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When we rest we often feel guilty. Society values effort, productivity and achievement above everything. But for me resting isnāt doing nothing, itās an essential part of preparing to do something, and recovering afterwards. Itās how I survive.
#AllAutistics
#burnout
#autism
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#AllAutistics
#burnout
#autism
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At nursery #school #rest was factored in. We napped on camp beds with scratchy blankets after lunch. Even at primary school we were given the opportunity to lay our heads on our hands on our wooden desks while the teacher read to us. Short interludes in otherwise hectic days.
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The thing I remember most about secondary school is rushing. We were always hurrying from one place to another, at risk of being late, but not allowed to run. My only restful moments were in the art room, library and garden, or walking up to the playing fields to do sports.
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Pressure on me out of school was increased by homework and exam revision. Half terms and holidays were welcome but insufficient breaks. From time to time Iād become unwell and need to take some time off school. I now realise the main reason for this was so that I could rest.
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Having a day off school was a huge relief but I worried that I wasnāt unwell enough to justify it. Even though, instinctively, it felt essential. It meant time alone, time to rest, time to recover. What would happen now, I wonder, with attendance pressure, sanctions and fines?
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I survived university partly because of what I studied. English Literature was taught through lectures and seminars, with very few timetabled hours. Most of my time was spent in solitude - reading, thinking and writing. A restful antidote to the demands of student social life.
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My first job after I graduated involved living in. Quite apart from the challenges of residential work, not going home at the end of the day meant never really resting. It was only on weekends away that I could fully relax. Home has always been a sanctuary and a refuge for me.
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My #career involved a whole series of challenges. It was like an oscillating curve. The demands on me would reach a peak then fall away for a while after I moved to a different job. But before long the next role would become just as demanding.
#autism
#AllAutistics
#employment
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#autism
#AllAutistics
#employment
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Looking back to a time in my 30s when I was back at University, on work placements, and parenting young children, I didnāt get any rest at all. Any solitude I had was used for studying. I would fall asleep over my work and wake up in a panic, realising how much time Iād lost.
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The culture of a workplace determines how rest is seen. In some roles being contacted in the evenings, at weekends and on holiday is the norm. Since discovering Iām autistic Iāve taken a radically different career direction, trying to prioritise wellbeing, time off and rest.
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Itās hard to change the habits of a lifetime and overwork is definitely one of mine. Itās only since realising Iām autistic that Iāve realised just how effortful work was and why. Inability to concentrate in open plan offices meant work was displaced to evenings and weekends.
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Getting the balance right is difficult. Understimulation can be just as bad as overstimulation career wise. Building in time to rest is much easier now I only work part time. The additional demands of household tasks on top of full time work used to squeeze out any down time.
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The amount of rest I need is proportionate to the energy I expend. Iāve finally admitted to myself that I canāt cope with busy, noisy, working environments. In order to compensate for social and sensory overwhelm Iād have to spend all of my time off in a quiet, darkened room.
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I spent most of my career believing āa change is as good as a restā. For a while it was, but constant change became exhausting. I want to be able to indulge my passion for sound, vision and texture when Iām not at work, not dial everything down and live in a sensory vacuum.
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