Email openings of 2021:

Hi, hope you had a good break before the insurrection!
Hope you're hanging in there!
Hope you're surviving ~gestures wildly at all this~!
Sorry to bother you as democracy crumbles, but wanted to follow up on the capitalist work that we must keep doing

Hey, 2021 is the new 2020, amirite? So about your last email...

Sorry for the delayed reply, there's sort of a lot of democratic norms falling apart...

Thanks so much for reaching out! I missed this while I was covering the coup.

Hi, I hope your family member is recovering since last time we spoke. But I wanted to check in about that deadline.

Hi there, wow, it's crazy that we have to keep working through all this right? But alas, how is the report coming?

Hey, I've been thinking about you during this difficult time, and wanted to check in and see if you need anything? I am here for you. Also, if you get a chance, could you give me an update on that project from last year? Hate to bother you but we do need to finish it!

Hey, so the world is really going crazy, huh? Just wanted to let you know you don't need to worry about turning that thing in this week. Let's call this week a wash. Next week is sure to be less insane, right?

Hi team, I know everyone is feeling a lot of emotions right now, and our CEO wants to remind everyone that the most important thing is the work must go on.

Hi there, haven't heard back from you and got a little worried -- are you ok?

Hey, sorry to hear you got laid off, but...

My favorite email openers lately are actually like this:

Hi, I feel like it's weird to just start in about work without acknowledging the coup/pandemic/general crisis, but I don't know what to say about that, so, I wanted to see if you're interested in collaborating.

Also loving the random doomsday closing statements to otherwise normal emails:

Hi,

Is today still a good time to talk?

Cheers, and hope you're healthy and safe under lockdown!
Emily

Hello, please unsubscribe me from this list (and I hope your family is staying healthy)

Hi, what is the status of my delivery? And thanks for your hard work during this trying time!

Hi you two, I am writing to connect you now since the future is uncertain.

Hi, so sorry for the delay -- I meant to send this last week but got sidetracked by the coup

Hey, just saw this email from the 6th (sort of a busy day!)

Hi, I heard you're out of the ICU -- yay! Let me know when you want to resume the meetings.

[Automated away message] Hi, thanks for your email. Given the state of the world right now, I will be slow to respond to email. If you need something urgently, please contact someone else.

[Automated reply] Hello, the operator of this email account is overwhelmed by current events right now. They hope you are *hanging in there* *staying safe* *doing OK* and will likely not reply to this email. If you really need them, send a text. Hopefully you have their number.

This is perfect https://twitter.com/swoonqueen/status/1348755548800495623

Here's a sign-off I actually sent this weekend:

Here's hoping the vaccine means we can see each other again soon!

Email sign-offs of 2021:

Yours, in quarantine,
Wishing you health,
In solidarity,
Yours, virtually,
Trying my best,
[sent from bed]

Dear employee, I am so sorry to hear about your mom/dad/grandma. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. If you need a few more days for that deadline, that's fine. In fact, why not take the whole weekend off?

Dear neighbor, I was very sorry to hear your husband was arrested in the coup. That must have been crazy! Do you think that means we should take him off the list for the social-distance potluck? Janice can make the hot wings this year.

Hey, I saw your Instagram post about how you're getting evicted, that sucks! We can record the PTA meeting for you if you need to miss it.

Hey, belated congrats on your Zoom wedding! I got behind on my emails while I was in the hospital. Hope it was great!

Hey, hope things are better when you are!

Hi friend, please unsubscribe me from your vacation feed. It’s too hard to see right now in quarantine.

Hi, I hope your newsletter is getting lots of signups! I’ve really enjoyed it and I wish you the best, but money is right right now so I need to cancel my subscription.

To whom it may concern, your website indicates you are hiring. Can you please confirm? Hope your company really is managing to thrive despite everything!

Hi there, is your business still operating? Fingers crossed.

Hi, so sorry for my last email full of typos and gibberish. My toddler grabbed my computer.

Hi, yes, I would love to! Only thing is my child’s school is closed so they may be in the background of the call?

Hi there, hope you’re well! Oh, who am I kidding? We’re all terrible.

Hey, no worries for the delay! Time is a flat circle and the year 2020 will never actually end, after all.

Hi, hope this email finds you somehow staying sane amid all this.

Hi, this is a hard year, so I’ll just get to the point:

Hi, hope you and yours are as good as can be expected during this crisis. I wanted to follow up with you on that timeshare opportunity.

I hope this email reaches you in good health. I have been kidnapped and need you to wire whatever money you can spare in these difficult times

Hello, this is your doctor writing about your upcoming visit. Given the rate of infection in the area, and my general overwhelmed state, I am unfortunately going to have to cancel your procedure.

Hi, hope you're staying safe!

Dear client, I really truly hope you are doing well and I am sorry for having to write this email, but we are really struggling and need you to pay your bill. Please.

Hi there, it's been a week since the insurrection, so figured it was an OK time to check in about that work?

Hi, just a friendly reminder from HR that all mental health days count as official sick days. Don't forget to put them in the system! We know that seems a little harsh, but blame the health care system, not us!

Hey, yikes, wow, just saw you were misidentified by online sleuths as being at the insurrection! Eek! Want me to post about it in my Insta Stories? Happy to help! (And it wasn't you, right? LOL kidding, but right?)

Just reaching out to say I was thinking of you. I saw a guy on a Twitch feed from the Capitol Siege who looked like our old science teacher and it made me nostalgic.

Hi, I hope you are surviving. This is your delivery driver. I left your food on the stoop.

Hey, you have the wrong email. But yeah, shit is crazy. I'm with you! And thanks for reaching out. It's nice to chat with anyone.

Dear ma'am, I realize this is a rough time for you/everyone, but come near my mom with no mask on again and you're going to regret it. Stay safe!

[Away msg] Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out in this chaotic period. Human connection is so important. We're all in this together. I am on vacation right now at the beach for my mental health, though, so will be slow to reply to orders. Stay peaceful!

unsaid signoffs of 2021:

I'm doing the bare minimum for the health insurance,
I was forced to send this email,
Please don't reply to this,
Hoping you say no!
Exhaustedly,
Written in duress,
Hopefully this email was coherent,
Simmering under a layer of rage and despair,
ED

I love this https://twitter.com/jentalleydesign/status/1349822844113461248

Hi, sorry I missed this while the second impeachment was happening!

Dear hiring manager, hope you are well. I wanted to bump this up in your inbox in case it got buried under the latest impeachment/sedition/covid news.