Read on Twitter
-john mulaney once said...
a thread-
a thread-
“eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs”
“i am very small... and i have no money. so you can imagine the kind of stress that i am under”
“im very gay, i’d like a fee dollars”
“coz he never forgets a BITCH”
“you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair...”
“yyyOURE a little fat girl arent you!?”
“NOOO THATS THE THING IM SENSITIVE ABOUT”
“LOOK AT THAT HIGH WAISTED MAN... he has feminine HIPS”
“she is a dynamite, five-foot, Jewish bitch, and she is the BEST”
“excuuuseee me, i am HOMELESS... i am GAYY.. i have AIDS... im NEW IN TOWN...”
“GIVE US SOME MONEY. AS A GIFT. WE WANT A GIFT... BUT ONLY IF ITS MONEYYY!!”
*emen..ehenen..*
“do my friends hate me or do i just need to go to sleep??”
“NOT FUNNNAAAYYY”
john: “i do have a lot of anxiety..”
stephen: “and thats why you dont want anyone to actually TRULY know you”
john: “...oo. *stares* ahhhh-“
stephen: “and thats why you dont want anyone to actually TRULY know you”
john: “...oo. *stares* ahhhh-“
“i dont care for these new nazis, and you MAY QUOTE me on that!”
“awwww 
shes ugly 
”
shes ugly ”
“WAS THERE EVEN A GHOST, MOTHER. OR WAS THE DEAD VICTORIAN GIRL YOU SAW JUST ME ALL ALONG???!”
“A BIG ASS ‘H’
“STAHP SNITCHING MUTHA FUCKA”
“too OLD to be a duck... QUACK QUACK!”
*piano sounds*
“DUMB FUCKIN HORSE—“
-end of thread
