Ok, strap yourselves in, and i swear on my kids lives everything that i'm about to tell you is absolutely true....

Some context first, basically, I normally do the shopping in our house basically because i'm a finicky get but normally i walk up and Mrs H picks me up...

1/13 https://twitter.com/Andrew_Heaton/status/1349398708320931846

But today, for reasons I won't bore you with, she was unable to today and it was a big shop and pissing down so fuck that, i'll ping a Delta.....

2/13

Anyway, shopping sorted (i'm making a steak and red wine pie, in case you're interested), sat outside Tesco, all sound, cab pulls up, lashes the gear in the boot, at this point I noticed the driver didn't have a mask on...

3/13

So, because i'm a shithouse, my reaction is as it always to tutt disapprovingly internally and just pray that...

a) He's cleaned his car

But more importantly

b) I'm not about to get a lecture

I guess it wasn't my lucky day.....

4/13

Before my arse had even touched contaminated cloth seat, literally even before asking where I was going...

Driver: "Ey lad, have they got bouncers now?"

Me: "Didn't notice mate" (Oh please god no)

So, I give him the address and I can see him sizing up his prey (me)

5/13

So, 8-10 VERY long seconds later...

Driver: "It's all a load of bollocks anyway mate"

Me: SILENCE

At this point I feel like i'm in a horror movie under a bed trying not to breathe and kidding myself if he notices my headphones he might leave it

Nope, not today...

6/13

Driver: "So if masks work, why is it still ere?"

Me: SILENCE (Please go away)

Driver: "I won't wear one, whole thing's made up"

At this point, and I don't know why, but i've had enough, so I politely engage, big mistake...

7/13

Me: "Dunno mate, one of them isn't it, rather be safe than sorry and that"

FUCK, ANDY NO, WHY, YOU DICKHEAD

Driver: "But if they work why is it spreading?"

BUT YOU'VE JUST SAID IT DOESNT EXIST!?!?!?!?

Me: "Probably because it's been managed poorly from the off mate"

8/13

Driver (Getting more irate): "AND ANYWAY... They're only getting more postive tests because they're testing more"

Me: "I thought it's per capita, not an overall number mate"

Driver: "It's all a fucking hoax anyway la"

HERE WE GO

9/13

At this point, whether it's exasperation or whatever, i'm just rolling with it

Me: "To what end though?"

Driver: "Depopulation"

Me: "by forcing us to wear masks"

Driver: "To save the rainforest"

WHAT

Me: "How do the masks kill us?"

10/13

Driver: "This masks don't work and the new strain is bollocks, they want to depopulate the planet"

Me: "How?"

Driver: "Climate change"

Me: "Sorry mate what?"

Driver: "They need to lower the population to save the planet"

Me: "But...."

11/13

Driver: "They're going to force us all on this vaccine to lower the population"

CRINGING

Me: "They're going to poison us with the vaccine"

Driver: "Yeah, I told yer, depopulation"

At this point we're nearly at my house and i'm wishing i'd give him a blag address

12/13

Me: "And they're all in on it?"

Driver: "Yeah"

Me: "Not being funny mate, but how have they managed to keep it all secret"

Driver: "They haven't kept it secret"

Me: "What?"

Driver: "How can it be secret if I know about it?"

I mean, FML, thanks for watching

13/13

addendum: Of course I still tipped the fella, don't know whether out of fear, a confused state or sympathy, fuck knows....

Have a nice day