I wanna talk for a minute about internalized racism/homophobia/bigotry in general.

This is from my personal perspective and is by no means meant to be authoritative, just what I've experienced. Im probably gonna ramble a bit. Cool?

Cool.

I was raised in rural Appalachia in a staunch religious environment. My parents specifically and intentionally curated the information that was available to me.

As such, a lot if what I learned about things they were uncomfortable talking about came from the people around me.

The first time I said the word "gay" in front if my parents, I was taken out of the room and spanked.

I learned the word from being called it.

Nobody bothered to explain to me what it meant.

There was one black girl at my elementary school.

One.

She was treated as an outsider and constantly made fun of.

The extent of my sex education was "God hates that. Dont do it."

I wish I was kidding.

Puberty was a trauma that I wish I had had some sort of hand to hold through, but fear and misinformation took that from me.

In middle school I ended up in a cult.

In high school is was in my fourth private Christian school.

I didn't have access to information outside my little bubble save for a small circle of online friends my parents tried to stop me from contacting.

As a young adult, I was largely the product of my upbringing. I was sweet and warm and kind and welcoming

And surrounded by both oblivious and intentional bigots

And I was full of awful beliefs

I would say to myself "I love people! I can't be a bigot. I just know that God's will for people is more important than what *they* want."

It made sense to me. I had *lots* of feelings and desires outside the realm of what God would allow. Things he found abhorrent.

I had already put my desires away. I already dealt with intrusive thoughts that put me on the fast track to hell.

I already practiced "pray without ceasing" in my every day life, constantly asking for God's forgiveness lest I have an errant thought that would damn me.

My "friends" were white Christians almost exclusively.

I thought they were the greatest friends anybody could have, that they could never do me wrong, because having *friends* in general was new.

I had been bullied my whole life, and I finally got people to like me. Kind of.

Even in college almost all my time was spent in campus ministries. At most there were two black students that I remember. Everything was homogeneous.

I had a few black friends, but they were also swimming in the same environment I was.

I don't know that there was a solid turning point. Not one moment at least.

People always described me as loving and kind and good. The insults I got were that was too much or too loud or a klutz. Never a bigot.

But I was one, whether I liked it or not.

The jokes I made in private. The things I said because I thought it hurt nobody, or because a friend "gave me permission," or even in the unfortunately not that rare occasion that I felt blackmailed to do it for the amusement of others.

I have intense regret.

Fundamentalist Christianity stole more than 20 years from me and traumatized me.

The person I was was formed by the information I was fed and the people I got to be around.

I'm still responsible for the person I was despite all of that.

The things I had been fed were a part of me. I didn't control them, but I controlled what I did with them.

As I slowly became more exposed to the world outside my religious bubble, I slowly-

s l o w l y

Started to unlearn and change .you behaviors and worldview

Changing was made extremely difficult under the eye of God. Questioning my life meant questioning my faith.

In the end, my personal growth killed my faith, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It finally allowed me to grapple with my gender dysphoria.

Cut off from different people and different ideas, however, I don't think I ever could have changed.

There are plenty of people I know who stayed exactly the people they were.

My father is one of them.

I'm *still* unlearning. My toxic Christianity fed me so many awful things, but there were plenty of things that just came from growing up a white kid in Appalachia.

Or even just in America in general.

Nobody comes along and makes you question yourself. Privelege protects you.

There's literally no escaping internalized bigotry. We all have it, though some more than others. If you're not actively working to look for it and unlearn it, it just stays a part of you.

It grows and festers.

It hurts people.

If your first response when people call your behavior to your attention is "You're being too sensitive," that's pretty dismissive, and not exactly conducive to be becoming somebody better.

"If I ever find out any of you are into t******s, that's the end of our friendship."

Those words scared the hell out of me and pushed my ass so far back in the closet.

It was one time from one person.

Your words and actions affect people.

Anyway, I've rambed super hard.

The point is, everybody has trauma. Everybody ends up with prejudices.

You aren't immune to them. Nobody is.

All you can do is work hard to unlearn them.

Don't be dismissive. Listen to the voices of others and do your best not to talk over them. If they tell you you're fucking up, odds are real good you're fucking up.

Build a better self so we can have a better world.

You don't have to double down on your beliefs.

I love you and I'm sorry I vomited all this.

Thanks to like the two people who read it.

PS - Fuck Christian School.