*Trigger Warning*
This was me 4 years ago.
It may look like a photo of me stood on a windy beach- this was the moment where I was at my lowest, where I was ready to say goodbye.
The reason? I was in a relationship that was breaking me.
How many of you have heard of gaslighting?

Now, before this happened to me, I had never heard of gaslighting.
It’s only a term that I think has become common recently
I would sit most nights wondering what mood I was going home to? If I needed to walk on egg shells? Had I cleaned the house well enough? Was my make up ok?

The first thing to know is that the person I was with was a classic narcissist.
I had plenty of people dropping hints that he was, but I never saw it! You don’t when you love someone. When you’ve built a life with someone, brought a home together.
You say they’re having a bad day

Mental health was always a good excuse for bad behaviour towards me.
He was depressed, he wasn’t coping- so every thing I did made his life worse.
One night, he left his wallet on a seat on the train... I was at home, but it was my fault because he had come home slightly early

I would apologise, I would tell him that yes, he was probably right; it was my fault for breaking his routine.

He would slowly chip away at my support circle, feeding me little lies or misconceptions.
I lost friends, I was isolated from family. I relied completely on him

He would stop new social situations- but would do it coercively.
A good example- I was due to go to a book launch, I had been excited all week. I got a phone call to say he had forgotten his keys and couldn’t get in.
I had to go home let him in- I found his keys in his coat

Victim hood, gaslighting, projection, guilt trips, constant criticism and throwing tantrum could happen before I’d even finished my morning coffee.
Life was walking on egg shells, but I had to wear a smile, stay quiet, not rock the boat so as to not upset him

I constantly apologised, he controlled my money, my time, my interactions, . I was always too sensitive; it was always my fault.
But, now, looking back, non of it was

I had great people that helped me see what I was in- but the destructive pattern of behaviour inflicted on me, continued. For a long time.
Even now, my mind set is still that of worry, low self esteem, no confidence.
It’s taken someone really incredible to change that for me

The reason I share this now, is that tonight, I was watching hollyoaks and they are doing a gaslight story line.
The ball of anxiety sat in my throat, blood was wooshing in my ears, and I was transported back to those moments. I could hear them, I could visualise all of it

I’m lucky that I’m now at a point where I can talk about (the majority of it) openly.
Many people can’t believe this kind of thing would happen to someone like me. I’m pretty confident, I’m fairly positive and supportive.
People think that it doesn’t happen to people like me

Looks can be incredibly deceiving
A smile can hide a multitude of problems!
So for any one dealing with this- you are not alone! You can break free!
You can start a whole new life- I moved from London to Manchester to do it, on my own, and it was the best thing I ever did

Lockdowns heighten domestic abuse- towards both females and males.
You are not the problem. You are a victim- but that word does not make you weak!
Reach out, talk to someone you trust, or talk to me.
You are not alone! There is so much support there for you

If you are unsafe, leave.
If you recognise these patterns, please break the cycle and leave.
You are still able to do this in lockdowns!
Know you are stronger & braver than you think.
I also promise- life gets infinitely better.
You will meet the right person

I did, and all the things I never thought I was worthy of, are now the most important parts of my life.
You are not alone, my inbox is open, if you are unsafe please please call the police.
Please don’t suffer with this on your own!
You are worth more