Read on Twitter
as we wait w/ bated breath whether or not the US will vote to impeach our seditious President, i find myself at this place again. my body is reliving trauma of seeing the Philippines devolve into chaos right before the Marcos regime was overthrown. i'm coming apart at the seams. https://twitter.com/cookie_everman/status/1347029166768590848
i slept for a few hours & had a therapy sesh & now i see our seditious, traitorous President has been impeached.
<ehem>
it takes 2 to make a thing go right / it takes 2 to make it outta sight
<clears throat, straightens weave>
but it was A HELLUVA DAY IN JANUARY YALL 1/
<ehem>
it takes 2 to make a thing go right / it takes 2 to make it outta sight<clears throat, straightens weave>
but it was A HELLUVA DAY IN JANUARY YALL 1/
abt 25 yrs ago, I was diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder (may have been a misdiagnosis, but that's another story) i manage to function in polite society w/ a combo of meds & therapy & an overstuffed toolbox of coping mechanisms. today, i used every tool. YUP. it's tita story time! 2/
way too early this morning, i got up to make coffee & listen to @KUOW. as they talked abt the impeachment & insurrection & the nat'l guard, i felt my fists clenching. i was pacing more than needed & kinda yelling back @ the radio (sorry KUOW folx I
U) & then I LOST MY SHIT 3/
U) & then I LOST MY SHIT 3/
I called @chrismb73 & BAWLED & YELLED abt how much I was hurting. I went for a walk to Cal Anderson Park & rode swings & looked super closely at the #BlackLivesMatter 
sign painted in vibrant colors on the street. I did a twirl on each 
I saw. I called @jillscharr to RANT 4/
sign painted in vibrant colors on the street. I did a twirl on each I saw. I called @jillscharr to RANT 4/
I was feeling feelings I forgot I had stored up in the Trauma Center. Here's the *short* list of feelings:
-reliving bodily trauma of watching the PI erupt after Ninoy Aquino's murder
-fear for my kids' safety (yes, they're in Bellevue & fine, but trauma knows no logic duh) 5/
-reliving bodily trauma of watching the PI erupt after Ninoy Aquino's murder
-fear for my kids' safety (yes, they're in Bellevue & fine, but trauma knows no logic duh) 5/
-rage @ realizations:
--right now, the kids are probably safer in mostly-white rich bellevue w/ their winter skin (shhh melanin sleepin) & their white dad than here in the city w/ their brown immigrant mama
--i dunno where *I* could be unquestionably safe in this country 6/
--right now, the kids are probably safer in mostly-white rich bellevue w/ their winter skin (shhh melanin sleepin) & their white dad than here in the city w/ their brown immigrant mama
--i dunno where *I* could be unquestionably safe in this country 6/
-rage @ realizations 2
--this country values POC most for what our bodies are worth: work, pleasure, service, proliferation
--most (all?) my relationships w/ white men have centered my body & its worth/use "for both of us"
--the economy relies on what brown/Black bodies can do 7/
--this country values POC most for what our bodies are worth: work, pleasure, service, proliferation
--most (all?) my relationships w/ white men have centered my body & its worth/use "for both of us"
--the economy relies on what brown/Black bodies can do 7/
-hurt @ realizations:
--this country tries to keep POC & marginalized grps feeling small so they must rely on their white father, Uncle Sam for their salvation & sustenance
--my white lovers tried to keep me feeling small so I would rely on my white savior to help me belong 8/
--this country tries to keep POC & marginalized grps feeling small so they must rely on their white father, Uncle Sam for their salvation & sustenance
--my white lovers tried to keep me feeling small so I would rely on my white savior to help me belong 8/
-hurt @ realizations 2:
--WE BELONG, which i wrote w/ my blood, is coming out in 2mos & it has ALL THIS in it
--i finished writing most of it 2yrs ago, the "autobio" bits happened >30yrs ago, but it reads like i wrote it today
--stop thinkin bout your book, capitalist pig 9/
--WE BELONG, which i wrote w/ my
blood, is coming out in 2mos & it has ALL THIS in it--i finished writing most of it 2yrs ago, the "autobio" bits happened >30yrs ago, but it reads like i wrote it today
--stop thinkin bout your book, capitalist pig 9/
-awks feels @ realizations:
--"did i just hawk my book like a capitalist pig?"
--"ok but the themes do apply tho"
--"yeah but GURL you fr tryna sell yo book rn"
--"OMFG no i'm not yall it's coincidence gawd"
--"bish we know you be hustlin dont even play"
--"i hate yall dang" 10/
--"did i just hawk my book like a capitalist pig?"
--"ok but the themes do apply tho"
--"yeah but GURL you fr tryna sell yo book rn"
--"OMFG no i'm not yall it's coincidence gawd"
--"bish we know you be hustlin dont even play"
--"i hate yall dang" 10/
hrm? yes, i felt ALL THAT w/in the 10-min call w/ @chrismb73. i was wiping tears & snot on my sweatshirt & at 1 point i yelled FUCK YOU AMERICA (YES WAY) i wrote a whole-ass book abt how brown/Black ppl/immigrants want to belong to this country & today i asked myself directly 11/
Why, exactly, do I want to belong to THIS country? It hates me & my darker sisters, brothers, & cousins. And yet we believed the brochure that America=Disneyland, full of blonds, golden opportunity & MICKEY MF'IN MOUSE. But the brutal reality is: America is Orange County 12/
where @Disneyland & Hollywood make [at times sucky] art that convinces everyone around the world that this country is WHERE IT'S AT. and we immigrants, DESPERATE FOR HOPE, believe the brochure. and why not? what we got goin on? gov't corruption & abject poverty, that's what! 13/
2020 stabbed me in my multiple times, but it also made grow at least 9x (take that, Grinch) & open my eyes to the Noah's Ark nature of this pandemic & geopolitical chaos. Mama Universe was all "OK THAT IS ENOUGH" & sent us all to our rooms to think abt what we've done. 14/
multiple times, but it also made grow at least 9x (take that, Grinch) & open my eyes to the Noah's Ark nature of this pandemic & geopolitical chaos. Mama Universe was all "OK THAT IS ENOUGH" & sent us all to our rooms to think abt what we've done. 14/
so, yeah, Impeachment 2: Electric Boogaloo is a good step forward, but it's ONE STEP. we're all exhausted past the point of any amount of "rest" being enough. we've all felt like we've failed @ Life. we're all trying our very best, but it's been a year & GODDAMN THIS IS HARD 15/
so, as i said in another tita storytime thread, we need to give ourselves and each other a little more kindness and grace. the most productive, creative thing you can do right now is LIVE. eat well, drink water, move sometimes, love always. 16/
our hearts are muscles the size of our fists. we must keep loving and fighting for each other, beloveds. we are all we've got. thx for reading. i love you. moisturize your hair w/ coconut oil once a week. it's good for your quaranhair. trust. kforrealsluvubye 17/17
p.s. lest you think that this was just a straight-up gut punch of a day for me, i had a glorious 90 mins of LIFE GIVING POETRY that will sustain me for the rest of the week. https://twitter.com/Danez_Smif/status/1349365837040377856?s=20
