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Update.
This was awful. I've been there for friends before when they were going through a rough patch and listened to them, offering whatever support I could. But this was a sobering reminder of what patriarchal, controlling behaviour exists and festers in some communities. > https://twitter.com/YaqutAzraq/status/1347968633067216902
This was awful. I've been there for friends before when they were going through a rough patch and listened to them, offering whatever support I could. But this was a sobering reminder of what patriarchal, controlling behaviour exists and festers in some communities. > https://twitter.com/YaqutAzraq/status/1347968633067216902
> The marriage was arranged through families, and both were happy with this. It was an arranged marriage, not a forced one. They got to know each other for around 2 years and were happy to get married. They've been married around 6 weeks, and the breakdown happened last week. >
> She's 22, and this is a lot to deal with. It wasn't a good start from the very beginning. On their wedding night, her husband noticed that she had tan marks on her body, which show she'd been wearing a bikini top. She'd been to Dubai with friends before her wedding. >
> Her husband was shocked by this, and accused her of being immodest and other nasty names. He hasn't hurt her physically, but refuses to come near her and they haven't consummated the marriage, as he sees her as being 'dirty.' There's a lot of emotional abuse and what I'd call >
> bullying. It's extremely burdensome for her and is affecting her mental health. He hasn't told family the reason for the tension, but has said that she's 'disobedient' and not of good character. This immediately makes them think that she either won't sleep with him or that >
> she has a lover, and so her in-laws are quite cold with her. She endured as much as she could, but reluctantly came to her parents home. Unfortunately, her parents see it as some kind of shame, that their daughter is back at home after being married, and especially under the >
> vague but insinuating things she's being accused of. It's a really awkward situation for her. And I know some of you looking through a Western lense would just say to tell him and her parents to eff off and get away, but it's absolutely not that simple in our communities. >
> Of course, I didn't ask any questions about what she was wearing, or why, that's her business, but she was extremely upset and reluctant to tell me about that, but I'm glad she did, because it gave me an opportunity to tell her that it's okay, she hasn't done anything wrong, >
> that she has the right to wear whatever she wants, and that's no reflection of her character. We talked for a while and I was mainly trying to gauge what she wanted. She was still unsure. Whether she should try to convince him and go back. I didn't tell her what to do, but >
> just said that I could see two things here, trust and control. She agreed that there was no trust from his side, and maybe he didn't expect this from her, or thought she was a different person, but it was clear that there is no trust, and there may never be trust again. >
> Secondly, he feels like he doesn't have sufficient control over her, he wants her to be the person he wants, not who she is. To dress the way he expects, not how she wants. The problem now is, that if she leaves an wants to divorce, she's worried that he'll tell everyone >
> that she's indecent, and how she dresses. This may seem like a small thing, but I assure you, it's a HUGE thing for women in our community. But I asked her what's more important, temporary 'honour disgrace,' or her overall happiness and wellbeing. I think it made things a >
> little clearer for her, a weight lifted off her mind. I stressed how important self care was for her, and that she should stand her ground and not be pushed into a situation she doesn't want to be in by family. She's back at her parents, who aren't happy about it, but I think >
> she's safe there. We talked about support organisations and ways to move forward. She's ambitious, young and intelligent, there's so many opportunities for her to make her life how she wants. I really hope she can move on with a positive outcome from this. I wish there was >
> more I could have done to help, but I'm really not equipped to deal with these kind of situations. But she left much happier and more confident in herself and the whole situation, so I think that was a real positive. I asked her if she didn't mind me talking about her >
> situation with people to raise awareness, without mentioning her name or location etc, and she said that was fine, which is why I'm sharing this here. One of the things that I realised after talking with her, was that sometimes we do things in the moment, without realising >
> what serious consequences they could have later by small minded people. And that's a real shame. We have to constantly think about the future, the "I better not do this in case someone finds out later." The way it could be misconstrued and be used to 'dishonour' us by being >
> blown out of all proportion. I say this a lot, and I'll say it again. There needs to be more education for men in our communities to not judge us by what we wear. It is not a reflection of our character. And this is exactly why romanticising hijab and modesty culture must stop.
