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Grieving for my childhood friend, who died this month from pregnancy complications.
This hits me really hard because in 5 out of 10 alternate universes, I would be dead too. She was an engineer at Facebook.
Read this if you need to ugly-cry.
This hits me really hard because in 5 out of 10 alternate universes, I would be dead too. She was an engineer at Facebook.
Read this if you need to ugly-cry.
Her dad went to grad school with mine, her bedroom a closet in campus housing at Michigan State. In a community of immigrant strivers, her dad worked the hardest.
Her family never used AC even in the Arkansas summers, so she might someday go to an Ivy League school. And she did.
Her family never used AC even in the Arkansas summers, so she might someday go to an Ivy League school. And she did.
Now she's gone along with her baby, and her dad is ill with terminal cancer. She lived a good life, with lots of joy, friendship, love, and accomplishment. What a cruel version of the American Dream. She's another version of me.
When I was convalescing from pregnancy complications, I thought a lot about how we talk about the *choices* women make around having children.
But I wonder how many women drop out of their careers because of the physical afflictions of childbirth, most of which we suffer alone.
But I wonder how many women drop out of their careers because of the physical afflictions of childbirth, most of which we suffer alone.
When I was pregnant the second time, I lost weight because I was so sick. Just walking past the coffee shop made me puke. And I also had much bigger problems. A lot of people complimented me for being so thin.
I had to sit on a stool for half a semester because I couldn't make it through three classes standing up. I would often sob in my office because of the physical immiseration of throwing up daily and getting a cold that lasted months.
I was berated for mediocre teaching ratings.
I was berated for mediocre teaching ratings.
If you're grieving right now, or suffering in silence while trying to pretend you're still able to do all your work and present a smile and adorable baby bump to the world, I feel you. Stay strong. It's ok not to be ok.
There's also a lesson here about the reforms we're trying to make to keep women in their careers. Those of us working to help are a survivorship-biased sample.
The memory of even the basest miseries fade away if we overcome them. We need to talk to those who didn't survive.
The memory of even the basest miseries fade away if we overcome them. We need to talk to those who didn't survive.
If you're pregnant now here's a small thing that could help: https://twitter.com/jialanw/status/1265401619061112839
