side, you will have encountered at least one of the following characters. Maybe you are one? Here is a light hearted look at the various types of 5-a-side player.
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1) THE ORGANISER
Has more contacts than a phone book. Will do his utmost to ensure the game goes ahead, regardless of standard. Liable to turn up with a car-full of players that nobody knows.
Has more contacts than a phone book. Will do his utmost to ensure the game goes ahead, regardless of standard. Liable to turn up with a car-full of players that nobody knows.
2) THE LATECOMER
Throws his keys and phone behind the net, and has no intention of going in goal first. Most likely to say, "Sorry lads the traffic was terrible. Right, which team am I on ?". This is the organiser's nemesis, but due to low numbers he's always asked to play.
Throws his keys and phone behind the net, and has no intention of going in goal first. Most likely to say, "Sorry lads the traffic was terrible. Right, which team am I on ?". This is the organiser's nemesis, but due to low numbers he's always asked to play.
3) THE VETERAN
Oldest player on the pitch; always at the back. Played 11s at a good level. Knows all the tricks on both sides of the law & reads the game like Beckenbauer. Most vulnerable in the last 20 minutes when he employs the dark arts to keep any lively youngsters in check.
Oldest player on the pitch; always at the back. Played 11s at a good level. Knows all the tricks on both sides of the law & reads the game like Beckenbauer. Most vulnerable in the last 20 minutes when he employs the dark arts to keep any lively youngsters in check.
4) THE BIG MAN
Nice touch for a big man. Overweight, but under-estimated. Has a foot like a pillow, and can control even the hardest of passes. Has a turning circle like a JCB, and never tracks back.
Nice touch for a big man. Overweight, but under-estimated. Has a foot like a pillow, and can control even the hardest of passes. Has a turning circle like a JCB, and never tracks back.
5) THE GOAL HANGER
Knows where the goal is - because he never strays more than two metres from it. Keeps an audible running tally of his goals. Will always argue that his goalscoring stats outweigh the refusal to defend. Most likely to say "why didn't you just pass it to me".
Knows where the goal is - because he never strays more than two metres from it. Keeps an audible running tally of his goals. Will always argue that his goalscoring stats outweigh the refusal to defend. Most likely to say "why didn't you just pass it to me".
6) THE SHOOTER
Yes, he does have a good shot. But he's more Rambo than American Sniper, spraying the back wall with wayward piledrivers, while ignoring team-mates in better positions. Never apologises.
Yes, he does have a good shot. But he's more Rambo than American Sniper, spraying the back wall with wayward piledrivers, while ignoring team-mates in better positions. Never apologises.
7) THE NUTTER/ASSASIN
Early 40s, a little bit overweight. A normally restrained guy, he'll let 20 years of frustration about his marriage come out on the pitch. Does slide tackles on any surface. Most likely to say "it's a man's game son".
Early 40s, a little bit overweight. A normally restrained guy, he'll let 20 years of frustration about his marriage come out on the pitch. Does slide tackles on any surface. Most likely to say "it's a man's game son".
8) THE GUY WITH THE ROBOCOP STYLE KNEE STRAP
This guy will always wear a knee strap that has undoubtedly been passed down through the generations. Is a first cousin of the guy who turns up in shin pads.
This guy will always wear a knee strap that has undoubtedly been passed down through the generations. Is a first cousin of the guy who turns up in shin pads.
9) THE WEAKEST LINK
Worst player by a country mile. Usually a nice guy, which makes it impossible to dish out the bollocking he deserves on a weekly basis. The merest display of competence is lauded as if it were a winning goal in the World Cup Final.
Worst player by a country mile. Usually a nice guy, which makes it impossible to dish out the bollocking he deserves on a weekly basis. The merest display of competence is lauded as if it were a winning goal in the World Cup Final.
10) THE NET DODGER
Will do anything to avoid his turn in goal. Prone to lingering at the other end of the pitch and avoiding eye contact. Will not accept that it's his turn until issued with court papers and frogmarched to the 'D'. Let's in a soft goal to get back out again.
Will do anything to avoid his turn in goal. Prone to lingering at the other end of the pitch and avoiding eye contact. Will not accept that it's his turn until issued with court papers and frogmarched to the 'D'. Let's in a soft goal to get back out again.
11) THE HUMAN SCOREBOARD
Annoys everyone with his endless scorekeeping. Most vocal when his team are in front, but strangely silent when they are getting hammered. Prone to creative accounting when it suits him.
Annoys everyone with his endless scorekeeping. Most vocal when his team are in front, but strangely silent when they are getting hammered. Prone to creative accounting when it suits him.
12) KEEPER
Is happy to spend an hour each week diving around on a hard floor whilst people hammer shots at him from 3 yards out. Wears padded trousers that look like they could withstand alien weaponry. Delights in shouting "we're wide open lads" & "do we f*cking want it ?"
Is happy to spend an hour each week diving around on a hard floor whilst people hammer shots at him from 3 yards out. Wears padded trousers that look like they could withstand alien weaponry. Delights in shouting "we're wide open lads" & "do we f*cking want it ?"
13) FULL KIT WANKER
No, just no.
No, just no.
14) EARLY LEAVER
We all know the feeling. It's a really good tight game & there's nobody due on after your game, so you're keen to carry on a bit longer. The minute the clock hits the hour, this guy grabs his keys & is away, to the dismay of everyone else. Momentum gone.
We all know the feeling. It's a really good tight game & there's nobody due on after your game, so you're keen to carry on a bit longer. The minute the clock hits the hour, this guy grabs his keys & is away, to the dismay of everyone else. Momentum gone.
15) THE NON-PAYER
One of the tightest men you will ever meet. Will always claim that the money is in the car and he'll sort it after the game. The second the hour is up, he's out of sight and his car screeches off the car park. Big fan of saying "I'll fix you up next week".
One of the tightest men you will ever meet. Will always claim that the money is in the car and he'll sort it after the game. The second the hour is up, he's out of sight and his car screeches off the car park. Big fan of saying "I'll fix you up next week".
