Do we have any spiritual/psychological explanation for recurring dreams? For years? They may not be of the same plot every time but they do revolve around the same people AND also of one repetitive theme (which we don’t consciously think about at all).

I’ve been reuniting with people from my childhood in my dreams and this has been going on for so many years. At this point, it’s started to bother me. I just need to know if it’s a common phenomenon. It’s very puzzling.

I’ve Googled a lot of times, but no answer.

At one point, I decided to download a diary only to keep track of the nights when I dream of them. Do note that these people are not evil in my memory. Every time I dream of them, it’s like I’m back in my childhood and creating new memories with them. I become a child again.

Unfinished business ni memang pernah berlaku dgn salah seorang daripada watak yang dimimpi.

Tapi tahun 2017 saya dah cari pun dia lepas asyik mimpi. Mimpi 2017 tu mungkin untuk ingatkan yang saya kena bagi closure padanya berkaitan satu janji. Tapi ni dah 2021 nape mimpi lagi https://twitter.com/MohdAsriDungun/status/1350111792416976899

Okay, I need to get this outta my chest because it really bothers me. I’ll not name them. If you think you know them, keep it to yourself please :)

I often meet 1) my childhood best friends 2) my childhood puppy “love” in my sleep.

Number 2 bothers me a lot. It’s a long story.

When we’re 10, we found out we liked each other. Kids those days were shy, so we stopped talking ever since despite being in the same class (sekolah agama, not SK).

After UPSR, he went to a different secondary school but we went to the same sek agama darjah khas once a week.

Is it okay if I continue tomorrow? I think it’s gonna be too long so maybe I should compose the whole story first. But lol as if anyone wanna listen to my nonsensical dreams and stories.

Ok we went to the same SK (diff. classes) and the same SA (same class) until we’re 12. We stopped talking since we’re 10 (cuz, s h y). At the age of 13, we went to different secondary schools but still attended the same sekolah agama which only had weekly classes now, not daily.

That’s the only way we’re connected: breathing the same air.

Then came the finale of the weekly classes. There’d be no more sekolah agama for us afterwards. So I thought, what’s the point of that mutual infatuation? It’s not like we’re adults or going to see each other again.

Plus, we hadn’t been talking for 3 years by that time. We just still liked each other (risik khabar through friends) and were too shy to even steal glances.

So on the last day of school, I decided to “cut off” the invisible tie we presumably had. Did I finally talk to him?

No. I asked a friend to relay the message to him—that I wanted us to go separate ways after this.

From afar, I saw them talking while he’s unlocking his bike to go home after the exam. After a while, my friend came to me, and DONE. I was free (as if I wasn’t, lol).

(I’m just going to say this though. I was a kid when most of the events happened, so please do not view this story through the lens of an adult. As this is a childhood memory, there will be dumb and naive things here and there but I hope I have grown wiser since then.)

Alright. So that’s the last time I saw him—end of 2005.

2 years later or so, sometimes I’d borrow my dad’s phone to talk to my friends and we somehow managed to reconnect. His best friend went to my school so he connected us. That’s how we finally spoke to each other, via text.

That’s a progress—from not speaking for years, to texting but like once in every 4 months. Very rarely. SMS ain’t cheap.

We talked abt nothing personal. We asked about each other’s school, nothing about feelings. We’re like friends.

Not long after, I moved to a boarding school.

I had a crush there. So sometimes when we texted (which was rarely), I’d talk about the crush. He’d just listen. We’re 17 then.

The following year, I did my A-levels and that’s when I met K (a random initial), who I told him about too. K was more than a crush. Pretty serious.

Many years had passed, but he was still there to listen to my life updates like twice a year.

Then as I was done with A-levels, I took a job as a substitute teacher at a primary school around Nov ‘12, while waiting to fly to NZ Feb ‘13.

One day at school, a student came to me.

“Teacher, abang Abu (pseudonym) suka teacher eh?”

I was like, “Huh? Siapa abang dia?”

Then came Abu, a boy who apparently was his younger brother. I don’t recall how they figured out the big brother and I knew each other but if I’m not mistaken…

Abu told the family there’s a new teacher in the school and he mentioned my name, and that’s how he learned that his big brother knew me.

We had actually stopped talking by then. It’s surprising to hear about him again.

Okay let’s finally give him a pseudonym. Call him Azlan.

From there, Azlan and I started talking again as friends. I was already with K.

One day, our primary school friend’s dad passed away; Azlan and I went to the funeral together. When he’s dropping me off, he said he had something to ask. I was nervous. What could it possibly be?

Imagine the nerves. When we found out we liked each other, it was 2002. The funeral took place in 2012.

Just imagine, that day was the FIRST time we actually met and heard each other’s voice after 10 years. Certainly, we’re both very awkward after dropping off another friend.

Okay we last met 2005, but I last heard his voice talking to me in 2002.

So right before I hopped off the car in front of my house, he finally asked.

Azlan: kenapa Mira cari orang lain eh?
Me: ...??
A: kenapa cari orang lain tak bagitahu?
M: kenapa kena bagitahu?

: kan Mira dengan Azlan tapi tahu-tahu je pastu Mira cerita dah ada orang lain.
: ???
: just bagitahulah so Azlan tak tunggu Mira.
: bukan ke dah bagitahu?
: bila? Bagitahu apa?
: hari last sekolah darjah khas 2005, Mira suruh J bagitahu Azlan kita takde apa2 lepas ni

: takde pun dia bagitahu. Takde siapa bagitahu apa2. Patutlah Mira selamba cerita pasal crush dan K tanpa rasa bersalah.
: Mira memang ingat J dah bagitahu Azlan. Mira tak tahu pun Azlan tunggu Mira. Ingatkan Azlan tahu kita kawan je selama ni.

This didn’t happen, guys.

All along to him, we never ended. We had been viewing us differently! I thought we’re two friends catching up twice a year for years but he thought we’re committed to each other. He couldn’t understand how I could suddenly have someone else while being with him, without guilt…

I was shocked. He was shocked. We’re shocked. You’re shocked.

But it didn’t end there. I was dizzy, I couldn’t think straight. I just found out that I cheated on someone I didn’t know I was in a relationship with? So because I was emotionally unstable, I gave him an offer.

Okay some contexts especially for younger boys and girls.

During my time in high school, phones weren’t common. I didn’t own one. Smartphones weren’t even there. People relied on SMS (pay per text). Plus, we went to boarding schools. It makes sense to not always be in touch.

So here goes the offer/promise that I made on 26 December 2012 at the age of 20, 10 years after our story started.

I said to him, if he insisted on waiting, maybe by the time we’re 25, if I wasn’t married to anyone yet, I’d consider him. I just couldn’t for now, I had K…

It may sound like a bad offer, but while in that state of shock and guilt, all I wanted was to make him feel better after gathering his courage to finally ask me.

Five years? Not a short period. I stretched it that long bcs I was confident I was actually gonna be married by 25.

Yes, this is still a real life event, none from my dreams We’re all currently in the year of 2012, this story has a long way to go but not too long. We’re probably 70% done.

And I’m taking a moment, trying to find our old conversation that can accompany the next subplots. https://twitter.com/aisyassss/status/1350473297599688710

He agreed to it. But I did remind him to not shut his heart for anyone else in the next 5 years.

Then I flew to NZ 02/2013 to start my degree. He’s everywhere as he’s in one of those institutions that required him to be offshore while studying and working. We didn’t talk much.

Years passed and we slowly lost contact despite having more platforms to communicate. I just focused on my studies and personal life. I was still with K, and I didn’t think of Azlan too seriously as I was sure he’d give up soon and I surely was gonna be married by 25 anyway.

I finished my TESOL degree in 4 years and came home and a few months later I went back to NZ again (2017) to further my study, but he’s not in the picture. I forgot abt him at all.

However at one point, I realised that I kept seeing him in my sleep while struggling with thesis.

It bothered me more and more because it was getting more and more frequent to 4-5 nights per week. I discussed with my friend what those dreams could mean. She suggested I find him and just ask about his wellbeing. Maybe he’s sick? Maybe he’s in trouble? Just ask.

I was hesitant because it’s quite a distraction. I needed to focus on my research……until I suddenly remembered that I had a promise that I hadn’t honoured.

It was 2017. I was 25. I was unmarried. And I was still with K!

I had to think hard if I was to find him. Should I even?

So I figured, those dreams could probably be a reminder for me to honour my promise or at least give him the closure he deserved. It’s not a short period. 2002-2017. Fifteen years. He surely deserved an honourable closure.

Let’s give him what he deserved.

I knew it’s tough.

On 13 August 2017, I finally initiated a conversation with him but didn’t jump straight to the main point.

He last talked to me in 2015 wishing me raya but I replied in 2017 (bad, Mira). He’s even shocked it’s suddenly me, like, “Mira?”

Sorry I took some time to ensure I don’t expose the identity and details.

So not long into the conversation, he mentioned about our age, 25. Could it be a coincidence? Or intentional? Idk but I intentionally mentioned him being “bujang lagi” to find out if he’s married/not.

At one point, he took two weeks to reply to me. I thought the closure wasn’t gonna happen because he stopped replying. Then he came back, and asked about coming over to my house. I thought he too was trying to find out if I was gonna invite people over, pasang khemah, kahwin...?

So are you ready for the closure? I think it gave closure to us both. I almost thought he’s coming over to my house because he asked if I was certainly going to be home in December but apparently, another plot twist.

And yes, bad timing and I are inseparable.

But all is well?

All seemed well. It’s just that there’s something else abt this story. I’ve been seeing things from my perspective. How about his? What happened to him while I disappeared?
We also took the last chance to properly put this to an end so that there’ll be no more unsettled business.

This was the last time we talked. I decided everything was done and nothing was left unsaid. I was happy because he found his happiness and I too didn’t have to honour the naive promise.

The last thing I said was, “We were just kids dulu.”

Glad this is the way this unfolded

I didn’t know people were gonna be emotionally invested in this story of mine :’)

I think we could take lessons from this.

• It’s important to be responsible
My friend J wasn’t a responsible messenger, so it costed Azlan his whole childhood and teenage years waiting for me.

• Promises are to be honoured
Do not simply make promises to people especially those that are high stake. And every honourable promise should be revisited—either by fulfilling or forfeiting it. Don’t leave it hanging. Someone else is clinging onto it. Have mercy.

• Be mindful & keep reflecting on life
Life’s beautiful. Even when it’s painful, it’s beautifully so. Coincidences. Look at how we always found ways to reconnect, how I met his brother, how I kept seeing him in my sleep, how I reappeared on the day he’s getting engaged. Reflect.

How I always do my reflection? By writing. I’ve been keeping a diary since I was a kid. However, my childhood diary, consisting of my childhood stories and inevitably Azlan, was stolen from me and I was left with only what’s carved on my mind.

All you read was what I remember. https://twitter.com/miralyana/status/1350060057296134144

So lately, I’ve been seeing him frequently again in my sleep. I often see him there, but not too frequent. I treat those dreams as every other dream. Nothing meaningful.

It’s just that the past months, it’s getting more frequent, and just like in 2017, it’s bothering me.