Also, since I covered Wall Street I saw a LOT of narcissists, obviously, and knew to steer clear of them. One of the clearest signs of a narcissist: They don't care about your feelings. If you tell them they caused harm, they will NOT, EVER, apologize. They'll make it your fault.

There are more warning signs. Also know that there are narcissistic traits -- which a lot of people have -- and actual narcissists. Having one red flag isn't enough; a person would need several to be an actual narcissist.

And the worst part: If you have spent a lot of time around a narcissist, you will ALSO develop narcissistic traits.

That's because the narcissist taught them to you, basically, as examples of how to show power.

This is why a lot of women become enablers of narcissists.

Lastly, narcissists don't look like monsters. They look like Ryan Adam's or Shia LeBoeuf or Armie Hammer -- charismatic, almost sweet sometimes, charming, funny. They are VIVID. They created that personality, that false self, to avoid rejection, so it's usually compelling.

Anyway I've seen this happen to so many women. So many! Smart women. Successful women. Kind women. Beautiful women. The abusive behavior is *only* the narcissist's fault. No partner or friend can change it. Leave and get to rebuilding yourself, preferably with therapy.

Since therapy can be $$$ and not everyone has access, a few things and resources I've learned as I've been reading about psychology:

The key thing is not the narcissist. Fuck that guy. The key thing is finding out what inside you wanted a narcissist, or needed to earn love.

Many are drawn to narcissists bc of childhood needs.

Books that will help people understand why narcissists show up in their lives:

1) Running on Empty by Jonice Webb (how everyone replays childhood patterns of love/neglect)

2) Codependent No More

3) Attached by Levine

And for healing trauma -- or understanding how it works -- nothing (and I mean nothing) is as good as this book, which shows how trauma is stored in our bodies, causing pain and tension.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Another point that came up: A sure red flag is thinking "I never behave this way." Narcissists thrive on that -- they see making a partner act outside their values as proof of their power and control. That's a big part of the Armie Hammer stories.

tw // abuse

tw //rape

If you can bear it, take a look at @houseofeffie on Instagram and her "Hammer Horror" story. He strung along several women at once, demanded they be faithful to him, treated them badly and when they objected, ghosted them and pulled in other women.

Also please note that he cultivated a dorky himbo public image but in private he was emotionally and physically violent to these women. All his charm and aw-shucks denial of his status helped pull in women who were emotionally vulnerable. More reason to be skeptical of Hollywood.

I think we really need, as a society, to something I've always believed: Someone being a celebrity doesn't make them more appealing to date. It's a big strike against them. I wish more people were skeptical of the entertainment publicity machine.

Anyway, if it's helpful to anyone, here's a good TikTok/Instagram about signs of codependency. This is often what narcissists look for in their targets, and they start by "lovebombing," then demanding things and breaking their targets down.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CKG4RSbjL13/?igshid=9tmns124dpfn