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CW faith/spirituality/Christianity
I spent the past several years (....the past decade-plus?) largely wandering in a spiritual desert, describing myself as “more religious than spiritual”, and yearning for something that I couldn’t describe and didn’t know how to find.
I spent the past several years (....the past decade-plus?) largely wandering in a spiritual desert, describing myself as “more religious than spiritual”, and yearning for something that I couldn’t describe and didn’t know how to find.
Over that time, I’ve had occasional mountain-top experiences that watered my parched spirit, but the thing about mountain-tops is that you come down from them.
A priest I greatly respect says, “faith is what you do between one mountain-top and the next”.
A priest I greatly respect says, “faith is what you do between one mountain-top and the next”.
And so I’d come home from the conference or the retreat and for a while I’d be full of that experience.... but it’s not enough. It has never been enough.
And so I went to church, because the community was important to me and it was an important part of my routine.
And so I went to church, because the community was important to me and it was an important part of my routine.
And I had my Good White Liberal Intellectual Christian Religion, in a very cerebral way that left me feeling still spiritually parched.
And then I’d go to an Event, and maybe it was singing hymns with hundreds of people or maybe it was the friends I made along the way....
And then I’d go to an Event, and maybe it was singing hymns with hundreds of people or maybe it was the friends I made along the way....
And I’d get filled up again, and rinse and repeat.
And meanwhile my life was getting queerer, and I was bringing less of it to church.
Yeah, I came out at church, first as bi and then nonbinary. But I brought neither my deepest joy nor my deepest pain past the church doors.
And meanwhile my life was getting queerer, and I was bringing less of it to church.
Yeah, I came out at church, first as bi and then nonbinary. But I brought neither my deepest joy nor my deepest pain past the church doors.
I went to church every week and was super involved, had church friends.... and had no one to whom I actually talked about *my faith*, that deep aching parched place in my soul that wasn’t fed by Nice Liberal Intellectual Theology.
My ex... came to church with me, for the community mostly. He’s agnostic, and has his own scars from especially evangelical culture.
Somewhere along the way, I internalized that a mystical, hard-to-express, heart-led faith/experience of God/Love/Divine Beingness... wasn’t compatible with the kinds of faith communities that would accept a queerdo like me. Whether or not that’s true, I internalized it.
Not being out polyam at church, and not having told most people that I was going to be separating from my now-ex also drove further wedges into my connection to the church I was attending last year.
I wasn’t being fed there, I needed to move on.
I wasn’t being fed there, I needed to move on.
I started dating @queerestdeerest a bit over a year ago, and we talked some about our respective faiths, and my parched spirit was watered a bit.... but after so long NOT talking about my faith, I didn’t even have the words for my experience of the divine. I still don’t fully.
For one, there’s a Bigness there that defies being pinned down and put in boxes and Neatly Described.
For another, I was so used to trying to Do Religion with my brain that I struggled to experience God (for lack of a better word) with my heart.
For another, I was so used to trying to Do Religion with my brain that I struggled to experience God (for lack of a better word) with my heart.
I changed churches around the start of the pandemic, back to an Anglican chapel that my ex and I attended for a few years earlier in our relationship.
I offered to lead worship when the priest was away in the summer, which was really good.
I offered to lead worship when the priest was away in the summer, which was really good.
I came out polyam at church in late-November.
I led worship again on Advent 1 when our priest had a family thing come up, and @queerestdeerest came to church with me. I had big tender gay feelings about the whole thing
I led worship again on Advent 1 when our priest had a family thing come up, and @queerestdeerest came to church with me. I had big tender gay feelings about the whole thing
And then in Advent, I decided to start praying Compline (night prayer) daily, and invited others to join me on audio — and this practice has been so deeply life-giving for me.
And through this practice, and with these people who share it with me (shout-out esp. to @queerestdeerest and @DemilifeMusic), I’ve found the space to start talking about my faith/spirituality more.
To share my heart-led non-intellectual love-centred musings on the divine.
To share my heart-led non-intellectual love-centred musings on the divine.
And in the love I feel for and receive from these people so dear to me, I experience the love of the divine.
It is such welcome rain on my parched soul.
I didn’t have any idea that THIS is what I so desperately needed.... but I’m just so deeply grateful to have it.
It is such welcome rain on my parched soul.
I didn’t have any idea that THIS is what I so desperately needed.... but I’m just so deeply grateful to have it.
