Read on Twitter
Long thread. Mute or unfollow if req. In my short lived experience, I've had trouble finding allies. Is it just me? But I find that we haven't learned as Indians to be allies in societal relations. Everyone here is a "contact" to be preserved. An alliance so to say.
In confrontations or even just conversations with people where I'm stating an opinion how I feel, or even facts, especially as i tell someone they have hurt me, I always find the third person coming to the second's rescue even if latter is in the wrong and has to be accountable.
"There's always two sides to an argument," they'd say. Or as I found myself passionate or angry about how I've felt or been treated or taken advantage of, there's crazy making. At first, I'd apologize, I'd feel horrible for feeling bad. Guilty at having to fight for my corner.
But over time I found this was a pattern in all my interactions with everyone. For the longest while, I blamed myself, harmed myself. Felt confused. Even if there was no mal-intent in my approach or speech.
For instance, I found recently that people in a birding group I was part of, who knew I had been emotionally abused, or SHed or bullied by some of the older people, who empathized w/ me at the point, still interact with the perps.
Or that friends who knew a mutual had called me slurs like b*tch, and I cut myself off from them, still had a rapport with the mutual. Or another friend is on great terms with someone else who took advantage of me.
I've countless such tales. An organization I worked with has an abusive person rose through the ranks despite physically assaulting me and another woman. An ex colleague or several hang with him still. Surely, they know of his past?
What was happening here? I have taught myself to call out someone in a toxic rapport right there, that hey, X isn't done. Y isn't alright. Please apologize to them. But I didn't find anyone sticking up for me ever. Perhaps it was my own patterns that led me to these relations?
But having lived enough, having met a wide spectrum of people within this country, I've only understood this. We are non-confrontational, passive aggressive. And always protecting our interests. We'd rather throw others under the bus, as long as we can climb the social ladder.
We don't have the guts to stand aside, measure a situation, and mitigate it. We are all bullies and enablers. If someone isn't pecking at me, and at someone else, I'm safe. We think. Until they come for us.
We won't tell a 70 year old relative bullying a 25yo niece in a WA group for speaking up that he needs to back off. We offer silence. "He's older na. Let him be. You've to adjust." Let alone that the chap reached 70 w/out developing emotional maturity.
We won't tell a friend assertively that they hurt someone who's also a friend who confided in us, that we don't approve of what they did while preserving the relation both way. And as a principle. Not to benefit off either. But we choose benefit.
We escape. We let ourselves off the hook. We don't say sorry. We all want understanding but are not willing to extend it to another. It makes no sense when a teacher or a CEO picks a fight with a subordinate or a student out of ego.
And it is perhaps this reason we are shoddy allies in dismantling systemic oppression as opposed to nations where we can and do fight for our rights? We don't know how to be allies. We are all socially and emotionally stunted. We aren't even emotional, really.
We are socially and emotionally underdeveloped. We are a hyper competitive society where we scrabble to the top while stepping on others. Friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues. We are all bystanders, protecting only ourselves.
So if you find yourself alone in any argument where you know you're right, or a dynamic where you're hurt and not believed, where you may have to scream to be heard or your calm boundaries and NO are not acknowledged, know it isn't you at times if you've self examined.
It may well be that while perpetuating intergenerational trauma, our society also failed to teach us comradeship. Allyship. It rewards exploitation, divisiveness, exploitation. And so, abusers rise to the top. And start the cycle all over.
