I am sorry for anyone whom has been hurt by things I have said or done. The absolute last thing I would ever want to do is to hurt people. Friends have asked me to explain some things that are circulating online, so I will do so.

I want to make it explicitly clear that I am deeply sorry for things that I've done, and that there is no excuse or explanation that would or could possibly make things I have said or done acceptable in any format.

For those of you who don't know what I am referring to, I will explain in this thread! I have nothing to hide, and want to be as open and transparent as possible and if anyone has legitimate questions they can feel free to ask.

I used to be a part of some very toxic and horrendous gaming communities from when I was 14 until around when I was 20. I have always been a streamer and used to focus solely on video games,

and had made friends with a group of folks who at the time just shared interests in the same games and media that I did. I had grown up isolated, with no friends, and lived with a single mother who worked all the time.

I had chronic illnesses which resulted in me being home alone on the internet for the most of the day every day. I also have social issues, anxiety, and depression, and wanted to do whatever I could to hold onto the few people that I felt comfortable talking to.

While I was 16 and 17 and in these communities, I was going through an eviction, and the people in my friend group started giving me money for my streams that I used on helping my mom and I not be homeless.

This meant a lot to me, and I became very attached to these folks as a result, which sent me into a feedback loop of trying to continue to impress these people with the hopes that they would continue to pay me or help me with things.

In doing so, I would hop on trending hashtags on websites like twitter and youtube and say the most offensive and disgusting thing I possibly could. Extremely racist, homophobic, transphobic, and all kinds of bigoted things.

I didn't think it was a problem at the time because I didn't *really* think those things, and therefore I was under the impression it was just something I was doing for fun to fit in with my social groups.

At the time of these messages, I had barely any following and almost nobody saw them outside of skype group and a dozen or so stream viewers. The things I said and did are indefensible and downright disgusting, and it hurts even me to look at them.

I would accept donations to say or tweet things people wanted me to, often absolutely repressible. What I told myself is that it didn't hurt anyone, they were just words, and I could get paid to do so, and therefore there was nothing wrong with it.

Of course, that is not even remotely accurate, as I was perpetuating a culture of hatred and disgust, one of which I was never educated on the ramifications of, and had no relation to.

By the time I was 18 and 19, I had started to feel more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, and when I started dropping hints that I was attracted to the same sex, I faced significant backlash from people that had been my friends and those who watched my streams for years

at that point. Almost all of them started to mock and ridicule me, and I felt hurt, but decided to double down on trying to impress them. I routinely mocked, attacked, and made fun of gayness in general, as a way to make those around me feel okay with me.

Around that time, however, my streams were starting to get more appeal outside of my skype groups and regular stream viewers. I had begun meeting more people and had started to make friends outside of the groups that I had been associating with.

When I was 20, I started to work for a streaming website that paid me a significant amount of money to stream whatever I wanted.

I spent a lot of time mocking and satirizing people I had previously associated with, which of course, taken out of context and applied to my earlier statements looks damning and also disgusting, which I admit is absolutely correct.

Having developed more meaningful friendships and having had a source of income not directly tied to people who would pay me to say or do disgusting things I began to distance myself from those people I had associated with.

As a result, they doxxed me, by posting my address online from when I had accepted fanmail before on a stream. They created a bunch of lies, manufactured false statements, and begun to try to smear me on websites such as Kiwi Farms, and 8chan.

As soon as I had come out as trans, these people whom I had once thought were my friends, began to post all my personal information on neo nazi forums in an attempt to get people to hurt me.

After realizing that I had made such a big mistake with what I had done online, I stopped streaming all together for many months, and isolated myself. I had begun receiving death threats and eventually was swatted, which lead to me being very mentally unwell.

During this time, I decided to read, watch the news, listen to more podcasts, and just be a better person. Shortly after being swatted, my mother had a stroke, and passed away. For me, this was a very life changing moment. I decided to start politically organizing

and attending protests. I lived in Washington DC at the time, so there was plenty to do and learn. I met lots of wonderful people (and some not so wonderful people...) during this time, and decided to do whatever I could from that point forward to help people.

As I was a streamer, though having been on a break for a significant period of time, I decided that I wanted to use my little platform that I had, with some lingering people that may be receptive, to broadcast messages of positivity,

and being explicitly anti-racist and anti-fascist. Because of the people I used to associate with, I am very familiar with how they behave, the ways they speak, and what they think, which is why I cover a lot of right wing conspiracy and militia material on my show today,

because I want to provide a way for people who are less connected to these evils a way to understand how and why they do the things they do and how we can prevent them from gaining power or hurting others.

I have never hidden from my history, but as I gain more followers and interact with more people who do not know me, this does come up often, and given the recent events, I figured I would do my best to write an explanation of these things and how they influence who I am today.

I do think it is, of course, very important to realize that these accusations against me recently originated from someone named Niko House, who as of a few months ago, actively made propaganda films with out and proud neo nazis that railed against black lives matter and antifa.

This wasn't 6 years ago, this was 6 months ago. He actively promotes conspiracy theories that trans women are "biological males" and that "real women" should have "real spaces".

Of course these statements are in service of a politician he admires that he is afraid to criticize, but my point remains that if you are going to try to hunt me down over things I am openly ashamed of, but defend someone actively doing the things you say you're against, well...

In Niko House's attempt to ruin my reputation, people who support him have been posting pre-transition photos, dead naming me, and attacking my looks and status a trans person in an effort to publicly shame me for my past behavior.

While my past behavior does deserve shame and ridicule, and I have been doing that myself to myself since then, believe me, it is no excuse to engage in active bigotry and transphobic behavior.

Sending pre-transition photos to trans people is a triggering event that should never be done to anyone. Please think before you engage in these behaviors.

Again, I want to make it explicitly clear that I do not endorse, defend, or try to excuse my actions. They were reprehensible, disgusting, absurd, and evil, and I apologize to everyone whom I may have hurt with my words and actions.

I believe my current work and activism speaks for itself, and if you choose not to forgive me, that is perfectly reasonable and acceptable. I want to say to my friends and those who like my current work that you should not feel the need to defend me, and I don't expect you to.

This is my problem and exclusively my problem, and I do not want others to be caught in the crossfire for things that do not involve them. I believe that one of the chief reasons that I do what I do now is because I don't want people to be caught in the same pipelines that I had.

I want to provide a safe space for people to be themselves and be comfortable with who they are so that they don't feel the need to join social groups that are toxic and garbage. I want to spend my time fighting back against the things that sucked me in when I was younger.

I hope you have a good day and I love all of you